Kyra drew her knees tight into her chest and wrapped her arms around her long legs, fingers laced like shoe strings and pulled just as taut. Her butter-soft leather chair warmly molded to the curve of her back with her long flowing black hair cascading over the top. Rog had left just minutes ago yet it seemed as if the world before his visit and the world after were separated by eons. Regret, Papa had often counseled her, was a tool to educate, not a whip to lash. Sounded good at the time, but Papa never did explain how to let the whip go once it was in hand; nor did he allude to the thought that sometimes the pain just felt good.
She turned the lights off, preferring to let the glow from the planet below illuminate the room, reflected pity perhaps; and she wondered at the psychological suggestions made in such a simple act. Mairi was down there in harm’s way and she was up here safe in her own quarters. She had saved her own skin but had failed at saving Mairi. Now, someone else was in charge and her services were not needed. She couldn’t argue with John’s logic, but what she was feeling right now had nothing to do with logic. Matters of the heart speak another language.
Her actions, she thought, could she see them for what that were? The answer was a muddy no. The monkeys in her mind were rattling their cages; it was impossible to think clearly. They were hungry; she had no food. So she looked on and felt sorry for herself and the rattling increased. The mental cacophony didn’t bother her, which she knew would come and go like rain showers, as much as the sedated velvety sensation of pleasure, or perhaps numbness, she couldn’t decide which, that occasioned the pity.
So she sat and stared at the planet below allowing her mind to drift in the waves of memory. This planet didn’t look all that different from Neraj, which made her smile when the memories of her and Rog, standing right in front of this same window, took their place in line. Seemed like such a long time ago. He was a good Hynerian. Not a bad bone in his body and he had been through so much. Almost died. Saved by John, a miracle of fate one could say. And then from the edge of one cliff he was jerked to safety only to find himself on the edge of another. She could only imagine the stress he carried whispered that whore--hindsight. And then there was the note.
His behavior was understandable. Hers she thought, not so easy. She should have known better, she did know better. Never use the word “should,” Papa said so often. It is one of the most evil words known to Hynerians. The rattling increased and her head began to hurt. The waves of memory picked up speed and instead of lapping at the shore came crashing against the bow of her psyche, skies gray, future uncertain. Never underestimate the power of a single kind word, or even a sincere touch or a caring look Kyra. These things have the power to change the course of a life. I have made the rounds of many a Tao on their death bed and I can say this without any hesitation. In their hour of repose, what they remembered most, were most thankful for, was not the opportunities and successes and accomplishments in their life, but rather they recalled as precious gems those singular moments when a few kind words forever changed their life. Their only regret was never having taken the time to thank the person. Keep in mind, however, it goes both ways. The tongue is sharper than any sword and can harm in ways invisible to the eye but leaves scars forever debilitating.
Her chest welled into a sigh in sync with the waves of her mind. She had lashed out at Rog, emasculated him with her tongue. He had tried to smile and make a joke at the end, but that was just Rog. She could see the hurt in his eyes, the stoop of his weary shoulders as one more burden was heaved upon them. He came in anger and fear. He came bearing the gift of opportunity and, she thought, I threw it back in his face and kicked him between the legs and then had the temerity to demand from him not once but twice, an apology. My Janus, what was I thinking?
Kyra uncoiled her legs and commed Rog. “Rog this is Kyra, come in.” No answer. “Rog, can you hear me? Over.” Still, no answer. She glanced down at her comm. He had turned his device off. “Goldie, can you find Rog for me and tell him I need to see him right away. It’s urgent.”
10 comments:
Metaphorically speaking, Kyra's mind is a ship and the monkeys (various thoughts) are in cages below deck. Okay, everyone got that straight? :-D
Hey Tube! Long time no see. It is hard to believe the story is almost one year old. Who would have ever thought. :-)
Oooh, knees and plaid, I'm always up for that conversation. You know where to find me. :-D
Happy Thanksgiving sweetie.
My mum always says that the mind itself is a monkey. :)
Keshi.
There are parts of this that hold such great truth, it's almost suprising that we need to be reminded sometimes. I was thinking about you this morning (in regards to that very quick email that I wrote you) and how very good to me you were over the summer. I may have told you, I know I did, but perhaps not explained quite how much I appreciated the constancy of your great sweetness and caring words. Will adore you for that forever (and for that Rolo smile and the gang and all the rest of it too of course:).
So anyway, this is a wonderful passage within the chapter.
what they remembered most, were most thankful for, was not the opportunities and successes and accomplishments in their life, but rather they recalled as precious gems those singular moments when a few kind words forever changed their life. Wonderful.
