They entered the chapel, just the two of them. The nave was as dark as the courtyard without and through the windows stained with hero and saint, the stone floor appeared in faded hues of heaven's light. She was not as heavy as he thought she ought to be, not the weight of one whole or with child.
He smelled wood, endless rows of dark pews and to mind came the whip. She felt like a grounded balloon without the strength to rise, her party over, her arms and legs withered strings. Before them both, the fount, sparkles of light, gold and purple, a universe alive, a light unto the darkness, warmth into the cold, freshness into dank. They looked, together, the kind of looking that held the present at bay and thought at gate. From the ceiling, a shaft of light, angled from the right, reached to the fount as the fount reached upward.
"Von?"
"Yes dear?"
"I loved your son."
"I know."
"And he loved me."
"I have no doubt."
"It was the kind of love that needed nothing."
Von held her hand, rubbing his thumb over her palm.
"He never asked. Nor did I. I don't think either of us felt the need to add to what was already perfect. Besides, on Hyneria and even more so on Silus, it seemed an unnecessary luxury, an adding to rather than an essential part. There were more important things to do. That was your son, always seeing, always clear about what was important. In the midst of chaos he had the rare ability to stand above it, to remain calm, levelheaded, as if he knew something the rest of us didn't. And when I became pregnant, it wasn't I that glowed, it was him. And I began to understand." Her thought interrupted with a cough, derailed into memory, eyes distant.
"What? What did you begin to understand?"
Zoe sighed, rolling her eyes up to Von as if to move her head was too much effort. "I'm not sure why I didn't see it sooner. Then again, perhaps I did. Perhaps that first day, with the old one, I did." Again Zoe drifted into memory.
"Please continue."
"He should be the one here. Not me." She broke eye contact with Von and looked toward the fount. "You see, I don't have what he had. And this child, he will need his father, he will need what I don't have, what I can't give." Zoe smiled.
"Tell me."
"Your son knew life, connected with life, in a way the rest of us don't understand and I had the feeling he had been to the other side and had been sent back to lead us, teach us, to show, by example, how to live, to give, to be something bigger, better, greater than just ourselves. He didn't live life. You see, he was life. He didn't have to say it. You could see it in everything he was, everything he did. Blessed. Touched. Gifted. Those were the words others used to try to explain."
The chapel was cold. Von took his cloak off and wrapped it around Zoe. "If what you say is true, then he must have seen something very special, in you." Von paused as he tucked the cloak, her wan face looking all the more pale, almost sacred, in the blackness of his cloth. "He choose you to share life, to create life. In union . . ."
"That is what I need."
"What?"
"We never had the time. But here, in this place. I am reminded."
"I don't understand," said Von, holding her clothed head in his large hands. Her neck muscles relaxed and the thought occurred that maybe they would never strain again. She began to speak, her voice growing softer, in harmony with her limpid eyes, her face appearing more childlike by the moment.
"I want the blessing of union. Can we do that, here? Now?"
"Now?" Before Zoe could respond, Von caught himself. "Of course now. Yes. Yes, I believe we can."
"Von?"
"Yes?"
"I'm fading."
"No, you're not fading. You're not."
"What do you want me to say?"
"I want you to hang on. I will find help. You must believe me."
Zoe smiled. "I meant, what do you want me to say to Ceru. When I see him."
__________
Standing before the fount, Von held Zoe in his arms, her eyes opened as a child before the fire, her lips trembling, dry, cracked, slightly parted. Light, nova bright, bubbled up with the words of the chaplain, then a flash, blinding. He closed his book, looked at Von, standing, arms outstretched, empty.
12 comments:
"It was the kind of love that needed nothing."
Thats very rare to come by.
Very rare indeed. :-)
Oh god, you are making me cry... You write so beautifully, Tree...
You should publish your blog in book form, with every post having its own page & fractal...
Annie, you are very, very kind. Thank you. :-)
Beautiful
This is so lovely, still though it is now many hours since I read it the first time, I do not know how to begin to tell you just how lovely.
My heart aches for Von as I read this so much so there is a sense of breathlessness with it. There is the beginning for it must be the mark of a truly great writer for nothing directly to be said in relation to the multitude of emotions and thoughts that must be going through his mind at this time, memories and love of his son, the woman before him, the woman his son loved and the shortness of time that he has had with her, not just for the link, to hear of Ceru through her eyes and through her heart, but for herself too. And for the child. The mark that with this chapter one could spend a lifetime with the nuances of all that lies within them during these moments. It is all in the voices, which may sound strange given nothing is heard but read, but it is there, in the softness, in the assurance and the drifting, the trailing and the hush. Just as the scene with Em falling, the image of Zoe wrapped in cloth, Von holding it together as they speak of union is so strong, graphic, in an instant it appears so clear only time is needed to focus and recall the minutest of details.
From start to finish the flow is uninterrupted, perfectly laid out and paced, not easy to describe but easy to recognize or rather to feel, flow is felt not seen, heard within the melody of the words.
through the windows stained with hero and saint is just one of the very many particularly wonderful turns within. Particularly wonderful metaphor example in turn is the balloon used to describe Zoe's lack of strength and weightlessness.
Although we have been treated to three or four flashbacks that have featured Ceru, it has not been enough to know him, like the times that he has been spoken of they seem, like memories rather than events witnessed and there is a great desire, that grows with every mention of him, with every remembrance, with ever new detail that we learn, each time the great love that he roused in his father and in Zoe is spoken of, to know him, to be close to him so to speak, to see and witness and experience the beauty of his heart and soul, the one who stood with the elderly Hynerian in his arms, the son who wrote the Book of Letters, the one who loved in a way that caused those in turn to love him as they do, and at the same time there is a sense of, like a relative never met, deceased and only stories and memories and love remains from those that knew, of wanting to hear again and anew and more and still always knowing there will never be a meeting. Perhaps it is something in the memories, in the account of another, seeing someone through someone else's heart for though we have seen Zeke many a time, there is that same feeling with him.
Entirely perfect in every way (exclamation marks galore in lieu of words that can reach), the most beautiful part within, listening, seeing are the first four(+) sentences of conversation.
There is the beginning for it must be the mark of a truly great writer for nothing directly to be said in relation to the multitude of emotions and thoughts that must be going through his mind at this time,.... my point was lost within, which was nothing directly said and yet the question of what must Von be thinking, what must Von be feeling are so prominent within.
Well, keep your fingers crossed. I might need to do audio on this one. ;-)
They've been crossed since the first time I read it. :)
What a personal, beautiful scene. I feel blessed by having read it.
I think that you must have 2 life times of experiences to write like this.
What a fascinating thought, Jen!
Jen, sometimes I just think too much. :-D
So nice to see you getting caught up again. Welcome back. :-)
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