Day: 13-14

day thirteen:

odd day--emotional response still blunted--everything happening on an intellectual level--found an old journal from the spring of '89--makes me wonder how long I've suffered--darkness visible when I take naps, like breakers pounding the seawall of meds and I wonder if nothing has changed other than this chemical barrier that keeps me from feeling anything


day fourteen:

watched TV last night--several scenes that in the past would have moved me to tears--last night there was no movement at all--listened to 30 second clips of John Mayer's new album, every song, multiple times, trying to justify buying it--although it was clear this is very good work and I enjoyed the artistry, the lack of emotion, not in the music but in me, in my reaction to the music, not just his but all music, kept me from purchasing--I've bought almost no music in the last two weeks, notable because this is not the norm--what disturbs me the most, even more than the sexual side-effects, is the seemingly absence of any creative impulse, an impulse that has been in full bloom for almost four years--this dullness of mind, of emotion also seems to exist in the physical body too--at the risk of TMI, I find that the nerve endings in both my nipples and penis to be numbed, where before my flesh was alive and vibrant in touch, in sensation, now, the feeling is as rubber and sensation seems several steps removed--I feel as an artificial person, my chemically altered self--kinder, gentler, but dumb as stone to sensation, art, creativity, passion, a place where love is just an idea, a concept, a sentimental outcrop from a biological function--and none of this is the person I know myself to be

I would like to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving and again to express my gratitude for all the heartfelt comments. They mean more than you know. I am committed to staying the course on Sertraline (Zoloft) until my next doctor's appointment on 3 December. And to the best of my fuddled brain, to continue to document my individual experience on anti-depressant medication.