Interview with Yul (from Earth): Part 2
T: Ready to continue?
Y: Always ready.
T: I would expect no less (smiles). Tell me what happened when Rog walked in the door.
Y: You know how when in hospital they ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1-10?
T: Yes.
Y: Well, on the pissed scale, I was about a 15. Beyond pissed, beyond anger. It was an odd place, emotionally. I felt like I was in the eye of a storm. Hell had happened and I had a feeling hell was going to happen again, but in this moment I felt the strangest sense of detachment. When he walked in that door, I felt nothing.
T: Nothing. At all?
Y: Not a damn thing; and it scared me to death. He sat there with his pathetic eye bandages, and I felt nothing. I didn't even feel numb. He was like a book I had once read and at one time liked, maybe even loved, but now, it just looked old and yellow and for the life of me I couldn't understand why I had ever felt the way I did. He didn't look the same. I almost felt embarrassed.
T: (dumbfounded look)
Y: What?
T: I'm sorry. I was not expecting this and my mind is running, trying to grasp what you are saying.
Y: (sighs) I wasn't expecting it either. It happened in an instant. The door opened. The nurse walked him to a chair beside my bed. He sat down, looking all the much like the Jackassary he explained himself to be, and I just didn't care. If fact, I felt a strange sense of boredom. Only later did the eye pass and the second wave of hell overtake me. To be honest, the meeting with Rog, well, even saying it was anticlimactic, is overstating the case. It was a non-meeting meeting. He looked whipped, like a pampus with his tail between his legs. His shoulders drooped, his voice had no power and he seemed very uncomfortable not being able to see. I don't think he really knew what he wanted to say, not that there was anything he could have said that would have made a difference.
T: I want to come back to this second wave of hell, but before we move on I want to bring closure to your meeting with Rog. My understanding is that when he came out of the room, the only thing he could tell Kyra that you said was "either/or."
Y: (laughed) Not sure we really talked about much of anything.
T: But he was in there for an hour or so, right?
Y: Probably.
T: What did you do for an hour if not talk?
Y: I think you are missing the whole scene. We talked, but about nothing, at least nothing that I remember. But the words were only words. They didn't mean anything. You see, there was only one thing to say. We both knew what it was. He didn't want to hear it. I didn't feel I needed to say it. He had made a choice. Right or wrong and that choice was, to put it bluntly, to leave me to die. I don't frailing care what the circumstances were. I was dying. He choose to be elsewhere. Ain't no words gonna reconcile that.
T: (silence)
Y: So, I told him. Either you get your sorry arse out of my room or I'll find someone who can. He sat for what seemed like the longest time, almost like he didn't comprehend what I said. Then he stood, again, just standing there like I was going to say something else. The silence must have just killed his soul, especially not being able to see me. Next thing he heard was the call button for the nurse. She escorted him out.
T: (sighs)
Y: Look. I never said I was some frailing Janussary.
T: True.
Y: And would you want to frail me as bad as you do if I were?
T: (hesitates)
Y: Still struggling to be bluntly honest.
T: (starts to speak)
Y: Look. Frailing is a waste of time without an absolute commitment of unadulterated openness. If there is anything, and I mean anything, between you and the other person, any idea, concept, thought, hope, belief, dream, whatever, then the frailing will suffer. You must bring all of you to the frail. And the same for the other. (pause) All of you. And nothing but you. Otherwise . . .
T: Otherwise . . .?
Y: Otherwise, the pieces won't fit.
T: I'm not sure--
Y: Of course you don't. You don't speak my language. You see, the problem was not Rog and what Rog did. The problem was me. As soon as he left the room, the second wave of hell came, slowly at first, but with a relentlessness and a force, I suppose I can say this now, that was beautiful to watch in its power and intensity. And it was pure hell. Now stand up.
T: (stands)
Y: Take your pants off and show me what you got.
T: What?
Y: Take your pants off. Now.
T: I--
Y: Sit down. Why would I frail you and all your baggage? Drop the baggage and then come back and see me.
T: I don't think you understand--
Y: No, I don't think you do.
