day thirty-one:
building upon the last two days, a sense of complete normalcy--imaginative creative thought feels as before--sexual function too, as before--only the slightest suppression of appetite--only the sensation on the crown of head remains the same--emotional range is slowly expanding--feels healthy, as if calibrated correctly--levels of irritability feel correct, which is to say neither blunted with drugs nor out of control as before
day thirty-two:
again, feeling perfectly normal--emotion appears to be operating within a healthy range, albeit somewhat limited than before but greater than recent weeks
day thirty-three:
as I regain more and more of my former sensibilities the real work begins, of working on my own mental processes, working on the awareness of emotion, of that charge of energy as it arises, learning again to see it as biological, as other, as a force/tool to be understood and if not understood, to be treated as one treats a wild animal, with respect, of appreciating the beauty without getting too close, arms length from danger--learning again to weed weeds, to see weeds as weeds, to have the courage and wisdom to pluck them from my daily life knowing that the plucking today is just the plucking today, that tomorrow, and the day after and the day after that there will be more plucking and that in fact, for the rest of my life, there will be plucking--but there will also be watering and planting and the beauty of flowers seen and felt and smelled and the peaceful quiet of sitting in a garden tilled, of remembering the feel of soil on the hands, under the nails, of that wonderful dark dampness of fresh turned mulch, of placing a seed into the ground, covering it, watering it--there will be days like that too--but not without effort--the pail must be taken to the river, filled, carried back to the garden, again and again--and one must know that this is life, that these moments, these steps, each step, each drop of sweat is life--that there are not two lives we have--that there is not another life waiting to be lived only when, only if--that this is it--that the ordinary is everything--that even in a sip of fresh coffee everything is contained, nothing is lacking
5 comments:
Again, this is wonderful news. Your journal has also the added affects of your healing. It has become creative and a joy to read. What a wonderful metaphor for life. To work in the garden, knowing that one day, maybe not today, tomorrow or even next week, you will be able to sit and enjoy the beauty. Also knowing that you will always have to "work" the garden. I have never thought of life in this fashion. I will have to sit and contemplate things with this in mind. You are truly blessed, and part of the blessing (now) is that you know it. Thank you for sharing this process, it gives hope and joy to so many.
Thoughts and Prayers remain...
Tight Hugs Always...
H
OH, I understand this completely. You're using all of your senses - smelling flowers, handling soil, looking around yourself clear-eyed. The taste of the coffee, the fulfillment experienced when your most recent creative attempts have come down GOOD. You're off visiting 'tend friends at their blogs. Your vessel is filling up, Tree. You're becoming complete. I am happy for this.
You are inspiring, dear heart, evoking love, admiration and appreciation. The image of you tending to your garden brings great joy, I see Papa within you brighter than I have ever done before as I read this, knowledge that is intimate, walking with you rather than just up ahead. I very much like the way that you wrote of calibration, and I feel so joyous, certain by what you have written and what I already have learned of you through the years, whatever your days bring, you will live them well. And you will throughly enjoy your coffee.
I'm about to have my morning coffee now, and will raise my cup in your honour, then savour it all the more -- which is saying something! :-)
A pleasure to read these posts, Trée, on many levels.
Ian
LotL, Limes, Ms Storm and Ian:
Thank you all for visiting and for the very kind and warm comments. I read them all and I appreciate them more than you know.
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