Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Day: 5
first day on full dose--very drugged upon taking--sleep restless--morning same as before--pressure on the crown of the skull as if someone is pressing their palm on the top of my head--slight queasiness--sexual function impaired--creativity blunted--darkness somewhere close--no pleasure in music--slight increase in irritability--thoughts of suicide resurface-- desultory restlessness--thoughts of disintegration return; of feeling in pieces, broken, shattered as if a collection of shards of what once was--voices seem distant in the way they do from underwater--life feels filtered, everything passing through the censorious meds before they get to me--a sense of being caged--that nothing has changed other than this interminable dullery of every former pleasure--as a flower drained of hue
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
Interesting how aware you are of the changes.
As always many Hugs to you. :-)
H
Only one response to offer in response being a hope that colours, sweet and vibrant, may find their way to you. To remember also the words written on a previous post, I apologize for forgetting the name of the person who was commenting, of a period of transition, of having been moved not into new surroundings but turned rather, a changed perspective of the same surroundings and allowing time for eyes to focus, ears to tune. Thinking of you, sending love.
LotL, awareness of this sort is a beotch, a curse. I am myself cataloged like an accountant, a ledger bleeding red. Everything is numb but my analytical mind.
Thanks for the hugs.
Autumn, I am committed to staying the course until my next appointment and then at that time reevaluating the next step. I realize I am only on day five and, as the doctor said, in week two, the med would only be at 60% efficacy. Still, I want to document as much as I can, as transparently as my conscious mind will allow.
And remember the telephone, because dispensing medication and sending you off until the next appointment may not be EVERYTHING you need. You may need to speak with your doctor(s) to ask for advice or guidance. This is not an ailment where anything is precisely the same from one patient to another. Maybe you need something the next person doesn't. Please. Don't sit silently.
My WV is gynkeys - near relatives of monkeys.
<3
Limes, I'm watching closely. Maybe too closely. :-D
You'd BETTER! I'd submit that you're doing it as well as it can be done. It's never pretty. Just getting through OK is a success. You're doing beautifully. I think it is excellent that when things are going perfectly shitty for you, you just say so. Good on you, my friend.
Post a Comment