(to be continued)
31 comments:
Still more to come, let me just insert a quick woohoo. :-)
The interview method I must say once again is genius and even more so being set in the future, where the characters have developed and are able to look back on the events that are so tense and crucial in the current timeframe with as fresh and unbiased eyes as they are able being the events still concern them, in some cases are painful memories etc. Yul telling us what she felt now rather than trying to explain it to someone or even herself then is bound to be more clear and consise. I'm not sure what I expected her to say about what happened in that room during her reunion with Rog, but this certainly wasn't it and so the story does as it always does surprises with a turn of events. I expected explanations, a calm and collected conversation, and not as she wrote here mere words with no real meaning. At least none that were memorable. As soon as I read it however, it made sense, at least in as much as I could see the two of them there, and that emotion that she describes, past anger, past being numb to being just plain tired of the whole situation, tells us perhaps more still of what a blow it must have been to be left as she was, facing almost certain death, by the one person she had come to depend upon or rather whom she had come to believe really did love her. As she says so blatantly, regardless of circumstances, and we know that she understands them, understands too the decision that Rog made, but still it was a decision that could ultimately have meant her dying while he was away and at the very least, as occured, she faced the operation and all that it entailed before and after without him. As we questioned on the part one, how could he not stay, but then again how could he not go.
Intrigued by the next outburst of rage that she mentions and very much looking forward to hearing more about that. In large part because where she is at in this chapter does not suggest reconciliation is on the horizon, so for them to get from the place she describes here to very obviously still being together all these years later as this interview is being conducted, is a great leap, but one that makes more sense if that sense of being unbothered, of not remembering why she cared in the first place, is a temporary state, a short reprieve from the high emotions that have filled her days these last weeks. On and on I go for it is all so terribly exciting. :-)
The part about openess is wonderful and speaks for itself, without complete openess how do two people enclose each other completely. Such a wonderful passage and to know Yul never changes where it matters is what has been nicest to see in these futuristic interviews, she is still wicked in the best possible way, relishing the effect that she has on the men around her. Her words here suggest she learned from Rog in as much as a previous chapter describes how she wishes she were more like him, able to just let go, able to think of nothing else, to just give herself completely to the frail, to use your words as written here. Her illustration says it better than any words could of, if there is hesitation there is thought, questions, baggage, something that will come between them. Poor T though, hope he hasn't missed his chance entirely. :-D
Excellent chapter once again, am full of anticipation to hear the remainder of this interview, to know what happened next with Rog and Yul, how it was possible for them to move past what happened and leave it behind, and to see what might happen when the cameras aren't rolling in that interview room. :-)
You know, I'm tempted to do an interview with Rog on this same subject. It would start with him saying, "That's not what happened at all!" LOL :-D
This chapter just happened, as I wrote it, without rhyme or reason. Yul might be embellishing, she might be selective in what she remembers, she might even be lying about what happened in order to make herself look better based on what happened next. I don't fully understand everything she said. I was tempted to ask her to clarify but thought the better of interrupting her flow. You know, when I woke up this morning, the last thing I thought was that Yul was ready for Part 2 of her interview. And I was not prepared for her to say what she said. Will be interesting to see what Rog has to say. ;-)
As always, thank you for such engaging comments. I not sure what I like more--writing the chapters or responding to your comments. In part, this is why I could never see what I'm doing as a book. It just wouldn't be the same. ;-)
Oh, and as a teaser of things to come, Rog is in trouble, but not with Yul. Something a little more urgent, a little more pressing, a little more out of his control. :-D
Oooh, off I go doing mental cartwheels and making myself dizzy wondering just what that might be. A tease of the most accomplished kind, you are, but it's a likable trait. :-D
Let's just say the local authorities are looking for him. :-D
like a whirlpool that never ends... :-)
Ohhhhhhhhh THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!
THANK YOU for allow this female her anger...thank you for allowing her free reign to express it and not have to swallow it up or deny it in the name of 'goodness'.
YUCK
Don't get me wrong. Misdirected anger is a horrible thing on all accounts. But rare is the man who is willing to engage a woman when she is in full, righteous anger - an anger that comes from within the deepest recesses of her soul - where only someone she loves can hurt her.
I know what it's like to have been hurt so badly by someone I loved, that the next time I saw them I was "NUMB" with it...as if suddenly we were from different planets (LOL well, we are, but...;-)...)
