day forty-four:
nothing of significance to report--emotional normalcy
day forty-five:
increasing financial pressure--emotions within healthy and normal range
day forty-six:
financial pressure intense--mood remains steady and normal--any thoughts of despair are tied to external circumstances--internal functions of the brain working as they should
day forty-seven:
financial pressures continue to mount--stress on all fronts--meds are working as they should--no complaints there--there is the situation and there is what we think of it, the latter being the greater or more dangerous
as the pressure grows to find work, rather intensely, I'm watching my internal compass/mood--it seems strangely unaffected, which is to say, mood is steady and consistent, neither up nor down--almost as if my demons have stepped aside and are watching with amusement another act upon the stage--still, although I feel in hell, under holiday assault, my mind and mood remain clear and steady--I am more convinced than ever that certain illnesses of the mind (clinical depression in particular) have, at least in my case, a life beyond external circumstances--or at least an origin beyond environment--and I am dubious as to what extent external factors (personal and professional) augment the illness, if at all--the muddiness, at times, is separating mind induced depression from the depression of the brain/illness--two rather different things that at times are difficult to distinguish in the way that colors are hard to delineate in shadow
10 comments:
So glad to hear you are back to normal, well as normal as one can be
financial pressure can be all-consumming, good luck with the job search
always thinking about you and your situation--prayers continue and will add your financial situation to them--on a similar note, is the guiding hand still there ie..he pressure on the crown of your head? :-)
continuous TIGHT HUGS
My heart continues to swell as I think of your recovery and growing happiness. This is great news to start off the New Year. Stay safe and have peaceful New Year!
hhhHHH
Tree - I know we shouldn't attach too much significance to key dates but New Year is almost upon us, and if that date does not turn a happier corner for you, then maybe the new year for trees at the end of January will mark a change in fortunes for you, both financially and in health.
Wishing you all the best :)
I agree with your observation of depression having a life beyond present circumstances. In my case the meds allow me to step back(detach) from any stress or anxiety I feel. I feel in control instead a victim to the thoughts of a poisoned mind.
LotL, your tight hugs are very much appreciated. Thank you.
Jasmine, I hope you're right. Got my fingers and toes crossed. ;-)
Tag, I see we are reading from the same playbook. Happy New Year to you and keep fighting the good fight.
When I read your posts, Poppet, markedly this post, the image of a lotus flower appears in my mind, poised upon the streaming river, gently flourishing in rain as in sun. Watching you has always been able to steal my breath. Each day, every appearance, a little more.
I hope to wish you personally, but for now, for 2010, you have everything within and my wish for you is symmetry, may the world reflect upon you the same brilliant glow that you cast. Take care. Love to you.
The time is almost right.
Happy New Year, my dear one ~ I was thinking of you and hoping you'd post something soon. It is a difficult time of year for many of us, yet you're walking out of it upright. That wasn't the case, necessarily, at the beginning of the holidays some weeks ago. I am so pleased for you! Take good care, Tree. Meeting you in 2009 was a lovely gift. ~ ~ Les
Les, one day at a time. Remaining ever vigilant. Wishing you all the best in 2010. Happy New Year!
Autumn, 2010 simply must be better than 2009. Your kind words are always deeply appreciated. Thank you and Happy New Year!
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