metaphors and similes, two of my favorite literary devices, have lost their appeal; more so the simile, which now looks distractingly transparent--only succinct, original metaphors hold interest
reading Paul Auster's novel Invisible--read over eighty pages last night--I cannot remember the last time I read that much in a single sitting--the book, by the way, is very well written--in the second chapter he employes a second-person narrative, delightful to read if only because second-person is so rarely used
I feel least drugged out in the mornings--most drugged out in the last four hours of a twenty-four hour cycle--I take my daily pill at 7pm--no issues sleeping--dream state has returned to normal--nothing new on the sexual front
desire to write fiction and poetry nonexistent--there appears to be no creative spark; the beauty found in a sentence seems other than it was and I feel a certain utilitarianism descending
with each day there is a drifting and the person I was just a week ago slips further and further away--I reflect back on impulses and behaviors and they seem alien and what I don't know is this: was I mad then or am I mad now--and the feeling is that when one descends into madness, one is the last to know and I am reminded of the words Robert Graves gave to Caligula: When they told me I was mad you could have knocked me over with a feather.
last night I held the little pill in my hand and cursed it--I wanted to curse something else but that would require a belief I do not have
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there is the issue of tears--where before they flowed easily, now the idea of crying doesn't compute and there is a similar sense of abstraction toward the tear as to the orgasm, which is to say, these things are known from memory but whatever wires were connected before are now unconnected and tears and orgasms become ideas, just abstract academic functions that appear in books and movies and perhaps by other people
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ability to be irritated remains low--I can see it bud, but not flower--the subtle drugged out feeling creates the oddest distortion to sight and/or general consciousness whereby there is a slight dreamlike quality to both vision and interacting, not quite an out of body experience but a sense of mind and body discrete--appetite remains slightly suppressed
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to look upon the curve of a woman's breast with an odd detachment, to see the beauty of the curve, the function without the desire or lust--I cannot think of an analogy that does not sound callus but I hold the image, the beauty in pure mind, as idea--there is a poignancy in living beyond the reach of seduction
12 comments:
****THOUGHTS****
*****PRAYERS*****
******HUGS******
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
H
Hey Trée
Hope you feel better soon.
Do you know that Paul Auster is my favourite author ?
I just got the same novel over the weekend, a gift from my dad although it was his birthday ! Wonderful to read that is great. I will save it.
janete
LotL, I hear you loud and clear. :-)
Janete, this is my first Auster novel--I'm about half way and I find his writing very impressive--the story has as odd gravitational pull, not so much a page turner, nothing quite so direct or blunt, but a slipperiness to the prose and the crafting of the story that keep you going and before you know it, twenty or thirty pages have slipped by. Let me know what your thoughts are when you get around to reading it.
Darn, lost my comment!
Bless your heart on day 8 as it adds itself to the circa 1700 days that I have been following this blog, to show anew of what has been true from the very beginning, with each day you have given further reason to adore you. Thinking of you, sending hugs and wishes that these tallied days will mount reasons to feel uplifted.
Love, x
Trée, hi
"there is a poignancy in living beyond the reach of seduction" - such a perfect statement, and so challenging - some would say that this is the true realm of aesthetics, for example Paul Valéry, for whom the pure poetry is one in which the poet is beyond any emotion but in the pursuit of beauty as pure idea, in the mind.
but i don't know. also, i can't even imagine how hard all this must be to you, so i can only be here with you, humbled by your courage and strength. all my thoughts for you, it's a soft light outside on this quiet autumn saturday, a lingering warmth in the air, telling me about hope and tenderness.
Trée - All of your commenters are warm and expressive. (I'm catching up on my blog-reading this week-end - I scrolled through your 8 days and all the comments of friends. Quite an impressive gathering of supporters.
I went through a clinical depression after a break-up several years ago. I sought help and was put on Paxil (because my depression took the form of extreme anxiety). I lost the ability to effectively hold urine, have orgasms and see clearly. This was more disturbing than the original depression. I went off medication and tried to cope on my own (I understand pharmceuticals are much better now).
I read esoteric books and even carried them around with me - like drugs. I was addicted to how these ideas made me feel - but it took a toll on my creativity. There's an aspect of 'spirituality' (hate that word) that makes everything somewhat vanilla - like, why try?, we're all one and nothing is original.....I have a detached view and memory of how I used to feel (pre-depression). It's strangely comforting most of the time. I remember seeing my lover's ass and feeling a contraction in my woman parts much like the intake of air. The recollection is softer than the frenzied reality. - and as Martha Stewart would say, "It's a good thing."
Roxana, the days are better now than before when the darkness was all consuming. Although I am still dealing with sexual side-effects, I feel I am making progress. Thanks for checking in on me. :-)
Ms Storm, I'll take all the hugs you have. :-)
Judy, your comment is warmly encouraging. I am fortunate in the blog friends I have, one of the wonders of the internet. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for sharing. Since starting the meds, I have lost the ability to ejaculate, quite frustrating but I understand there are options, which I will discuss with my doctor upon next visit. Still early for me to reach conclusions, but life is better now than it was ten days ago.
I am trying to catch up on your posts as my time was consumed by so many other things and my laptop grew cold over during that time. I wanted to read all your posts and then give one comment, but, i found myself hitting the comment link faster than anticipated and so here i am, wondering. I noticed that you always include the effect on your sexual desire and how it seems to not be present at the time. I wonder, with the medication creating all those changes (as you called it "rewiring").. perhaps you need to place yourself in the situation? Create a romantic scenario and see where it leads you. This all may be just a chemistry set within us, but the human touch is still quite powerful, is it not? I am not sure when i speak out of line here with you... so if i have crossed it now, please accept my apology... i shall sit now, not saying another word and give you a HUG
Liane, your questions and suggestions are very welcome. I have always had a very high libido and I knew going in one of the side-effects was the impairment of sexual function and sexual desire (there are other meds that do not have sexual side-effects, which I'm going to suggest we try). Desire is still there but seems dulled somehow and I can't quite tell how. The meds do not interfere with my ability to achieve erection, only the ability to ejaculate and I cannot tell if knowing that I cannot ejaculate influences desire or if the meds, which have changed my perception of so many things is the root cause. Either way, in a couple weeks, I'll be changing meds. To live without the ability to achieve orgasm is a compromise I'm not willing to make when there are other options.
On a side note, in doing my own research, I discovered that anti-depressants such as the one I'm taking, are used to treat premature ejaculation. In strong enough doses, they prevent ejaculation all together, but it makes me wonder how this drug does this. There is a certain lack of sensitivity but not enough to prevent orgasm, so I have to believe the drug interferes with the mental processes of sexual fulfillment, which also makes me curious as to how it impacts desire and to what extent desire is simply biology.
As always, thanks for the hugs. :-)
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