Many are mistaken when they say that hate is the opposite of love. It is not. It's simply the energy of love twisted by pain. Apathy is the opposite of love (and one would be hardpressed at times to distinguish apathy from the numbness of pain-born anger and rage.
I'm not the least surprised that Yul wanted to jump T.s bones (if I was reading that right). There are just a handful of emotions that fire us up. Anger is certainly one of them (and, perhaps Yul would be able to feel again where Rog is concerned if she had a healthy male who would embrace her emotional purging. It would be a wild thing, indeed, and healing.)
Phoenix, I would love to take credit for this chapter but it is really all Yul. I woke up this morning with no intention of writing anything. And then I heard a small voice and I started typing. I did not plan this chapter. I did not plan what Yul might say or why she might say it. I did not think how this might fit into the bigger picture of the story. I just let Yul speak. I let Yul be Yul. And what you see is what she had to say.
Funny thing is, this afternoon, I looked at the chapter again, and as I read it, I wondered where it came from, and it felt as if I was seeing it for the first time, and I suppose, as a reader, I was. It was the strangest experience and one I don't think I've had with any other chapter. It really did not feel like I had written it. And what is more funny is, I read it with interest, to find out what she was saying and it felt as if I didn't know. I don't know how to really describe it other than before I was fully awake this morning, I just wrote, I let Yul speak and I let her say whatever she wanted to say. And that is what you have in this chapter.
Oh, and I think it is T that wants Y. Yul is just playing with his inability to let it all hang out. If he can do that, if he can be himself fully, she will gladly frail him till the moon sets. :-D
Thank you Phoenix for such a passionate and beautifully engaged comment. I would hug you to pieces if I could and maybe kiss you too for good measure. :-)
u r too clever!
Keshi.
Come a little closer and I'll show you how clever I am. :-D
Wooo... she's definitely wanting to make her point known, isn't she? I can understand the anger she has for all she's been through but I think there's something more to what she says. Or perhaps it's because she is different.
I do agree with how she ended it though - how could she not want to take advantage of having you and Jack right there?! ;-)
Karen, neither Jack nor myself are complaining. :-D
I'm sure! LOL Me thinks Jack took over on that part. *snortle*
Give the guy a squeeze and a kiss from me and you deserve the same. ;-)
Karen, I'll do my best. By the way, when is the next slumber party? Jack wants to know. :-D
in that case I'd say u give me a fever LOL!
Keshi.
That's why you need to meet me on the bridge, where there is a nice ocean breeze. :-D
See, I've been planning ahead. ;-)
((( Trée ))) Just stopping by to tell you that I hope the pain is lessened today, that that you're feeling better.
Either that, or that the drugs are REALLY working, and you're getting some rest!
Bug hugs!
Phoenix, I was doing fine until I took the bandages off and I saw just how long the incision was. LOL
Pics up at Trebuchet, if you care to see that sort of thing. ;-)
Wear white and bring the rubber gloves. I could use some attention. :-D
Phoenix, I saw this on Kelly's blog and it made me think of you:
The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer (A Native American Elder)
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking the fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow, if you have been opened up by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let ecstacy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can betray another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not a pretty day.
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't matter who you are, or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
Now hurry up with those gloves. And the amber stuff might not hurt either. :-D
Trée... I'll go look at the pics as soon as I'm done here....(I'm tempted to ask "How long is it?" but I'll just let the pictures tell the story! LOL) Rubber gloves and nurses uniforms?? Suddenly I'm see an album cover...hummmm who was that?? I'm sure you know. Too much yoga tonight - I'm in the Thought Free Zone :)
You are beginning to know me so well...I have belonged to another social networking site for a couple of years now and that particular piece is on on my profile page. LOVE LOVE LOVE it!
YES, ladies and gentleman, we are witnessing a Vulcan Mind Meld :-)
Kisses near your booboo...I'll go look at your face now... xoxox
Cool interview tree! just as I thought it would be! I knew it was that!
