if you have ever travelled to a place you've been before, one with strong memories, you realize quickly that although the geography is the same, the place is not, and what was, is not now--now, as in the present moment, is unforgivingly unsentimental
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coursing within my bloodstream are little engineers--flipping switches
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one cannot will an emotion
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what am I beyond my chemistry--
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perception of beauty has shifted--not sure exactly how--likewise, the experience of reading poetry has changed--the feeling is colder; more Apollonian than Dionysian--I wonder how this influences the grading of subjective essays--toleration for the vagaries of personality has grown--when I close my eyes my sense of balance is less steady
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value scale shifting toward left brain--precision seems important; simplicity and clarity too; ornate feels distasteful--images of pure, clean water--desire to sit outside the stream of white noise--still, drums of discontent are heard beyond the horizon as I sit behind the walls of medicine--mornings are alert--afternoons drowsy--sleep is good--sensation on crown remains--feeling of being drugged, while still present, seems less--erosion of sexual desire unabated
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sound remains altered
9 comments:
*************HUGS*************
Prayers are still going out for you.
It is obvious that you are loved by one and all of your followers. We are here for you. (hmmm, sounds as if you have groupies.) LOL
XOXOXO
H
"...now, as in the present moment, is unforgivingly unsentimental
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coursing within my bloodstream are little engineers--flipping switches"
Good noonish, Trée. The more intensely something is lived or experienced, the more its opposite will be acute when the flip gets switched. Unsentimental is no fault, its only opposite of sentimental.
"one cannot will an emotion"
O wise One! and how we have tried to will the absence of an emotion ...
"what am I beyond my chemistry--"
The first, the last, the only question ...
The colder feelings -- a perception which, free from judgement, can be re-spected for positive qualities; equally essential to the whole person; most useful in certain situations where "warm" lets stuff in, and out, that isn't healthy for us, or anyone else.
Maybe you would not or could not have experienced the opposites without your present choices.
You describe so well the wet to dry feeling of self in life. I was shocked to find myself wanting out of everything I had found beautiful, actually had a "sale of personal possessions" since I wasn't dead & couldn't have an estate sale. The longing for empty is deep and pervasive(thus, the desert). Love of the ornate & sensual co-exists with zen-bent, with more discernment than before. Understanding more about balance, in nature, in myself.
Most appreciative for your sharing and most interested in your process, am I.
Lady of the Lakes is right...we are all still here!
Low mood and antidepressants cocktail makes for a strange partnership at the beginning...
You push yourself to accept and to be grateful for all the things such as beauty, all that you have always taken for granted and appreciated.
A landscape, a smile, a beautiful lake and all of this world's magic which once had such a strong impact on you...
Then suddenly the numbness, the critical eye, the loss of empathy to your former self...and the guilt and resentment...All these emotions are there but somehow only the blunt affect and numbness transpires.
You may question all that matters and why so...I have been there. I think that most people who love writing and therefore constantly pursue to understand their feelings and their surroundings have known pain, loss and the darker side of insight and empathy.
I have always loved beauty. But I remember feeling too much and then feeling nothing at all.
Things will get better. I promise.
your friend,
Janete
LotL, thanks for the hugs. They do mean a lot.
Constance, it is nice to have an 'older sister' looking out after me. :-)
Janete, your words are very encouraging. I remain hopeful my body and mind will adjust to the meds and I will be able to enjoy the right side of my brain as much as I did before. Thank you for stopping by and leaving a kind word. Very much appreciated.
I've been reading your Days, Tree. Painful to read, and I can bet anything more painful to live. All I can say is I wish you the best, and take care.
Nevine
Thanks Nevine.
i just want to say what an immense and aching truth this is: one cannot will an emotion... i keep that line with me. a truth and a curse, indeed.
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