all of my life I have been inclined to take abuse without standing up for myself for fear of offending the person who had offended me--if I was being yelled at or criticized then, so my thinking on some subconscious was, it must be my fault--I acted as if everyone else was an authority on whatever it was they were saying and I had no ground to stand upon, even when I knew their information was wrong--not to upset the other person became first and foremost in my mind--I only wanted peace, to be accepted and I was willing to pay any price for a moment, an hour or a day without drama--sometimes the only way to achieve this peace was to withdraw, to be alone, to shun interaction with anyone because to interact invited conflict, disagreement, yelling and words said that could not be taken back--as a result, I have lived virtually my entire life in fear, fear of offending--I knew the fear was unhealthy and irrational, but like many emotions, especially strong ones, the flow of energy was greater than the ability to channel it and one is consumed in a sort of madness--caught in a web, knowing one is caught in a web, but helpless to do anything about it--in this world, one does not take initiative because to act is to invite rebuke and nothing hurts as much as rejection, as consistent, unerring negative feedback--life wants to live, to survive and so in this environment, almost by instinct, for self-preservation, there is a withdrawal from interaction and a fear of those moments when interaction cannot be avoided--so one learns to be silent and unseen--the good child syndrome (good not for the sake of good--silent not out of respect)--and over time, the silence becomes not willed or chosen as much as the natural state--the mind simply shuts down--if there is no thought then there can be no narrative that further damages the self and there can be no interaction that can lead to a sense of inferiority--speak only when spoken to and then say nothing that could invite controversy--in other words, have no opinions or at least none that you are wiling to share
since I have been on meds, this fear of standing up for myself, for my views and doing so without fear, without exerting some effort to overcome past habit, but rather a logical and natural need to deal in fact, to see the situation objectively, to understand or comprehend the difference between the self and the world outside of the self had been nothing less than remarkable--when someone places an opposing view before me, I feel no threat--I am able to see the position without some personal/emotional involvement or attachment and I don't confuse the self, the value of the self with the outcome of opinion or argument--in a very real sense, what is right takes precedence over who is right--now, this is a philosophy I have known for a long, long time and have taught for many years--but to know something on paper or even in the mind and to know it within the integrity of mind/body/spirit (for lack of a better way to put it) is quite a different thing--in short, there is a feeling of mental health I can't say I've ever felt before and just as the darkness was most evident in moments of non-darkness, so too this sense of health is seen and known in contrast to everything I've known before
day by day, my confidence, which the darkness had completely eradicated, is returning--the return is based not on affirmation but grounded in day to day experiences, of decisions, of cognitive and emotional processing of daily tasks and conflicts--I am using affirmation, but what is affirmed is the experience, not the idea of fake it till you make it--each positive experience and interaction is like a deposit in the bank account of myself--my belief in my abilities--to be of value, of worth--capable of making positive contributions to the world I inhabit--what I have just said I could not have said one month ago
I do have one fear--namely that I will wake up one day, or it will just hit me out of the blue like the darkness used to do without rhyme or reason, and all the progress I have made will have evaporated and life as I knew it will return
20 comments:
Congratulations. You just made me cry. I am typing for a post on the very subject. You stated this beautifully: "I was willing to pay any price for a moment, an hour or a day without drama . . ." Ironically, I was very successful as a union rep which is nothing OTHER than standing up and offending. But for someone else. I learned inmy 30s Icould do for others what I could not do for myself. I still don't have all the ragged edges of that lined up. I do better for myself now than I once did, but I still can do it MUCH better on someone else's behalf. This makes me very sad.
Limes, I was not able to stand up for myself or for anyone else--the fear that paralyzed was the same--the fear of being slapped down, degraded, made to feel worthless. The fear was so great that my mind, which is not a bad mind, simply shut down and for all intents and purposes, I was rendered an idiot.
Wish I was there to wipe away the tears and hug you in the way that says together, we can get though this.
<3
Thoughts, Prayers and Tight Hugs
Such a wonderful post to read. That you are making clear steps away from boulders that have halted you, held you back from being your true self, that you are finding a voice that was silenced for one reason or another, and engaging when there is reason to do so, that you have an emerging belief and confidence in your worth, in the value of your contributions, that fear is fading and that the world is showing you, there was no reason to fear as you did, you more than most deserve to feel this way, to feel good, to feel and to know. Bless your heart, may you continue to step forth, where those grounds are sure to keep finding you and fear drifts further away.
To add to what Autumn said and to speak to your fear. You may indeed have moments, hours or days when you lose what you are becoming. But know that your are becoming and progress will continue to be made.
wv" poela - what a novella is to a novel a poela is to a poem.
What you've described here is so much like the former me. It's only been recently that I speak up and it's like a stranger with a foreign accent, but it's still me.
Judy, the last couple weeks I have felt exactly like that--like a stranger in my own body. I'm thankful I like the stranger. :-D
Tag, your words of encouragement and wisdom are very much appreciated. Thank you.
Autumn, I am hopeful of the things of which you speak. Your kind words have always been a blessing to me. Thank you.
LotL, thank you. :-)
I don't believe so. I don't think you could possibly lose the valuable progress you've made. And I am startled. I apologize. From an outsider looking in, Tree, I would have suspected you had all of your ducks in a row and would have had tremendous confidence. Why? Because I saw your value long ago and assumed you knew of it.
I love this new found confidence in you!
xo
erin
Erin, severe depression undermines everything. It is the most insidious illness I've encountered. One I would not wish upon anyone. Thanks for checking in on me. :-)
Agreed, faith in oneself is many times the hardest. I'm sorry that you had to go for such a long and intense time without therapy, and only medicines. During every post until now I've been asking myself where the therapy part was, because (judging by your posts) you only seem to be medicated by your doctor, and nothing else.
There's a unique victory in knowing oneself, as nothing can teach. Keep on doing good to yourself.
C.
Cristian, in a complete reversal of my former position (open to therapy but not to meds) I sought help a month ago with an open mind to meds but not to therapy--I felt no amount of talking was going to alter what I was experiencing. My doctor suggested and offered therapy in addition to the meds but I knew I was not open-minded and therefore it would be a waste of my limited funds. I have nothing against therapy and I agree that the combination of therapy and meds is the best course. The meds so far, knock on wood, are working better than I ever imagined they would. I am hopeful that I will continue to make progress. The option for therapy is still on the table. But as you probably know, therapy is something you must do on a weekly basis and do consistently. I could make further financial sacrifices but I have to believe I need it first.
When people are able to come through the true Hell of depression, they sometimes function better than ever before. There's the aphorism often attributed to Nietzsche, "If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger." It seems, Trée, that you are emerging from your depression, step by step by step.
Undoubtedly, the meds are helping. But I want to say this: You are a strong man, completely aside from the meds. Don't credit them with the entire "cure." Likely, they have given your mind enough stability to begin developing positive strength on its own once more, and now you are becoming healthy again. You may need them a while longer ... maybe a long time ... and one day maybe not at all.
It may sound like preaching (if so, I apologize), but I mention this because the meds are only part of the cure you're witnessing. Your own proven strength of character, intelligence and extraordinary creativity have joined to help make you better. Trust me on this, Trée. I know what I'm talking about.
i am so happy for you. somehow i was confident that it would be like this, which is silly because i don't know you at all - or only through what you let us see here... but that is enough to see that you have a very beautiful soul and such a sharp mind and determination - somehow i knew you would have to win this battle - though you are not yet there, not completely, but eventually you will be.
a huge hug from me.
ps. and i totally agree with Gregory.
Roxana, thank you for those wonderfully warm words. Very much appreciated.
Greg, you can preach to me anytime. :-)
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