Will come & comment later... I have some urgent tasks to attend to right now! This will take some time! :)
Thanks Mona. I'll leave the light on for you. The key is under the mat. Help yourself to whatever you want in the kitchen then come find me and I'll take care of whatever you need. :-D
Phoenix, I have a female doctor and maybe I'm wrong here, but I'm probably one of the few that look forward with glee to my Physical. The snap of that rubber glove just sends an electrifying chill down my spine to parts spread and tight. :-D
Speaking of which, I need to reschedule my appointment. You know after 40, one must keep a very careful eye on the prostate, or is that finger? :-D
LOLOL :) (oh, I just snorted my grapefruit LOL)....
I have a feeling age has NOTHING to do with your particular...uh...penchant for rubber gloves! LOL
Phoenix, ;-)
You are correct. I've always enjoyed assuming the position. :-)
Tree!...I have a promise to keep I guess...
Detachment is the theme of this interview. Yul's profound experience has made her fall into the centre of her being. She is surprised & alarmed to discover herself reborn where all the categories have been dropped, all the colors of the past have been erased. She no longer sees herself as 'labled'or conditioned to a category, she has become unstructured of her former being.
Her Hurt was her Ego, the misery of which she realises or discovers by mistake.
ranj se ho gar pareshaan dil to mit jaata hai ranj/ mushkilein mujh par padeein itni ke aasaan ho gayeein
[ Tonight I faced so much pain in my life, yet I realised that when the pain crosses its limits it disappears on its own. My very tribulations have made my life easier for me]
If you understand the stupidity of ego, its foolishness and its misery, you drop it. there is no 'how'. just the misery of it: you look at it & find it absolutely miserable, a hell, & you drop it.
You have clung to it for long, & you go on clinging to it because you have been cherishing a dream through it. You have not understood the misery of it and are still hoping there is some treasure in it..
A deep insight has perhaps made her see, her clinging which has been the root of her problem & anger.
Clinging is the problem, so she realises that if she doesnt cling, it drops on its own accord.. her ego & in lieu her pain too. Perhaps, that is why she feels numb
One keeps on wanting to drop pain, & one does'nt realise that he/she is clinging to it...
Ask yourself, search within,not 'how', but 'why' you cling. Has it given you anything except promises? has it fulfilled any promise ever? are you going to be decieved by it forever & ever? have you not been decieved by it enough by now?Are you still not aware that it is not leading you anywhere but in a whirlpool , you go hoping the same old dreams?
Everytime you were frustrated, you did'nt see, that from the beginning the promise was false.The moment you get frustrated, again you start dreaming a new hope and the ego goes on promising you...
The ego is impotent. It can only promise; it can never deliver. Just look into it, and on the way between promise and no delivery, in between the two, much suffering, much frustration much misery...
The hell you have heard of is not part of some geography, it is not underneath the ground. It is under your ego.
When you become aware of this misery, suddenly you do'nt cling, that's all.You do'nt need to drop, you just dont cling & it drops on its own...
Yul's surrender is the absence of her ego which leads to detachment
& suddenly she sees herself that even in an old situation, she is responding in a different way.
It happens...someone annoying in the past faces you & yet you are not annoyed, somebody's presence should irritate you & you are not irritated, but have a strange sense of silent tranquil.Even the memory of someone's insults leave you untouched...
& remember, it is a transfrence of being, not a communication of knowledge to you...
Believe me, I know it from experience... it is happening to me...
Gosh! already half past two in the morn here...!
:D
LOL @ " help yourself to whatever you want in the kitchen then come to me & I'll take care of whatever you need"!
Hazaaron khuwaahishein aisseein ki har khuwaahish par dum nikle; Bohot Nikle mere armaan lekin phir bhi kam nikle...
[ My needs are such that each one can kill; and although many of them have been fulfilled, yet the 'many' is still 'too less'...]
Mona, that is a very interesting take on this chapter and in my med induced mind I probably need to read your comment again and then again. In fact, with the meds in my system I'm having a hard time even remembering why I wrote what I wrote, what I had Yul feeling. I do remember I had a reason--I'm just at a loss right now to remember it. Four more days and I get my mind back. I hate being on drugs. I literally am not myself. So, having said that, let me defer to a time when my mind is clearer to respond.
I do want to thank you for keeping your promise with such a wonderfully engaged comment. Thank you Mona. :-)
I just sent you an email about the next slumber party... I hope you can come *snortle*
Ooooh, getting my calendar out. :-)
This is priority, you know ;-) LOL
Oh Jack has told me as much. :-D
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