Yul held the image in her hand, her gaze set as if a mere look could alter the very reality of days to come. Her hand trembled slightly and by force of will she tried to hold it steady, but the more she tried the worse it got. Placing the image on the table in front of her, Yul sat down and deposited her hands on the table, trying to steady herself. She wasn’t one to pray but her thoughts moved toward Kieran, and although she couldn’t bring her mind to utter the words, her heart silently asked for a miracle, for help, for intervention, deserved or not.
Rog walked up behind her, noticed the image and placed his hands on her shoulders. “They say this facility is the best.” Yul didn’t respond. “You know, they call it Hope, the facility that is.” Yul still didn’t budge. Rog sighed and his strong fingers massaged her shoulders, a proxy for the words he could not find. “Baby, I don’t know what to say and I don’t know what is going to happen, but,” Rog leaned over, his arms moving down her chest, fingers locking below her breasts as he moved his head next to hers and whispered in her ear, “I do know this, I will be with you every step of the way and we are going to fight this thing together and there is no force of nature that is going to mess up my plans to spend the rest of my life with you.”
Yul smiled weakly, her eyes still locked on the image. She leaned her head next to his, drawn near as if his words were pulling her toward him. “Hold me baby, just hold me tight and tell me you’ll never let me go.” Yul paused trying to keep her voice from breaking. “Rog can I tell you something?”
“Sure baby, anything.”
“You know my dock story.”
“I do.”
“I don’t know if I could have done what my sister did.”
“Don’t matter. None of us can ever know what we might have done in someone else’s shoes. Let it go. Our fight is ahead of us, not behind us.”
Yul let out a big sigh. “I know, but that is not really what I wanted to say and I don’t know quite how to say this.”
Rog pulled her tight. “Just say it baby. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”
Yul wiped her nose. “My father—“
“Go ahead. It’s okay,” responded Rog, trying to nudge her forward.
“He didn’t choose me.”
“I know sweetie.”
“I mean, he never chose me. If I asked for something, the answer was no. When I needed support, none was given. My dreams and goals were dismissed as unrealistic, that I should look for something more attainable. Do you know, my father never hugged me. He hugged my sister, but he never hugged me. Do you have any idea how much hurt there is within me, when I search my memory for just a single hug, just one time, perhaps when I was young, perhaps before my father made his decision that I was worthless, that maybe somewhere there was a time when I was loved, and all I want is just that one image of a hug, just that one memory of being held, and do you know, know what it is like, to be lying in bed at night, and no matter how hard you look, no matter how much you search, you realize that memory is not there.”
Rog’s mind whirled. He didn’t know what that was like.
Yul continued. “I’m scared Rog. Not of dying, that’s not it. I’m scared you will see what my father saw, that I am not worthy and I am scared I will die alone, in a foreign place surrounded by strangers who wait for my last breath as one waits for a stoplight to turn green so they can get on with the rest of their lives. I’m—.” Yul broke down, her head dropping, her words replaced with tears.
Rog reacted. “Baby, look at me. I don’t make idle promises. Never had, never will. Now you look at me.” His eyes watered. “There is nothing you can do or say that will keep me from your side.” Yul looked away. “Do you hear me?”
“I want to believe you, I really do, but I’ve been down this road before. My heart is not pure and it is not innocent. My father, perhaps he saw that, that maybe I’m not—“
Rog cut her off. “Don’t you even think that. Your father was an idiot, no offense, but I’ve seen you now, in close quarters for more than a year. We’ve shared wine and bread and spit and sheets. I’ve seen your heart and I’ve seen your soul and baby, I’ve seen you stand by me when Trev told everyone there was nothing more he could do. I saw you in the window and I saw you by my side and I felt you hold my hand like you would never let me go and I listened to your teary prayers and watched you light candles and in the dark of night, in that cold and lonely room, when no one else was around, you were there. And all the rest, your past, your father, all that don’t mean nothing, is nothing.”
