Before the attack, Von sat with Zoe. She asked about Ceru's mother, a subject, she said, his son had had not much to say. Von smiled with closed lips and answered her questions with polite discretion noting that nothing he told her was false; nor was it true. Returning to his quarters, he picked up his journal:
a question not asked
a note not written
a look given and not
a date let slip
an idea not shared
a tear not shed
from a dull heart
an effort not made
an interest not shown
a hug half-hearted
words in place of silence
and silence when words were needed
home a prison
and work an escape
meals together are eaten alone
no arguments
no fights
no ugliness
just a drifting, slowly, away
politeness replaces passion
comfort in a cold glass
smiles exchanged for unconscious sighs
dancing seems absurd
touches become as birds in winter
and kisses rare as diamonds
and one day, you wake to a stranger
and what had been living . . .
22 comments:
Words that could only be written by someone with experience and which can only be fully understood by someone who has lived them.
Excellent!
The facts stated, simple, stripped bare, honest in a what is, is, no great emotion expressed, no extended specifications, no blame and for it's straightforwardness it imprints itself, for it's mildness, it thrusts forward the sadness of the situation. A longer period of time where things change gradually, like a long-term illness the passing is gradual, the suffering prolonged, the stages observed and present. The way you have written this is wonderful, aching to read, imagining what it felt like to be there, to watch the other, to watch oneself, grasping and at the same time knowing that the process is unstoppable, that there must have been a point long passed, not realized at the time, when things could have gone another way, but those small seemingly insignificant events that went unnoticed made all the difference and set a path impossible to vie away from. Those events, a question not asked, a hug half-hearted, silence and words, with your usual bird's eye route you have as you always do conveyed so much in what looks so little, pictures present, meaning is felt. Beautifully sad, and still as he is asked he holds it within making it all the more so, and knowing that Ceru reacted in a similar fashion. Blissful, despite the sadness and because of it, sigh, missed you these past couple of days. So glad to see a new chapter, to once again be filled from head to toe with your creation.
Thank you Miladysa.
Sweetest, this list could have been twice as long. I edited some of Von's musings and if I wasn't a bit under the weather I might have added quite a few more. Still, I think we get the point. :-D
This makes me SO sad.
The remembrance didn't exactly thrill Von either. ;-)
And to our knowledge he remained alone thereafter, given this post, the impression is for reasons of not wanting to take the chance that a new relationship might take the same south path, not wanting to experience something so tragic once again or be the reason someone else felt such sadness (career and fatherhood aside for a moment, which would likely have been if not a perhaps greater reason/circumstance) rather than bitterness (too harsh a word), rather than not desiring to have someone once again.. even more greatly tinged with sadness therefore.
In time we will learn that Von did everything he could. He loved her to this day. The drifting is a force beyond his ability to stop, which makes it all the more sad as one watches the inevitable, slowly, without any power to stop it.
That sounds like " Marriage"
Sorry that was me.
Here's what I meant to say:
I do not know enough about the background between the events to which this chapter refers, but I agree with Madame Storm in the sense that it was "aching to read."
But, in OH such a good way. Because I CONNECTED with it. I connected with it in a way that the opening sentence set off bells because people who do this:
nothing he told her was false; nor was it true
Drive me batty.
I know that Von did this in this given situation out of a place of pain.
But, for me it is a technique that is used only to put off dreaded, but much necessary, communication.
It brought so much to the character of Von for me, reading this.
Because different people do this for different reasons and I found this to be utterly intriguing.
I had a phrase in there twice and it looked icky and I'm anal.
... is now dead.
Very poignant!
Strumper, this is the first chapter that tells us about Von's marriage to Ceru's mother. Obviously, not the best. I wouldn't be too hard on Von. He loved her dearly, she just couldn't return the love. So, he chose to tell Zoe about the good things, putting her in the best possible light and seeing no real reason to drag her through the mud, at least in this first broaching of the conversation. I think we will learn more in time. And I think Von will be more forthcoming, but the journal reflects the pain he suffered watching someone he loved drift away and not being able to stop the drifting.
