Remember, you can listen a person's soul into existence.
Sign over a campus crisis hotline
Several years ago I created a Listening Workshop. Although the workshop is a full-day event, I always start with two questions that take around thirty minutes to facilitate. After those first thirty minutes I always feel like I could stop at that point and the workshop has been a success.
I give everyone as much time as they need to write down as many adjectives as they can to answer the two questions. I then go around the room and write all the "not listen" adjectives on a flip chart in red ink. I do the same for the "do listen" adjectives in green ink.
Both list usually contain between 30 and 50 adjectives. Then I hold up both list before the group and I tell them that in every listening situation, we are either giving the red list or the green list--to one degree or another--every time, everyday.
Then, I slowly read the words from the green list. I take my time. When I finish I ask the group, "If I told you, you could make someone feel this way, to give them this gift, touch them in this way, and that it would not cost you a single penny, would you do it?"
Listening, not hearing, but deep, true, sincere, non-judgmental, heartfelt listening is a gift of untold treasure.
Now that I have their attention, the real work of the workshop can begin.
Question one: Describe how you feel whenever someone really does not listen to you.
Question two: Describe how you feel whenever someone really does listen to you.
Question two: Describe how you feel whenever someone really does listen to you.
I give everyone as much time as they need to write down as many adjectives as they can to answer the two questions. I then go around the room and write all the "not listen" adjectives on a flip chart in red ink. I do the same for the "do listen" adjectives in green ink.
Both list usually contain between 30 and 50 adjectives. Then I hold up both list before the group and I tell them that in every listening situation, we are either giving the red list or the green list--to one degree or another--every time, everyday.
Then, I slowly read the words from the green list. I take my time. When I finish I ask the group, "If I told you, you could make someone feel this way, to give them this gift, touch them in this way, and that it would not cost you a single penny, would you do it?"
Listening, not hearing, but deep, true, sincere, non-judgmental, heartfelt listening is a gift of untold treasure.
Now that I have their attention, the real work of the workshop can begin.
29 comments:
okay Tree, you totally rule the Universe today, as this incredible subject keeps coming up over and over again, especially lately. and you're right,
(i know, as usual!) you could have ended the workshop after that initial 30 minutes...when i studied craniosacral therapy with a man named Hugh Milne a few years back, one of the most important things i learned from him, (other than "get out of your own way", or "leave your ego at the door"!) is about how to listen to what the body mind heart and soul of another is asking us to do for them, listening for what they truly needed...listening is a fine fine art. AND a gift. and we must be clean and clear of our own toxins in order to be able to listen to others, lest our own "stuff" gets in the way of our clarity... bless your heart, Tree, for bringing up this subject...i guess there is a reason why my little remote control found your channel...!
Hmm, your "lesson" was even more interesting than the picture..and that was pretty good too. How do you find the time!
To listen to each other takes time and unfortunately that is something people never have enough of these days.
I think the worst kind are those who pretend that they listen to you, but act in a way that makes it obvious that they don't. And the worst thing about that is that you don't really know it until you know them pretty well. Which also means that the disappointment will be so much bigger.
Great subject and something to keep close to heart.
Must be thoroughly satisfying to watch people realize and understand the quite simple message written in red and green.
Lisa, I think we have more in common in the way we see the world and the way we think than either of us can even begin to imagine. Of course, when I saw that you like Osho, I knew we would have some interesting interactions. :-)
Sounds like Hugh was a very wise man. Funny you should mention craniosacral, I scheduled a massage for myself for later this evening. Won't be craniosacral, but it will be one hour of meditative bliss. Although the massage is physical, I approach the hour as purely meditative with an absolute focus on each and every stroke, one stroke at a time. Nothing else, but the exact stroke occuring at that exact moment. For one hour, I will fall into the deep well of nowness, no past, no future, just pure unadulterated nowness.
*Big Sigh* wish that now was right now LMAO
A, I live for that "aha" moment. Less than 2% of the popluation has ever had any training in the skill of listening. I teach this workshop once a year to the same group and every year they request it again. This year will be the fifth year in a row for many of the same participants, yet although I do other workshops, this is the one they want to do over and over again.
I have many interactive A-B exercises throughout the workshop. Some are rather simple to do, and others are intensely difficult. I love the subject of listening because I find it a gateway to so many other ideas close to my heart. :-)
Jack, the time finds me rather than me finding it. :-)
Christa, don't change the subject. Time is a completely different workshop to be discussed on another day. Stop flipping ahead in the manual. :-)
By the way, in the image I saw a multitude of trumpets, of different sizes and different colors. The trumpets, in my mind, exist on two levels. First level represents all the opportunities during a day to listen to family, friends, co-workers, lovers, etc.
On a deeper level, the various trumpets represent the many different levels of listening to just one person. Everything from listening with the eyes, with the heart, with a non-judgmental mind, with the intent to understand not the intent to respond. The many trumpets represent the many different ways each and every one of us communicate from the verbal to non-verbal. The image is a reminder to me to look beyond just the words, which is only a part of the communication, and listen to the whole.
Just my two cents. I suppose the image could just be some pretty blues and greens with a touch of purple that pleases the eye. LOL
not hearing, but deep, true, sincere, non-judgmental, heartfelt listening is a gift of untold treasure.
very well said and oh so very true
This is a great post Trée. Sometimes I find that it is the people closest to me that listen the least.
wow what a brilliant post Tre! Just when I need to talk abt this the most...u wouldnt believe it I was feeling so low last night...cos one person close to me doesnt ever listen...only hears...