We used to recite the sticks and stones rhyme to fend off words, when we were children, but the truth is, physical pain is much more easily forgotten than words that were designed to hurt. We all know it, yet everyone has said something they wish they hadn't at some point or another and so I like the gentle reminder that is here within, Kyra reminding herself and us readers being reminded that we have great power, the power to hand out good and likewise the opposite.
The questioning of her own thoughts and emotions and the muddiness that surrounds her today as she sits there, relating back to a sentence from one of your most recent chapters about how the mind can deceive. She does this much more than anyone realizes, in her journal entry too, and it's nice to see this side of her again, to know that though she is one very special Hynerian, she has moments where she is unsure and times when she makes mistakes (here, in hindsight sees that she could have handled things differently).
Lots of pressure on her, not that she cannot handle it, as we've seen before, she knows when to step back and deligate so to speak, but in the end, she feels the responsibility, all of it.
And added to that, is another element of guilt, in that she, like any of us, is happy to have saved her own skin.
That chapter about Emy had quite an impact, not least due to coming into it slow, and then we have Yul's illness to contend with now and it's brought that whole idea to the very forefront. Kyra was always seperate to some degree or another, elevated if you will, but the more we learn about her the closer she becomes and chapters such as this one on the back of the bathroom scene, Kieran's words, and Kyra's relationship to him, well, special as she is, when it comes to everything else, she is just the same, same feelings, same thoughts, same needs, same hopes, etc.
I'm babbling, but very slowly. :-D
And I've likely missed out tons, not least because I've not even mentioned Rog. :-)
Waves of Regret, I even love the title. No fighting the tide when it comes.
Beautifully written chapter, as always, beautiful all round.
Happy Wednesday, xoxo
Keshi, you have a very insightful mum. Tell her I said so. :-)
Sunshine, what can I say. Your comment, once again, reminds me of how much I miss your daily interaction and commentary on the story. I think I enjoy talking about the story as much if not more than writing it and when you are not around to engage, it feels hollow and empty around here, as if my blog was only half full. Like the chapter above this one, I feel like Rog does with you gone--lost. Perhaps what makes it so painful is the summer, a wound that had not healed and the absence again, so soon is like having a scab reopened and it hurts even more than the first time. Rog and I are walking in similar shoes at the moment--not exactly the same, so don't read too much into that, but the feeling of being lost, I think, is very similar.
I hope you are settling in and that M is getting on well too in her new surroundings. Take care my dear Sweetest one. I will continue to wander aimlessly, lost, until your return. See the impact you have on the story. Nothing stands alone. Islands are an illusion. Rog says hello by the way. :-)
hehe okii :)
Keshi.
And tell her she has one very sexy daughther too. Yeah, tell her I said that. :-D
Poppet, I'm so thrilled by what I have seen above and not yet read! I'll not have time to reply to my own messages today. :-D That said, there is one in particular, Consise10, that is very interesting and it shows just how much this place needs to be a two way street of engagement to use your word. There's nothing phony about how I feel about you, Terry, J and Lisa to mention just a few, and having met Terry of the four of you face to face showed us both the realness of the friendships that we have forged here.
Lost is precisely how I felt over the summer, in fact, your words here about then and this second time on top of then would have been mine if I were able to express myself as consisely and eloquently as you. :-)
M's doing fabulously, she is very happy here, loving her new school, making a ton of friends and being inspired academically which was missing also in her previous one. Early days yet of course, but for her, it's pointing towards this being a great move.
All's well otherwise, except for access. :-D No luck on a job yet, but I'm not worried, the right one will come along sooner or later.
Hope all's well there too. I'm ashamed to say, I still haven't worked out exactly which day is Thanksgiving, but J's post suggests it is today, in any case, Happy Thanksgiving, sweetheart, hope you guys have a lovely time celebrating.
On to the chapters above. Wooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooo!!
Sunshine, I read that comment too. As Von might say, the tower has many bells of truth and sometimes we don't really believe they are up there if we haven't heard them yet. Make no mistake, I hear your bell loud and clear and I hope you hear mine too. We could get into a whole conversation about what is real and what is not. Its a debate with no end. I do know this, you could not be more real or more important to me than if you were standing right in front of me right now. Sometimes people say silly things and that is exactly where I would put that comment--in my box of silly things. Hear, hear, the Whole Gang agrees. Its unanimous. :-D
So glad to hear things are going well with M. Today, Thursday is Thanksgiving and your wishes are received and accepted with bells on. :-)
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