Day: 1

Took my first pill last night. Drowsy, cotton-mouth, light sleeping with heavy dreaming, waking several times thinking it should be later than it was. Nothing unexpected other than the density of the dreaming--all too vague to remember with the exception that the dreams were in color, a point of interest because I could never recall before if I dreamed in black and white or in color. Also of note, I don't often dream or at least don't often remember that I have dreamt. There was one other strange sensation and I cannot tell if it was physical or just imaginative since the sensation came after I slipped into sleep and awoke the first time, namely that the top of my head had become soft such that if you placed a colander on my head like a helmet, and pushed down, my brain would ooze through the holes. Likewise, the dryness in my mouth, which is a known side effect, feels more like powdered chalk than cotton.

This morning, mood is perfectly normal. The meds take at least a week to show result, but I'm not returning the gift. Feels like fresh air in the morning, in the mountains, standing on the porch with the first cup of coffee of the day. There is a slight grogginess akin to having taken an antihistamine the night before and a very slight queasiness but my mind seems clear, cogent, concise. Nothing feels diminished, which was/is my fear, the fear of compromise, that to have one thing would mean the giving up of something else (creativity, sexual drive, the ability to experience the full spectrum, depth, intensity of emotion, etc.) I have these concerns under observation. I am hopeful this is not a zero-sum game.

Hope, I believe is a very powerful thing. I had it yesterday, before my appointment. I had it after the appointment as I did last night, as I do this morning. It is too early for the medicine to be palliative. So, I think there is some combination of the placebo effect amplified by hope. More good news, so far, I say with extreme caution. I am listening to music, enjoying it without being tossed to and fro. Fettle I feel and fettle I have my eye on. I am using 'fettle' in a dual sense/meaning: in the former, as condition or shape, such as one would say 'I am in fine fettle; but I am also using it in the latter, "nouning" the verb, 'to trim or clean the rough edge of metal or pottery before firing.' From a grammatical point of view, I do not know the proper label for taking the verb sense of a word and using it as a noun, which is what I have done here and called it 'nouning,' which is not a word. So if anyone can enlighten me, you would have my appreciation. Perhaps gerund is the proper term, only done here without the 'ing' ending.

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Note of interest: In the last several months I've not been able to read more than a handful of pages, usually only one or two, sometimes as many as five, at any one sitting. Last night I read thirty before overcome with sleep. It seems in hindsight, as silly as it is to say, a significant accomplishment, especially for someone who likes to read. Take whatever it is you love to do and imagine that joy taken from you except in small, teasing, frustratingly minute doses. Reading last night was like drinking water, drinking as much as I wanted. It was like riding my bike outside of the confines of the cul-de-sac, riding as far as I wanted to ride.