Zoe: The overwhelming feeling, image in my mind, and I suppose this goes back to the last days on Hyneria, of the things I saw there, not with the old and infirm, but with the young, young mothers and their children, the fear in their eyes, the constant grey and gloom and rain and those huddled mothers holding their young to their chest as if in the holding their children would be protected and seeing those faces, of the children, small faces within blankets peering out as I imagine owls from a tree, baby owls, hungry, eyes wide, waiting for their mother, waiting for food, waiting for their world to be right, their belly full and this is their entire world, hunger and warmth or lack thereof and this is the image I cannot shake, of the rain, of me, of my child, holding on in a gale only with our hands, me trying to pull him to me, he looking with fear, the fear of not understanding, seeing me, his world entire and feeling, sensing, fearing, as our grip slips, of this entire world slipping away and all I can see is his face, his eyes, those owl eyes in the night and the rain loosens my grip and in the wind, he slips away, my hand empty, my soul collapsing in on itself like a black hole and the feeling is beyond shame, beyond worthlessness, beyond any ability to define it since I've never had occasion to feel this way before. And this is why I cannot let go, I cannot accept the choice, why I must fight and will fight and I must win and will win because this is the soul of a mother, this is me, all that I am and without this, this fight, this will, this essence, I am nothing. Can you somehow, someway, understand?
Von: Yes.
9 comments:
The matter-of-fact, sincere, essential, quiet, so one imagines, yes at the end is the sparkle within this jewel. Very nicely written, the lack of punctuation, the ands and continuances, a stream of emotion, a stream of resolve, fear, love, remembrance, with this chapter the love of a parent for their child, the want to protect and the limits to which one can do so, the incomprehensible magnitude of what it would mean to know that there is nothing left to do, the fate of ones child decided. Her strength, her wish and her determination come across so strongly, as she spoke I thought back to a scene I once saw in a film, of a transportation train in Germany, the story quickly told was that the train was abandoned, the captured with no means of escape from the wagon and as the doors were opened, alone, the only survivor sat, having survived for one reason and one reason only, a son, that she needed to find, needed to know had survived by the means that she had taken to (hopefully) ensure it. So much seen by those that were there near the end, on Hyneria, through the glimpses we have seen have been short, they were imminently powerful. These scenes too, hungry faces, unknowing, not having the ability to understand, there's something about that that makes it so much more tragic when fate is cruel, at least when there is some understanding, there is something. Small, trusting, hopeful, confused faces, imagery is so vivid within this chapter. The title is so apt for both of these chapters. without this...I am nothing. Hard-hitting and again, with her words, there is belief. Miracles can happen through sheer determination and as above, a parent for a child will find herculean will. Zoe is a force, we know this already, to hear her words makes the worry ebb, not completely, but further than thought possible a few chapters ago. Excellent continuance. The world outside takes second place once again tonight.
I felt the flow of her sentiment and decided not to get in the way. :-D
A jewel of a comment. I really should frame some of these. As always, thank you Sweetest. You make the story worth the writing. :-)
sometimes our fears are larger than reality...
Mona, this is what scares me.
Oh I understand the struggle. It is LOSS. Knowing what she will miss.
And then to her "Do you understand?... Yes.
To have such stong emotions met with such simple sincerity. Though a positive answer, it is so final.
Jen, to be able to read with another's eyes and heart. As I've said to Autumn many times, I envy the ability to read this story, which, having written it, eludes me. Thank you for reading. And commenting. :-D
The AMAZING thing is that you are able to write it without understanding that feeling. I've often thought that even though it hurts like blue blazes, it is a shame that a man cannot experience the feeling of life growing within his body. Maybe that is why God made the male sex drive so strong... they feel that urgency to CREATE life since they do not get the honor of feeling life grow.
You really are an awesome writer.
Jen, I think the feeling comes from having been separated from my son at a very young age, of knowing the pain of that separation, a pain I still experience with each visit and each return. Without that experience, I'm not sure I could write the way I write.
Oh shoot Tree. I am so sorry.
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