Yul looked up as Rog took her in his arms, pulling her tight to his chest. “I love you Yul, and no power in the universe is going to keep me from your side every step of the way. Do you hear me?”
Yul choked. “Baby, if you squeeze me any tighter we’re not going to have to worry about tomorrow.”
Relaxing his grip, Rog laughed. “Sorry.”
And like the sun peeking through rain clouds, Yul laughed too.
Categories: Story, Rog, Yul
27 comments:
This is what I would have to start calling one of your ocean chapters, where the waves just rush in and carry me off to a faraway place. I like being there, but now I need to swim back to shore so that I can begin trying to write you a comment that in some way describes how much I loved this chapter.
First up, it is soooooo good to see a new chapter here, always is, but especially so today. :-)
Sometimes, all the time, who knows, but sometimes at least there will be things within a chapter that just touch in a personal way and this chapter was full of that. I've adored Rog from the very beginning, I just saw in him integrity and strength and a heart and love and fun and most everything else that would be on the list of all things good. Plus he is a hottie, that always counts for a few points too. :-)
That he shows it here, again in these scenes of late, is just so wonderful to witness, to know that he is doing the right thing. How often, even when that is what we want to do, are we actually lucky enough to achieve it(?), and so this chapter is just so very heartwarming. To see the two of them coming through what they have been through, coming through the doubts that Rog couldn't help but feel for a spell and all the rest of it, it's a testamont to the theory some swear by, that in the end love conquers all.
There's perfect balance here, though at first glance, from glancing at this one chapter, one might not think so, one might think that Rog is doing all the giving, but there is love going two-ways here, and all in all, it's a chapter full of love, love and wise words. When Rog talks about the future for example.
I like especially the part where he disregards her and counters with the fact that he has known her for a year. There is an absolutely outstanding sentence there, pure Rog and pure genius about spit and sheets, to the point and direct, and just brilliant.
Pure and beautiful, this is one of my clear favourites (among many admittedly).
Again, welcome home.
Sunshine, so good to be home and like you, feels so good to write another chapter. I've skipped over the "parting of the ways" between the crew, but we will visit that in a chapter between Kyra and Von as they discuss the split and where they are headed.
In my mind, although Rog is there, this chapter is really all Yul. I love the psychological complexity we see coming out of Yul in this one. On the one hand, we know she is tough and loyal but on the other, we see the ghosts of her past coming back to cast doubt and undermine that strength, those same ghosts she saw in the mirror when she took the overdose. We also begin to see a heart scarred by the past, a heart that at some times is loving and caring but at others closes up and becomes very guarded. We also see this great need she has, as we all do, to be loved unconditionally, and we see she is still not completely sure if she falls, if she opens herself as she eventually does here, that Rog will be there to catch her.
So this chapter has so much. Fear and hurt on one side and hope and love on the other.
As always my Sweetest, I do so appreciate you're sincere engagement on the story. More to come. :-)
It is so easy to believe him, this is what stands out in this chapter. Regardless of what might happen in relation to Yul's illness, regardless of whatever might happen along the path and regardless of Yul's own doubts, one just knows, even Yul, that he means every word he says here.
The part about no force of nature will mess with his plans and the part about him going nowhere - the beauty of those words send shivers down my spine and I wish on everyone that they have at least one Rog in their lives.
I wrote that part before reading your response, and so I have pick up on the 'even Yul' in relation to what you wrote about falling and not being sure that he will catch her. Can we ever be completely certain of another, probably yes, and Rog invites it here, thus scared as she may be, she is willing to take the chance that he means what he says, that he will be there to catch her, and as scarred as she is, as half-expectant of being let-down once again as she is, in her heart of hearts (this is what I see anyway), deep inside, she knows.
I think, as with another chapter recently between the two, the same is the case again, that yes, though the chapter may be Yul, Rog's reaction is so much like we would wish to be reacted too, that this is what stands so firmly in our (my) mind as we read it.
