Day: 18-19

day eighteen:

nothing of interest to report--neither highs nor lows

watching impulse--and language--and the processing of events--the storification of impulse, language and event--the need for narrative--to construct meaning--to what end--the question is always to what end--by what code, story or narrative--upon what stage do we dance--can we feel the wood under our feet--


day nineteen:

emotional reactivity remains low--the meds give the ability to deal with frustration and irritation without becoming overly frustrated or irritated--this perhaps opens the door to rewire reactivity through experience, meds notwithstanding--poetry and ornate prose still fail to capture my interest as before--likewise music is all but missing in my life--I find no pleasure in it, which is probably related to emotional dullery--creative thought still lacking and some of my own writing, especially the 1944 series seems quite alien--libido remains high in spite of anorgasmia--perhaps as a byproduct, sexual fantasy has become much more subtle, more selective as the elements of touch deepen--I have become more light-hearted and playful

without the emotional reactivity and personalization, my ability to absorb and address conflict is greater--issues of pettiness are simply not acted upon--emotional reflection/mirroring is absent--the energy passes through me and neither harbors itself nor elicits engagement and the feeling is similar to watching a sporting event in which you have no vested interested in the teams playing and you are able to objectively follow the action--thoughts of the future are starting to emerge but remain fragile--the desire to workout has actually occurred

overall attitude is much improved--negative thoughts have become less sticky, less relentless--I cannot quite tell if I am feeling less drugged or whether I'm just getting used to the feeling--odd sensation on the crown of the head has remained consistent from the first day--appetite remains slightly suppressed, which is to say although I eat well when I eat, there is no desire to snack between meals--this was not the case before--there is still an odd drowsiness that occurs after eating--no issues with sleep--sound still has an eerie and subtle muted quality almost as if I am hearing myself hear

finished the first chapter/book of 2666--it was originally planned by the author to be published as five separate books over five years--his literary executor (Bolano was dying and would die before publication) decided otherwise--the writing is unlike anything I've read recently