thinking life is overrated
or
perhaps
just mine
but I've been wrong
before
often
so I have that in my favor
++++++
days seem like leaves on a tree
each leaf, a day
and as the days go by
as leaves slip from trees
so I feel
this slipping away
waiting for another gust of wind
to take me into winter
++++++
my poetry is not so good
but it is mine
and it is all I have (of me)
and maybe if I would open my eyes
I'd see what it has to say:
you are not perfect
never have been
never will
and this ideal
is killing you
++++++
unremitting
my new word of the day
++++++
in my mind
I see my tree:
many leaves
or just a few
I cannot tell;
but there are days
where I feel cursed
either way
++++++
I suppose what is most scary
is not the fog
the unseeing and unknowing
but paradoxically
those moments of clear seeing
or perhaps the memory
of those moments
of clear seeing
that I take with me
back into the fog
++++++
every noise has become amplified
not so much in my ear
but in my chest
as if sound were a rope
and each wave a pulling
a constriction
that makes breathing
more difficult
and requires all my energy
all my effort
and concentration
to breathe
to place my hands
on either side of the two walls
of stimulus and response
trying to
breathe in a gap
++++++
from time to time
I have memories of things
I used to know
so called wisdom
and I see that life
that wisdom
as one sees another land
another shore
from across a river
I recognize it
know that I have been there
that I know that place
and have walked that path
and as close as it is
I cannot swim
and there is no bridge
and I have no option
but to walk away
to start anew
to where
to what
I don't know
17 comments:
nice one tree
It is the "clear seeing" that you speak of that horrifies me, too. But then I ask myself if it's true, what I'm seeing. Your poetry is beautiful, by the way, Tree. I don't know what makes you think it isn't. But maybe it is that tender blush of inadequacy you feel that makes your words ring so true.
Nevine
thank you Trée!! greetings and kiss :)
". .in my mind I see my Tree. . "
I am sorrowful that you are struggling with such difficulty.
Life is the unknown, life is change... and stepping into it is never easy. I can certainly relate to your words here. ((hugs)) Oh, and your poetry is good.
Gerry, Nevine, Inga, Limes and Athena: thanks for stopping by. Visits are always a blessing.
Tree,
I wonder this as a question to you, and perhaps to myself as well,
is it a comfort to then know someone as fucked up as you are? Is that the balm that binds chapped lips and makes them kissable instead of repugnant? Between you and I and everyone here who sees this (stop looking everyone...turn away!) I am only a thread between utter happiness and beauty, and dispondancy; between the answer to life and death, and being nothing but a husk of a girl. Is it just our lot in life? Is it this human form? Is it a super new and improved fuckedupedness form that just a few take? Ah, who knows.
I hope I wake up on the beautiful side of the thread. You too.
xo
erin
I wrote this comment first. Forgive me not knowing how severe your pain is. I am by no way suggesting that I am as...lost as you are right now. I'm just wondering if we find solace in someone who is as lost as we are? I'm wondering if that helps us carry on? Heal?
xo
erin
Indeed, the clear seeing is dreadful to encounter!
(((HUGS))) tree! All those are beautiful pieces! Love each one of em
Hope you are doing good!
Mona, I wish I could say I was doing fine, but I am not. Yesterday was another hard day in a completely different way and only convinces me more that the help I am seeking is the right decision. I have my first appointment with a professional tomorrow. I am hopeful I am moving into good hands and that this is the first step toward being 'myself' again, feeling healthy and normal and being productive. Thanks for the hugs.
Not sure what words to pick for a reply... in the end, how about just a warm virtual hug? I sure hope all will turn out the way you want them to. Huge Hugs!!!
Erin, I've been thinking about your question since I read it last night right before bed. I've known the answer, right away, but have struggled as to how to properly answer it. First, let me say, if your pain is anything similar to mine, I send you all the love I have and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. Hugs my friend.
The very terse answer to your question is 'no' it does not help. I've been trying to come up with the right simile or metaphor but they all seem inadequate so I'll stick with the first one that came to mind: When one is running a high fever, knowing that someone else is also running a high fever does not make one's own illness any less, the fever still burns and the pain still consumes. The second example that came to mind was this: when the company I worked for went bankrupt earlier this year, it impacted about 300 people. Talking with those other people that were in the same boat didn't hurt, but when the phone call of commiseration was over, it didn't put bread on the table either.
Neither of the two examples really works in trying to answer your question. To have someone reach out always helps. The pain/darkness is no less, but a hug is a hug is a hug and there is some comfort in that. My illness, I think, is some chemical change that has grown deeper with aging and perhaps inflamed by my personal circumstances. I do believe that even if all of my 'environmental' issues were magically fixed, the darkness would still be there and my suffering would only take place without a few extra worries. This is what has convinced me that I cannot heal myself and has shattered the pride that has always kept me from reaching out for help.
Let me be clear on this point: I do appreciate you visiting and commenting and knowing you care enough to do both, very, very much. And to see your comment does help. It just doesn't fix what is broken or lessen the pain.
Love to you Erin. I would drag your husk across my nose and inhale your pain if I could. Perhaps our pains could play together and become friends. Then we could talk in peace over coffee.
Thanks Liane. I'll take all the hugs I can get. Each one is like a short, temporary warmth amidst the cold and in that moment, of feeling the warmth of another, of virtual flesh upon virtual flesh, there is a reprieve, if only for a second, still it is there and appreciated. I hope you can feel me hugging back.
Tree, beautiful. Sorry. Beautiful and real and understandable the way you describe it. No, my pain must be different, it does lessen in the share. I'm so glad that you are able to see that this is beyond persona and needs to be addressed perhaps chemically. These damned bodies are like cars, and jalopies at that. Take care. Get duct tape if you have to. The need for pride is an illusion.
xo
erin
Still, Erin, I would press my lips against yours.
I am thinking, your Poetry is actually good Tree.Your writings as a whole, always leave their mark within me; when my eyes have read your words.
I am liking the images your words conjure up inside my mind's eye.
You are kind SarahA and I've learned not to argue with opinions of taste. This darkness that consumes me has cast a shade upon everything and I can no longer see clearly. Nothing seems as it was. Last night I was asked if I could find a certain poem. As I looked into my archives and begin reading from several months ago, a feeling akin to nausea came over me and the desire rose up to delete this whole blog such the revulsion for what I read, to think that it might be linked to me, that this is me, for I know the effort I put in in the writing and to think this is the best I can do verges on humiliation, a burden day by day I find harder to bear. Of course I didn't delete the blog because there is still some fragment of me, some awareness that knows I am not seeing clearly, that I cannot judge anything with any sense of acumen. My brain is dull, the darkness has beaten the sword into a plowshare. Yet, let me say again, your effort and kindness is noted and appreciated. Thank you.
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