I feel Yul most in this chapter, and what I mean by that is that we are more inside of her head than in Rog's, and again, perhaps this is why it is Rog that got picked up upon in comments, the fact that reading it, we are reading it mostly from Yul's perspective.
How I should love to feel what she feels here, feels not in the fears and the doubts and the worries, but feels from Rog.
And this is why I touched upon the balance of the flow between them here, for as much as he is loving her, she is loving him equally, though to weigh it all within one term only and wrongly, he is giving and she is receiving.
It's just a brilliant chapter in so many ways - I could write til the morning on all that I see, all that I imagine and all that is beautiful within it. I won't. :-) Instead, just once more, I shall say, in other words, it made my day (my week) to see a new post on the page.
Sometime in the future, we need to come back to Rog's past and his family to see how he was raised and how his father and mother shaped his views and values. We do know he grew up on a ranch and if you know anything about farmers and ranchers then I think you probably know where I'm going with his background.
Rog is what I call a salt of the earth hynerian. He would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it, whether he had another or not. He is as loyal as the day is long and his word, like his father's, is as good as gold (if you remember that line from a previous chapter).
Rog is one of those guys that when you first meet him, because of his happy go lucky attitude and humor and sometimes his roughness around the edges (no higher education for him), one can think he is shallow, that he doesn't have the ability to think deep or feel deep. As we have seen, that is just not the case, so looks can be deceiving.
You know what I like about Rog as a character in this story? We have the Rog when he is around Von (and I love that Rog). We have the Rog when he is around Kyra (and that Rog intrigues me). We have the Rog around Yul (and that Rog is very different than the other two); and we have the Rog as he interacts with Chaz (and that is perhaps the most interesting Rog of all for me as we see a side very similar yet very different to all the other Rogs, if that makes any sense).
Now think about it. Aren't we all just a little bit like that. We play roles in life: father/mother, child/parent, boss/worker; neighbor/acquaintance; leader/follower; lover/friend.
And if we see someone in a "role" we see just that side of them, which is not all of them. I like Rog in that way. To know him and to see him fully, one has to put what we have seen of him like pieces of a puzzle. And with each piece he becomes more real.
Sunshine, I never feel I thank you enough for the way you engage the story and in engaging the story, engaging me. At the end of the day, I think, we all seek that connection, that engagement from another.
Yul is no different in this chapter. She has reached out before and been rejected. Rog hasn't really experienced that on the same level, so he is reacting from what he knows to do, but not from having been there himself. They were raised very differently, and perhaps part of the appeal of the relationship between them is that difference, the old "opposites attract" thing.
I've never said it, but I think it's implied. Yul was raised in the city (she is a big city girl through and through) and Rog is the farm boy. Each finds that intriguing about the other. Likewise, Rog grew up in love and Yul did not, so again, a natural interest in the other. Now, what they do share is a certain familiarity or comfort with the rougher side of life in language, and drink and sex and in that regard they fit like a hand in glove in the bedroom and one day, I'll take a scene from the two making love as only Rog and Yul can do. Let's just say there is lots of sweating and panting and roughhousing and tenderness, but the sex has energy between them, passion if you will. In other words, the fuck each others brains out every time like two lovers reunited after a long absence. Good in bed those two are. Rog knows how to use his tool, let us say and so does Yul. :-D
On a similar level, they both need each other unlike any other two on Bravo. Rog would be lost without Yul to keep him in line and Yul, well, she would have passed on without his love, this much there is no doubt.
They share that bond. Both being on the edge of death and both standing firm and loyal to the other, and in those chapters, a bond was formed that could not have been formed any other way. No one else, with the possible exception of Kyra and Kieran, have had that bonding experience, so in that regard there relationship is unique among the crew.
