an emerging ability to smile--don't know if it will last but the experience is here this morning in spite of circumstances to the contrary--the love I have felt online, from so many wonderful friends stopping by to say hello and offer a kind word has been invaluable--my conscious effort to see thoughts as thoughts has been helpful--to know that everything we think is not necessarily true--to hold thought in the hand, to examine it for usefulness, to keep what is good and let go what is not--this feels like a step in the right direction--to know that if I stay in a particular circumstance that I am making the choice to stay--rather than allow frustration to grow with my current, and hopefully temporary anorgasmic state, I've directed my mind to take advantage of the opportunity to explore concepts of intimacy and love and relationship as seen in this state, as contrasted to the biological drive toward consummative copulation--in my med induced state, where cognition and sensation has been altered, as I have observed facets of my former self attempt to emerge, there is no doubt in my mind, and I suppose I can only speak for myself, but the desire and need to procreate remains the single strongest biological function
images come as snapshots, not as movies--single images hold my imagination and my mind fixates upon them like paintings--just the image held--as dew holds the morning light--thought too seems to come in discrete units rather than a flowing of ideas--a concatenation of boxcar like thought--my body has been craving sleep and I have given where asked and the intuitive sensation is one of healing, as if my mind and body has asked me to go away so that the house can be repaired--knock on wood, I am feeling better today than any day since I started on Zoloft--same side-effects remain, and they will need to be addressed, but still there is a light and a lightness I've not known for a long, long time--I am cautiously optimistic that I am heading in the right direction but I am also prepared for setbacks and bumps in the road--I want to thank again everyone who has stopped by and offered words of encouragement--all I can say is they mean more to me than I know how to say--there is power in a sincere kind word and I have felt that power--thank you
7 comments:
I am so glad to hear that you are able to smile. A smile can be as contagious as a yawn, and is such an important part of your healing process. You really must do a reading when you feel up to it, so you can share that smile with the rest of us. It sounds as though you are headed in the right direction.
xoxoxox
As always,
Thought, Prayers and many HUGS to you.
H
"to know that everything we think is not necessarily true"
This sentence that you just typed out has been my lifelong struggle. A lot of my ability to cope with bad things comes from mastering the power to know what I think of me isn't always what everyone else is thinking of me keeps me from being my own worst critic. It's not easy when the dark thoughts are brooding, but its so worth it in the end.
Wishing you peeks of sunshine through the dark clouds.
--snow
You are finding your way, Tree. I can see it. I sense you there, a toe beneath the bedclothes. Kittens do pounce playfully. You'll many more reasons for those smiles.
Be well.
Breathe deep.
Enjoy the sky.
(It snowed here today. The first that I've been present for. My daughter made a three foot snowman...child's play, but she loved it. And then both she and my son pelted the crap outta me. As they get bigger their pelting snowballs get mightier!)
xo
erin
I haven't visited your blog for awhile, but your progress is astounding since the last stop-by. If you are somewhat flat from medication now, you must have been flamingly brilliant before, because you still have a way with words - such heart and honesty!
An answering smile, wide and full, to read of day 17, the first of the next. More later, for now, sweetest of dreams, love and hugs, x
Thank you so much for your post. Isn't it interesting how something can come into one's life with mindfulness and purpose that makes for a positive outcome? Your words often do that for me...and they bring me to places philosophically that I really need to be, at just the exact moment in time I've needed the wisdom. As you recuperate just know that I am one friend sending blessings, love, and light.
Rachel
I want to thank each of you for the wonderfully warm comments on this post and many others. They really do mean a lot.
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