Yul looked into the mirror and the voices returned. It doesn’t have to be this way. “You lie!” she spat. But they returned. It doesn’t have to be this way. Tears flowed and her blue eye makeup ran like watercolors. She tried to smile but the knots in her stomach would not allow it. You can do this. “Do what? Look me in the eye and tell me what I can do.”
The mirror didn’t move and her image became blurry as her nose joined forces in discharge. “You knew it was going to happen. Always did, always does. Nothing changes.” No, not this time, you can let it go. “Frail you. Tell, me what the frail do I let go of? Answer me! What the frail do I let go of?” Whatever you are holding. “Look at me, look at me, I’m not frailing holding anything.” I can see you don’t believe that.
Yul felt her knees give and her hands reached out to the vanity. Her hair, matted and wet, stuck to the side of her face and her head hung down as if she was going to be sick. “You heard what she said. We’re leaving.” But she doesn’t know. “She doesn’t care. Did you see the look in her eyes? She hates me, just like all the rest. And now, she is going to punish me. But you know what. She is going to learn. There ain’t nothing that will wash blood off one’s soul.” Yul laughed.
You’re wrong. “Frail you. Red dress, oh she looked so pretty. Yes so pretty. We’ll see how pretty she looks with my blood on her hands. She’ll rue the day she brought me back." You don’t mean that.
Yul picked up a small bottle of perfume and smashed it against the mirror; a thousand shards of glass flew like daggers in every direction. “The frail I do, now get out of my frailing head! Get out, get out,” she cried, grabbing her hair and pulling as if to evict the voices in her head. Falling to the floor she pulled her knees to her chest and whimpered softly, “Please, just go, please, leave me alone.”
“Oh my Janus Yul,” exclaimed Rog. “It doesn’t have to be this way baby.” He pulled Yul into his arms and held her tight. “I’m so sorry, oh baby, I am so sorry. Please forgive me.” And he pulled her tighter and her arms, weak and shinny with glass, wrapped around him.
Categories: Story, Yul, Rog
33 comments:
Wow! Another tight chapter. Can't wait to find out what is really wrong with Yul. Gripping stuff.
There some days just like that... I see tension in the image, pulled apart or coming together...
Sometimes people are most themselves or most honest in times of stress or tension, when there is nowhere else to turn and nothing else to think about. There is tension all over this chapter, was quite difficult to read, to watch her beginning to break apart, to watch her feel so hopeless. Very well written!!
Couple of points of interest, first and foremost is Yul's statement "...There ain’t nothing that will wash blood off one’s soul.” This does not necessarily have to have come from somewhere, some sort of directly personal experience, it could just be an observance of something she has seen or even just an opinion. Makes me wonder though, and as I do, I could see her having been just outside, watching.
And what is she holding on to?
(Fun chapter.:)
Pride, fear, dignity, love, truth, the past, bravado, whatever it is (her pretense that nothing and nobody matters as much as they do, that she needs nobody, that any thing they could do or say to her wouldn't faze her a bit) she is holding on to, she obviously knows she shouldn't, that this time (“You knew it was going to happen. Always did, always does. Nothing changes.”) there are people who really do care about her.
And Rog proves that, does he not, there at the end, seeing her this way, he overrules his own pride and fear and disappointment and whatever else was holding him back from her. Of course he doesn't know the whys yet, but I have great faith in Rog, when all's said and done, I think, he will not only love her still, but will find understanding regardless of the story she has to tell.
Great chapter! It cannot help but raise questions as one reads it and one cannot help attempting to fill in the blanks with imagination. :-D
Some of the lyrics aside, this chapter like the one in the bathroom made me think of this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vln-_DrYvR0
Me too Jenni. :-)
As always, your kind words are much appreciated. Thanks for reading.
Chicky, yesterday, I felt like Yul. It was one of those rare days where all you can say to yourself is "It doesn't have to be this way."
Sunshine, I love that video and the imagery. I need to go back and actually listen to the lyrics, but I loved the visual story and I agree, it fits this chapter. Excellent find!
Now, more coffee and I'll try and think of something to say in response to your beautiful comment on this chapter. Love you. Mean it.
The Whole Gang. :-D
Sweetest, I agree. Sometimes stress is the only hammer that can break though the facade we erect and display, not only to the outside world but to ourselves. The most deceitful lies are the ones we tell to ourselves (and believe). I have seen myself and others broken down by stress and I have seen them put back together. I like who we are without the facades and Yul is getting very close to that point. This whole scene is her at the edge, at that point where one more hammer blow is either going to create the perfect break in her marble, or it's going to destroy the whole block and render it useless.
As for the "washing of blood" bit, well, I ain't telling if this is just an ad hoc observation she is making in the heat of the moment or whether she is speaking from personal experience, from that past alluded to in the note. Time, perhaps, will tell. Until then, have fun with your imagination. ;-)
As to what she is holding on to, well, I think it is the same thing we all hold onto, which is, an idea or image of who we think we are and how we fit into the world at large. Her view has bits of truth in it, which makes it more difficult to let go of, more difficult to forgive herself and have self-compassion. But her view, like a lot of us I think, also is filled with falsehoods, and these falsehoods are keeping her stuck in pain and confused and frustrated. She is going to need help in letting go, and as you alluded to in your comment, Rog is going to be the one to try, the one that in time can begin to remove those false views and heal the wounds of her mind.