**Question one: Describe how you feel whenever someone really does not listen to you.
I feel sad, unappreciated, disrespected and foolish...
**Question two: Describe how you feel whenever someone really does listen to you.
I feel content, appreciated, respected and valued...
**not hearing, but deep, true, sincere, non-judgmental, heartfelt listening is a gift of untold treasure.
It sure is! so beautifully stated...
Tre u must be a wonderful friend/family member to many lucky people...
Thanks for this enlightening post...
Keshi.
I see the trumpets. They are very Dr. Seuss-like. There is joy in that for me.
**Question one: Describe how you feel whenever someone really does not listen to you?
- My husband and I are both terribly guilty of "selective hearing". We often chide one another when we have to repeat our words. Comfort causes that. Comfort and laziness. It is not healthy. How does it make me feel? Lonely. How does it make my husband feel? Frustrated.
I could go on for weeks about unrequitted emotions caused by this very issue.
**Question two: Describe how you feel whenever someone really does listen to you?
Validated.
Consoled.
Loved.
Safe.
Don't we wish though, that those who listen also truly understand? So often they do not.
I think that what I am learning about right now in school has a lot to do with what you are saying about listening, and to me it is simply SELF AWARENESS.
Nice fractal by the way
Frustrating though, when one thinks about how 'easy' it is to help someone else feel 'good', that it doesn't happen more often.
Tree, funny how when you were describing the moment by moment bliss experienced during your one hour massage time, and then you ended by saying, " i wish that now time was now..." well, guess what?
it is...
it's always now.
sometimes we need to learn to listen to ourselves, too...
what did i read this morning?
"in order to transform others,
you have to transform yourself."
i was tickled to discover Osho when my dentist was reading one of his books, oddly enough... what i love about Osho is how he delivers his "spirituality" - with a hefty dose of belligerance, and some almost childlike humour and wit...i love how he strips away the false illusions right off the bat, so we can instantly see how silly and frightened we all are, covering ourselves in so many false disguises on this earth, and helping us get back to our real selves, empowering us to just be who are in the very core of our being...it sounds simple, but its a work in progress, this life.
no Tree, i am not surprised to see that we have similar leanings with regards to our self discovery path, or as i said above, i guess there's a reason my remote control found your channel...(actually it was through Holly, but still, the connection was made.)
Lisa, we need to have that cup(s) of coffee. I think we would have a mutually satisfying exchange. :-)
My humor has a lot of subtle and not so subtle irony in it. The "wish it was now, now" comment was my clumsy attempt at poking fun at myself in an ironic sort of way. But I love any and all conversation on the topic of here and now. :-)
So bring it on--NOW. LOL
Mmm, I wonder if my Hollyween posting scared off Holly? If you see her, tell her it's safe to come back, no more scary stuff. :-)
Melissa, thanks for that insightful and thoughtful comment. Self-awareness and mindfulness are two concepts always close to my heart. A big part of my workshop is devoted to discovery of the very labels, filters, concepts, images, prejudices and so forth that are always operating to color our view, but that most of us are not aware they are there.
Aggie, one of the biggest hurdles I have in teaching this workshop is getting people to the point where they truly understand the difference between hearing and listening. Empathetic listening. Now you are asking for the advanced material. LOL
See me after class and we can discuss if you are ready in private. I can be bribed, just so you know. ;-)
Keshi, I see so much positive energy in your blogging and your comments. Thank you for those so very dear and kind words. I will do my best to live up to that lofty opinion.
As I said before, it's good to have you back!
ya, where the heck is Holly?
HOLLY?? where am you??
well, there was some talk of a New Yawk Gansta being rather ill-mannered at the bank the other day...
hopefully its just a sugar hangover, and nothing much more....HOLLY? you there?
ps sorry i didnt get your Power of Now joke, Mr Tree...and here i thought i was so insightful! hee haw! oh well, another illusion turned to dust!
It sounds like a great workshop and listening is so important.
Another beautiful piece of art.
*hugs*
geee thats too much of a compliment for me :) But that coming from u, I'm so proud of....
Thanks Tre!
Keshi.
Keshi, you are very welcome my dear. :-)
Beautifully said, Tree! You are indeed the master! :-)
Justin, good to see you around these parts again. I know A was very worried about you when your blog seemed to disappear. We are all relieved to know you are okay.
Your kind words are much appreciated. Thanks my friend.
Tree, great post! What are some of the top words that keep coming up on the lists? Can you give us the top 3 to 5?
It always amazes me that troubled/burdened people need someone to listen but we ofen want to give advice. It also amazes me that just listening can make a difference even though nothing has changed for the person needing to talk.
Paul, thanks for your kind words.
On the "green" list, words I almost always see: loved, valued, appreciated, important, happy.
On the "red" list: angry, frustrated, insignificant, lonely, disappointed.
Many times when I have an upset manager, I ask if they just want me to listen or if they want me to listen with the intent to respond and give answers. 7 out of 10 times, they just want to be heard, understood and appreciated. If I were to offer advice in those 7 cases, I would undo the good achieve by just listening.
Deep, sincere, heartfelt, active, empathetic listening is often the only medicine needed to heal. Sometimes it's hard to just let the listening medicine work it's magic and instead we feel the need to add our 2 cents and that 2 cents erases all the good.
Re: your list of favourites, you truly have written so many amazing posts. What my experience of blogland would have been like without your posts and you, I do not like to imagine!
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