Thank you W. :-)
Oh, NOoooo! I LOVED this chapter.
Those words hit me in a place that just rang something up, that's all.
Cos it's true. People do that.
For different reasons.
I understand where Von's pain comes from.
I do.
I really, really do.
That's why this chapter hits so hard.
It was painful to read, because it was AMAZINGLY close to home in some respects.
Thanks for the clarification though, cos it helps, and makes things hit home even more.
I look forward to finding our more about this part of the Story.
xo
Strumper, in this piece, I had originally written "from a crying heart" rather than "from a dull heart." Neither say exactly what I wanted to convey, which was of a heart crying within, in pain, but the pain is so dull, so low-key, tears evaporate before they rise to the surface of the eye. Does that make any sense? Think of a heart that longs for a passion it has long since forgotten and the fear is, it won't remember. It is that heart that aches, that heart that cries the tearless tears. I'll stop here before I utter more non-intelligible nonsense. :-D
Again, the comments. To read a chapter and spend days re-reading the comments and watching the story become fuller because of the interaction between author and reader. Wow! You may hate this analogy, but it is Biblical in a way. I read the book God left, read the words, but my interaction, through prayer, makes His story/words fuller. ALIVE. This is an amazing concept that you have put into play, Tree. It's a bright spot in my life to be a small part of it.
Jen
Jen, one of the reasons I don't recommend going back to the beginning of the story for newcomers is one would not only have to read the story but also all the comments to really grasp all that is happening, not to mention listening to hours of audio and video commentary. The Story is a living story and the comments, shedding light, reader participation, adding detail and insight, all make this very unlike a book and more like a campfire story. As always, your kind words are very appreciated.
LOVE THAT! Campfire story!!!! Cozy, a warm glow shining on faces around a ring. Poking at a fire, playing in the embers, dark forest all about, fellowship, laughter, and stories, sometimes spooky, sometimes funny, close to the fire.
You say two words and I imagine volumes!! :^D
Finding this was a balm to my sore throat and sniff-y nose. Jen
Oh, Tree....
It's SO NOT unintelligible.
That is to say....
I understand every word.
As I said, this stuff hits home for me.
In so many ways.
On so many levels.
And I thank you for the further explanation, as it brings feeling from my own crying heart--with dulled-pain--to a remembering place, where I identify with things going on here even more thoroughly with each and every utterance you make.
:-D :-D :-D
Now where's those marshmallows?
As I am getting really excited about this campfire.
Jen, this story wouldn't exist without reader comments and engagement. I love the interaction, the participation, the exploration. Many times, a reader will show me sides of this story I don't see, bring a depth to what is happening that I am too close to recognize. The Story, in many ways, is a conversation, a sharing, give and take, a way to communicate with others all over the world. The chapters themselves only come alive in the minds of others and the lively comments we dance with here. Thank you for dancing.
The Story and the comments are also a daily lesson for me--I have learned first hand and repeatedly the power of a kind word and for that I will be eternally grateful. :-)
Strumper, you know what I like about campfires? Let me list them:
Shadows
Warm Light
Sweaters
Smiles
Cold Beer
Blue Jeans, old
The Crackle of dry wood
The dance of fire
Flannel sleeping bags
Warm bodies
Full Bellies
Shoulder massages
Full ice chest
Owls as chimes
A Bazillion stars
The Milky Way
Pissing behind a tree
and the cool air on The Agent
Should I go on? :-D
Yes, you should.
You had me completely entranced and then I was...what's The Agent?
~slight pause as a dawn of realization comes over Strumpet~
Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After I wrote that question out....
I just realized what The Agent was.
Ha, ha, ha!!
And now that I know....
...I want you to go on even more.
=P
Mmmm....owls...
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