To be more specific, Yul has had a difficult life (prior to Bravo) and her dock story is a painful one for her, not painful like the rest, but painful in a different way, a way that has allowed her to pick up (and she has) a rather heavy rucksack of guilt. It played a part in her suicide attempt, the guilt did. And now, both Rog's behavior and Kyra's (at least in her mind the way they have acted since the suicide attempt--remember, she doesn't know they read her note) is only further fueling her despair, which is a clue to how she has been treated in the past--forgotten and overlooked to the point of creating an emotional numbness, a part of her heart that has grown cold from isolation (but still has the ability--because I say so, lol--to reform itself, to find love again, to do what she thinks can't be done--to change.
Loved, loved, loved your comment. :-)
Meg, I can't speak for other writers, but I've only had one chapter of the 216 in which I felt like I was writing about something I didn't know to some extent (that chapter, btw, was the quasi-rape post between Dr X and Mairi--and I knew when I was writing her reaction I was on very, very thin ice). Every other chapter, to some extent, I've had personal experiences that allow me to write what I write from the inside out. Often, my chapters are written "in the heat" of an emotion or memory, which is sometimes triggered by a song or something happening in my own personal life at the moment. Most of my chapters happen in what I call very tight windows, which is to say, if I didn't write what I wrote at that exact moment, that particular chapter would either never be written or have a very, different tone and flavor.
This chapter is a perfect example. Yesterday was a very difficult day for me, not a pleasant day by any measurement from beginning to end. What I have Yul experiencing are the emotions that were within me. I don't know that this chapter gets written if I don't write it last night in that small window when those emotions came to play. In many ways, this story is my personal diary, if you know where to look.
Now, having said that, there are many parts of this story that are not biographical or at least not directly and I want to be very clear on this point: not everything I write is just code for what is happening in my own life and to read it that way would lead one down the wrong path. Still, there are bits and pieces of me in everything I write and I'm not sure how it could be otherwise. A lot of these bits and pieces come from stuff that happened twenty to twenty-five years ago, some more recent.
As for my Titans, well, they had their chance and I suppose that's all one can ask for. They had a good run. :-)
Hey sweetie, hope you have a great day today. Mulling over your comment. :-) I'll be back, x
Meg, I thought your question was a great one and I was glad to shed some light on it from my perspective. I think we all want to know and be known and the most sincere from of flattery (outside of imitation) is when one shows a sincere interest in us. From my very selfish position, I feel, perhaps unfairly, that to show interest in the story is to show interest in me, and that I, like I think most, get the warm fuzzies when someone takes an interest.
So, ask away. There are no bad questions. It's when no one wants to ask questions that I start to get nervous. :-D
Thank you Sunshine. Been an interesting day and I'll leave it at that. Not good, not bad, just interesting. Got another chapter about ready. Just letting this one have its moment in the sun before I post the next. Let me know when you are going to seek slumber and I'll try and post it before you retire--if you would like, that is. :-D
Wow that was intense. I loved how Rog came to her and held her. He's right, it doesn't have to be that way. Bravo! Yul needs the White Knight in Rog.
I have felt like Yul many times (helpless - out of control) so I related to this.
Thanks Karen. Yul is a female of many passions and likes to live life full out, holding nothing back. It often gets her in trouble but when her time comes, she knows she will have lived as few live.
I'm starting to like Yul more and have more respect for her. She does have a lot of layers, just as Rog does. Good match here.
Yul is like an onion and will make you cry all the same. Still, I'd like to frail her, after Kyra that is. :-D
I don't pretend to know anything, at all, but it seems to me in my humble opinion that the only way we can truly know ourselves is to have shed all the layers and faced ourselves at our most stark, our most basic, free from any pretense of what we think we know or want to have be true. I like so much the phrase you used here about marble, so very wonderful! Having reached that depth, for it is a depth, instills the ability then and only then to make the most so to speak, to find that inner sense of peace and contentment. In any case, peeling back the layers, seeing with clear eyes, it can only be a good thing, the only solid base on which to build oneself back up.
I may have to write something on this, say it right, as I mean it to be said. Weyhey, could we have a post in the making?! ;-)
Missing you while you are sleeping. :-)
Sunshine, I miss your sincerity every waking moment you are not here.
I would say more but I want the sentence above to sink in and not have to share space with other words.
Add Rog to my want to frail list, that is for darn sure! ;-) But please do not tell Jack *snicker*
No worries. I have my hand firmly around Jack's eye. He'll never know. :-D
*snortle* OK, you got me on that one................. ummm... it may be snowing like crazy outside but damn, it's hot in here.
Ooooh, tell me you have a fireplace? Would you be surprised if I told you Jack loves a nice warm crackling fire? :-D
*swoon* It's always been a fantasy of mine to make love with a man at my aunt's cabin in Island Park, Idaho (near West Yellowstone). Yowza. You started it.
Oh my. runs off to check frequently flyer miles
I think you've just given me my fantasy for the night. May have to go spend some time in my garden and work on this one.
That might not be a bad idea... working in gardens is good for the soul.
Here is a photo of the fireplace, the cabin was built in 1913. http://www.flickr.com/photos/karen6977/19426521/in/set-764425/
Work your magic...
http://www.flickr.com/photos/karen6977/19426521/in/set-764425/
It didn't paste all of it, there's the whole URL
Now that looks abso-frailing-lutely like a little bit of heaven. The picture of the bed didn't look too bad either. :-D
Those beds are great for romping LOL We've lost count how many "honeymooners" have been there. Those beds haven't broken yet... I think that might be fun to try.
I'll bring some 3-in-1 oil, just in case those springs needs a little help. :-D
I don't think we'll need lubrications!
“Look at me, look at me, I’m not frailing holding anything.” I can see you don’t believe that.
***just reading, thought I would 'tell' you where I am.
Danna, you are taking me down memory lane and making me smile with each and every chapter you read. I'm flattered you would take the time and make the effort to get caught up on the story. :-)
OMI!
don't be silly! Why of course!
(smile)
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