so far I've been under the impression that my cognitive functions have been spared--I'm starting think otherwise--as I read books and watch movies I can see my mind moving slower to solve issues of plot--now, this is a very, very interesting point--I have always maintained that plot held little interest, for both my reading and writing--that the 'how' trumped the 'what'--yet I find now, especially in reading, a desire or a need to get to the point, the point of plot, skimming over 'purple patches' as if they were superfluous--this left brain view is virtually the opposite of my views before--the sense is as if the meds have shut down or strongly diminished right brain activity and that I am now functioning on my left brain, which is not my dominate hemisphere--the feeling is similar to a right handed person having their right hand tied behind their back, or having that right hand/arm numbed such that its effectiveness is greatly diminished--the result, is that I process information differently--I see stimuli differently--my responses to events are different and therefore my behavior is different--good or bad is a value judgment but the net effect is I am different on meds than not--I know it seems I just stated the obvious but to know this from experience is very different than to know it academically--likewise, the changes are not just changes of sedation but changes in the circuit-board of cognition such that input is not outputted in a kinder way, but outputted in a different way--I am not a facsimile of myself, a muted version, but a different self, a self with a brain that functions differently
can cognitive will overcome chemistry--can I observe my chemistry and act independently--is this a matter of education, discipline, observation and awareness, of habit and conscious choice, helpful/skillful/right choice--can I drop every story I've ever told myself about who I am, leave all the baggage of the past at the door and act from this moment, act from a clean slate, act from the present moment creation of my own reality as processed by my own cognitive functions--can I separate myself from my thoughts--can I see the brain as a tool and not as me
6 comments:
Sigh, to live as another person. This seems to be what you describe. There are books/movies about such things. Waking up in a different body, as a different person. Trying to learn who you are and intricate details about oneself. Be careful, this seems to be the making of a madman. I am so very glad to see that you will be revisiting your physician next week. I know you will inform him/her of every detail that you have journaled and together, the two of you will plan a new course of action. I know I keep saying it over and over, but you are always on my mind, in my thoughts. I pray that you find the correct course that will bring you true happiness, along with regaining your creativity that we all so much enjoy.
The holidays always seem tough, we all have high expectations, most of which are not met. Take special care during the next few weeks as you navigate through what is typicaly emotional times.
I know I speak for all your "followers", we love you and wish you the best. You are in the thoughts and prayers of so many, in a sense, you are blessed to have so many hugs.
;-)
LOVE
Thoughts
Prayers
HUGS
HUGS
HUGS
"H"
LotL, the thought has occurred to me to stay medicated through the holidays. ;-)
Short term, Zoloft has served its purpose, which first and foremost was to protect me from myself; and regardless of everything else, the interminable darkness has largely been kept at bay, which although has not solved the problem, has given me some time.
If nothing else, I am stubbornly persistent when faced with a problem. I am going to figure this out and return not only to health but to the person I know I am and I am going to enjoy music and sex and creativity and the full range of emotions again. I don't know exactly how, but I have a clear goal, which is not something I could have said a few weeks ago.
I miss writing. I miss the creative experience. I miss the flow of emotion and the way music could move me. I miss feeling so alive, so sensitive that life was at times painful behind what it should have been.
My only concern is the darkness. The power and force of which I had never encountered and felt powerless to stop. I'd like to believe I can have my life back and be able to live it. I'd like to think my circumstances have been a contributing factor and as soon as I can find work and get my external life in order, I can begin to move forward.
The darkness still pulls on you.
But you have started to miss of all of which makes you tick. Good sign.
I know all you want is your life back. I understand. I feel the pain and the loss. I also understand the numbness that chemicals can bring initially.
As a doctor and a fellow writer-INFP, I can tell you it is going to take some time. I have seen anti depressants work as soon as 4 weeks but usually it takes more like 6 or 7 weeks. On a scientific note it works on the serotonin receptors and hence the time it takes to be effective.
But do not give up and certainly do not stop once you start to feel better. Talk to you doctor, hopefully you feel you can trust them to talk about things.
Even if you are not creating you are still putting words on paper, still expressing yourself. I am not sure I could do it all the time although I did it earlier in a post after a really bad day and it was somewhat cathartic.
By the way it is lovely listening to your podcasts.
Janete, your input is always appreciated. I'm still able to put these updates together, but any poetic sense in constructing syntax is missing. Most of my updates have been gloried bullet points, which I find easier to write in my current state. I appreciate your encouragement very much and I am working hard to remain patient and open-minded. I like the doctor I have and will probably follow his advice based on my input. I would like to solve the anorgasmia. My libido remains strong. I have the mind of a monk, but not the body. I do need my creativity back and my ability to experience joy. If time is necessary, I'm willing to invest and I'm open minded to trying new things. Thanks again for taking the time to comment. Very much appreciated. As for the Podcasts, I wasn't sure anyone was listening but it does make me smile to think that someone is. I may need to do another soon, if for no other reason than to document by voice the experience to date under meds and contrast the recording to those done before.
So many special qualities we have identified within your writing, within your comments/conversation, some as above you remark upon yourself, stubborn persistence you name it, strength, patience, confidence, trust, integrity, sincerity are some of connotations that come to mind with those words, all of which are traits we know you by. In the same way, from reading words that you have typed, before the above were, one could read the things of which you have spoken of here. Whatever else this may be, it is also a learning experience, in the changes you may perhaps know with increased clarity who you are (were if you will), and that in turn I imagine would be a warm breeze. Without a doubt, circumstances contribute. As always, thinking of you, sending love, sending hugs, wishing for better days. x
Well, I keep telling myself, when I can write again, I will have new experiences to draw upon--and this will be true. I may try meditation and yoga again--both of which have been very useful for stress and I can't see how they could hurt. But above all, I want my orgasms back. :-D
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