Drowsy upon the hour of taking. Intensive dreaming. Restless sleep. Sensation of a beam of light on the crown of my head similar to the night before but more intense. The beam appeared in my mind as a pointed instrument, similar to a tent peg. The sensation feels as if under the skull, almost a teemingness, the brain as a bucket of minnows. The feeling is localized roughly to a two inch circumference and is felt shortly after going to bed. Upon waking and even now, early afternoon, there is a sense of pressure on the crown of the skull and a cooling sensation, again localized to a small circle and felt from the inside out.
For the second morning, I awoke to an intense headache in the back of the head on either side of the area above the neck. These headaches are more intense than I usually might have and the feeling is of tentacles reaching into the lower soft tissue of the brain, grip tight, pulling tighter. Likewise for the second day is a very subtle queasy feeling that has the net affect of reducing appetite as opposed to the noted side-effect of an increased desire to eat. On an emotional level, there is a sense of a very subtle dullness as if viewing the emotions from the other side of a glass. The feeling is similar to sedation but not quite the same. Also, my motor-skills seem to be slightly less sharp and my movements slightly slower as one might experience under cold medicine. Now, what is interesting is that when taking cold medicine, as the body feels lethargic so too the mind, in this case, where the body and emotions seem blunted, my mind feels exceedingly sharp or trenchant, to use a word I'm trying to working into my vocabulary.
Thoughts of suicide returned this morning as they had not yesterday, but there was no energy to them. Perhaps vestigial but something to keep an eye on. Upon waking and through the morning there was a grogginess as yesterday as one would feel when taking nighttime cold medicine. Listening to music this morning, as too yesterday, was enjoyable, but the emotional edge is not the same as before and I don't know what to make of this but to continue to observe. I do seem to be more talkative, more willing and desirous to engage conversation, and this is a very pleasant change. I also find I am less reactionary and there is the sense of holding a greater perspective than before--and this is a very good thing.
6 comments:
Tree, having ridden in your type of rodeo before, I'd submit that your upswing in mood and emotion comes from having finally taken the step to do something - anything - just SOME action. Once your body has adjusted to those meds, you shouldn't "feel" anything at all. They're not intrusive at all, unless you have some unforeseen side effects.
Limes, I think you are right about taking that step. And I hope you are right about the meds. My body is very sensitive to anything I put into it. Acclimation can't come soon enough. :-)
You're going to be fine. You're going to regain your joy. You're going to work with your doctor to find the right dosage of the right medication that won't trouble you. And you're going to be sensitive to others who have suffered in the same way. That's how it works.
LimesNow sent me over to scroll through your blog. It is very moving. I'm sorry to read of your struggles with depression. I think it is the curse of all great artists. They are intermittently driven to art and driven mad. I have many artist friends who I am sure were born a zoloft a day short. How do you do those fractals?
Judy, welcome to DT. I'd trade a little more artist for a little less depression. :-D
The fractals, at least the majority, are made with a freeware program called Apophysis.
Your mind and body will need time to adjust, as Limes says. You're reading, listening to music, communicating. Tree, you are healing. Let it have the time it needs to happen. Be well.
xo
erin
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