These two need no piece of paper to hold them together. The connection and bond surpasses ink on paper, is more natural and stronger. In other words, in this world they live in, with no law and no court, a ceremony is not required for the two are as one in the way it should be. :-)
Brilliantly, thought-provoking comment which reminds me of how little I know other than what I feel, and what I mean by that is that I can see clearly, not least as you highlight them here, that the Rog we see in those chapters differ in behaviour, as I read them and got to see more and more of him through them, all they did was confirm every original impression that I had of him. I've said it before, and this could be my imagination or even my kidding myself, but with each of your characters they seemed to start like a pebble being dropped into the river, that first cut through the water gave us our very first impression of them (in other words, whichever chapter in which they were introduced into the story) and the chapters since have been the ripples that were created in circles around. There was nothing about Rog that didn't make perfect sense and this is I guess what I also base that on, that whether he was serious or jesting, whether he was receiving guidance from Von or giving it to Yul as one could say the case is here, guidance or support or some other such term, whether it is the Rog of the future (interview), the Rog of now or the Rog of Rog and Chaz, he has always just been Rog.
So yes, roles, us, Rog, but in every role, we are there. I agree with each thing we learn about Rog, we see a clearer picture, he grows, fills, makes more circles so to speak :-), but that first impression was the deepest.
I love listening (reading) you talk about the story as much as I love reading new chapters. :-) Sometimes what you say would have been working away somewhere, but I just hadn't made proper notes yet, and other times you say things that I hadn't yet thought about or considered at all. This is what I love about this comments section, the exploration, the delving, the deep reading.
Have I ever told you how much I love this story? :-D
Truly, madly, deeply. :-)
Sweetest, I couldn't agree more. At his core, Rog is Rog and that core is nothing but pure goodness. I think what so many like about Rog is that consistent core to his behavior in that he treats every one with respect and decency (just remember how kind he was to Emy when they were on Neraj and she was showing him her art work for the first time).
With Rog, what you see is what you get. Yul sees it and admires it because she is not like that, doesn't know how to be like that, but wants to be like that (did that make any sense LMAO).
For Rog, it comes naturally. He never had a reason to have to "act" when he was growing up, so the idea that one would try to wear a mask or put on airs or try to be something they think they should just never occurs to him. As we have seen, he is very, very comfortable in his own skin, with or without clothes. And he has all the tools a lover would want (nothing lacking in that department--call it a gift of nature--just thought I'd throw that in there--LOL). Yul wouldn't argue that point either. :-)
In response to your last comment, I meant everything I said about "the cottage" and what I would most like to do there. What I find amusing is, I think most looking on the outside would cough and call bullshiot, but I think you know, and I think you know this from action not words, from more than a year of interaction on many levels that this is the case.
In my mind, we have been there all morning, just me and you with the surf not a hundred yards away. Now that pleases my heart like you wouldn't believe. :-)
Note on the image: first click the image to enlarge.
This image is the City of Hope, a living city in space where Yul is going for treatment. The architecture is reminiscent of the famous opera house in Sydney if that helps create the visual.
Ok...this is the first read and I am hooked. I can't wait to go back into your "archives" and catch up.
You're smart, talented and handsome;o)
Oh Jillie, now you have me blushing. :-)
If you get lost in the archives just give a holler and I'll come running to rescue you. :-D
Meg, I thought your comment was just great and one of the nicest things anyone could say to someone writing. If you would like, I could repost it for you, but I did want you to know I thought it was a very touching and a very nice thing for you to say.
I do try and emulate the writers I most respect who have the ability you spoke of, like Dickens and Wolfe.
I'm am so sorry there was a misunderstanding in the question that I asked. So let me say again, I loved your comment and would love to post it again if you want me to.
Thank you for being so kind to me. Always much appreciated. :-)
"We also see this great need she has, as we all do, to be loved unconditionally..."
Ah, so true. What I like about this chapter is that it's a subject to which we all can relate. Who hasn't experienced those same feelings, at least to some degree?
