emotional
dullery (don't bother looking this one up--had to create the word I wanted)
mostly noticed with anger, sadness--certain negative stimuli do not elicit the same reaction as before--I have not looked as closely at the opposite side of the spectrum (e.g., yesterday I had an issue with the lawnmower that would in the past had led me to use a few choice words, yet, yesterday, not even a scintilla of irritation, so lacking as to be amusingly obvious before alarmingly obvious in understanding the full ramifications of what is occurring
numbing sensation on the crown of the skull still present--second day in a row without a waking headache--overall sense of drowsiness continues--overall sensation of being slightly drugged still present--motor skills slightly less adroit--appetite remains somewhat suppressed
the overall sensation, and I can't quite get my mind around how to accurately describe the experience, but there is the most subtle shift in consciousness, slightly above the state of just waking up but slightly below the state of full alertness--almost a dreamlike feel to visual input--sound, as in music, seems distant in a way I can't quite describe--the ear is working fine--everything is heard clearly but somehow heard differently as if what is being heard is not being heard by you
I find it is easier to be nice; that verbal interaction is not as strained and there is a kindness or patience to my voice that was not there before--the experience is almost startling--my tolerance for being around others has increased
++++++
odd observation: prior, I needed quiet to read, to concentrate--now, as if I can put external noise on a different channel or, more accurately, it goes to a different channel
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emotional blandness; numbness--one is not happy so much as not sad or perhaps blank to the point of being no thing, just a hunk of flesh breathing, eating and not much more
nullness, to feel nothing--good or bad, right or wrong--imagine eating without taste; or a boat in drydock, scaffolded within sight of the sea, dry as powder; or a day without breeze, nothing moving, not even a daisy--to know things only by the logic of them
12 comments:
*dance* time, you; time!
Exquisite noticing, good morning Trée. Probably the most fantastic as well as scary thing about our freedom to choose is the subtle places where this gift is true. I mean, not only the priviledge of choosing one's brand of coffee (smile) or whether or not to kill or kiss, but one's very thoughts, and consequently feelings. For a perfectionista this can be a bit over the top sometimes. Learning the ability to choose no-thought is the mother of all freedoms. I choose to believe those who tell us the cessation of thought allows our love-essence through, having experience it myself as well. Otherwise, learning to think well is ongoing and you are my extraordinary teacher. Not once has my thinking-feeling been unmoved by reading you.
I have never felt such a warm circle of deep, strong, wise love on your blog as I do lately. Choosing! to hang out with positive people is probably the best medicine of all the world.
I sure know what you mean by the challenge of tolerance in communicating out there. I am drinking more herbal tea these days, especially in the mornings, as my delicious coffee is less brain-affecting later in the day. So I can be nicer in the mornings. Feel quiet-awake inside.
Sending you nothing but love, Trée, and to all DT friends.
(Tree, tell me if I'm speaking out of line. You're in a volatile place and I've not a very robust edit button.)
How strange it is that medication can alter us so. Doesn't it seem strange? Makes me wonder on the essence of us.
I do, of course, wish you healing and goodness and light. Is it ok for me to say such nonhelpful things? I can't help but write what occurs to me. If you'd like, I could rid myself for a time while you mend. Do let me know. I'd hate to be a thorn in your side of wellness.
xo
erin
Erin, you're fine. I like having you around and the question you ask is the same one I've asked myself. And it does seem strange the extent we are tethered to our chemistry. On these meds I am a different person than not on them. The experience is somewhat humbling. One does wonder what is it, that is us, that so easily can be changed with just a pill.
"And it does seem strange the extent we are tethered to our chemistry."
Strange to think what hangs in the balance of our chemistry. Health, well-being, fulfillment and happiness hang in the balance.
Our culture is the most dissociated from nature the planet has ever seen, wrote Henry Miller in 1939, and from our own nature. "To eat when hungry, to rest when tired" so simple as to be simplistic, and our chemistry
loves it. We are meant to grow and bloom like those daisies, which are not simple as they might seem. They are complex and innocent, like us.
Constance, the older I get the less I seem to know. Parts of me have always felt old and other parts as if they never grew up. And a war rages between the middle ground.
your words make me ask so many questions, but i shall refrain from doing so and just sit beside you, offer my hand to just hold for a moment.. no word needs to be said. Maybe, we could just burst out in laughter for a minute or two? no reason needed... what say you? otherwise, i shall just remain seated next to you and observe and wait for that smile of yours ;-) HUG!!
Liane, feel free to ask whatever you like. I could use the sense of feeling useful. I would rob a bank if I thought it would pay for a day of laughter. Thanks for the hugs. Never too many hugs.
Once more in reading your words here on this day, I find myself noticing that as you describe the dulling, you do so in fine strokes of detail, as though tasting it, as though cupping it within your palms and holding it up to the light to see more clearly. Given that you haven't had or taken the opportunity to explore the other end of the spectrum, I offer the hope that there has been a shift, totalling the same value, and not an increased margin on either side. There is much to appreciate in what you have observed, the increased patience and tolerance, the ability to filter out distrubances, though I follow the concern, or to be less 'dramatic', the interest in this lessened reaction to certain stimuli. One can indeed observe from two differing perspectives and come to two equally true conclusions. That the reaction to certain stimuli has calmed so to speak and that this is more or less what was desired, to be general, and the question posed, by yourself and others, in regards to process itself. Had to rush, will rewrite/continue, but in conclusion for now, love and hugs, x PS Margined or shifted, the range is still you, nothing but you.
i am here with you, following this dreadful yet full of hope diary which touches me beyond words - i admire you, i think you have so much courage and so much strength to fight as you do and to do this here, in front of us, with us. i couldn't. i think i couldn't, and your experience humbles me. i know there is nothing i (we) could say - nothing able to help you in any way, and yet i am here, trying to tell you... - to translate into words a gesture that perhaps is alone able, though not entirely, to convey what i feel - i want to hug you.
Roxana, thanks very much for stopping by and leaving such a wonderful comment. Very much appreciated. :-)
Autumn, always my pleasure when you stop by. Hope things are going well on your end.
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