Nicely written Trée.
Deb, I think that is so true. As with all my characters, there is a bit of me in Yul. Although my father was not as harsh as Yul's, I did experience growing up where there were no hugs and there were no "I love you's". My father was also very quick to go negative, and you know, I'm not sure I ever won over his approval. If I did, well, he took it to the grave, for even on his deathbed he was not able to express feeling and emotion for others.
Thanks so much for the kind words on the story. :-)
Hugs to you, Poppet.
I do know how that feels, though I still have both my parents and there is still time, and I have tried in later years to be the one who once again tries to step forward as I remember doing when I was little before I just gave up, but I don't ever remember being hugged by either of them, or told that I was loved. The blessed silver lining, and I have said this to you before, is that as parents we are aware and we take the time and opportunity to not only show but to speak of our love often.
And yes, I know. Like Rog, that first impression told me everything I needed to know about you, and though I have gotten to know you more and more through your posts and comments over the course of the past year plus, all it has done is confirm that very first impression that I had of you on my first visit. Which was, in short, that you are beautiful, that you have a beautiful mind, a beautiful heart and a beautiful soul. Clear as day to see with an even partially open mind. Nuf said.
Happy Wednesday, xo
My dearest Sunshine, I have no idea how to respond to your wonderful comment above other than to say I feel blessed.
Now if you want to bless my hide, well, that can be arraigned too. :-D
This post brought tears to my eyes and I felt every word she said. This is one of the best chapters; excellent!
*HUGS & KISSES* to you and Jack. (I am heading to the next chapter... you've been busy this week!)
Thanks Karen. I was feeling somewhat sentimental when I wrote this one. Can you tell? :-D
As always, thanks for the very kind and very sweet words. I throw my heart and soul into this story and love my characters to pieces. Thanks so much for reading and commenting. Always deeply appreciated. :-)
I definitely feel your soul and passion in these words. Thank YOU for sharing such an intimate part of yourself.
And Karen, thank you for reading, for what is a writer without a reader.
I watched the montage a little down the page and though for every chapter old and new that you post, the image as I have said many a time is as much a part of the whole chapter as the writing is, two parts, accentuating the other, lending credence to the other, meaning, beauty, I much too often forget, as I float about within the words to mention the image in comments. Watching I realized, I had not mentioned them in these comments either and it is thoroughly remiss of me given the sheer beauty and the great emotion that they evoke. Your images are out of this world. I'm generalizing, putting them all into one group, but they deserve to be joined there. Just as the story seems to reach right into the soul to leave it in a state of shivery awe and wonder, so too do the images of the story (and so many on Trebuchet). At times I wonder whether I seem to be excessive when I attempt to define in words what you have created here, but the truth of it is, as I have always maintained, it is above and beyond any words that I could wrap around them.
Two interesting parts to this particular chapter, given future events and a question tonight. Firstly when Rog tells Yul
“I love you Yul, and no power in the universe is going to keep me from your side every step of the way. Do you hear me?”
Secondly when Yul talks about not remembering ever receiving any affection from her father
...Do you have any idea how much hurt there is within me, when I search my memory for just a single hug, just one time, perhaps when I was young, perhaps before my father made his decision that I was worthless, that maybe somewhere there was a time when I was loved, and all I want is just that one image of a hug, just that one memory of being held, and do you know, know what it is like, to be lying in bed at night, and no matter how hard you look, no matter how much you search, you realize that memory is not there.”
Wow, this chapter was much better than I remember. Almost felt the need to grab my popcorn. :-D
To search for a memory you know is not there. To do so in the still of night when no one can catch you. To cry yourself to sleep more times than you can forget. Hard not to fall for Yul and all she has been through.
I didn't read the comments for this post, for I remember them so well. Your comment here is so true.
hmmm
Looks like these two will be settling down when they reach earth!
Miladysa, I see a bunch of little rogs' running wild in the future. ;-)
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