Kyra Journal Entry:
In a few hours we will be docking and I've been told our arrival is anticipated, or at least John's is. Seems another lifetime when we set out on this mission. High hopes. Another Hynerian vessel. Full of righteousness I was, but even that is, perhaps, another illusion. Emotion flowed. How could it not. I saw it, felt it. I'm not an idiot. I just chose to ignore it, justify it, rationalize it. Not really a hard thing to do. And in the exchange, we lost Bravo, almost lost our lives, twice, put Rog and John in difficulty, all but abandoned Yul--and never saw the other vessel. I would do it all over again if given half the chance. That is as honest as I can be. Why it disturbs me so, I cannot tell.
I sit in the captain's chair. Everyone else is asleep, the ship on auto as we slip silently through the blackness toward two points of light, toward John's home, not ours. If I listen very intently, I can hear a slight hum with only starlight illuminating the bridge, giving my skin a soft bluish cast, which is about how I feel; cold. Cold of heart, not of limb. Cold of mind. Still, I long for quiet and I long for peace and I know these things come from within, not without. I am weary of searching. Weary of the burden. Weary of no place to call home. Weary of judgments not asked and of answers not given. I miss Kieran. I wonder if he misses me. I miss the beaches of Valla. I miss Bravo. I miss being more certain of who and what I am.
So nice to be self-indulgent. I wonder what The Unknowns would think of that. I would like to say I've been thinking about Yul and all she has had to suffer. I have not. I will see her soon. We've been told she is doing well. I will say all the right things. And she will know; and I will ask for her forgiveness--or is it understanding--as I tell her I would make the same choices, that I would again leave for the bird and abandon the bush; and I wonder what part of my heart is capable of such coldness. Not exactly the behavior of the chosen one, but I never asked for that appellation. I'm sorry Papa. I wish I could be more than I am. I wish I could be all you dreamed I would be. I wish I could stand in the room of mirrors and see what they would say now.
Abandoned. Why do we do it. We profess love and we do otherwise. John abandoned Cait, not to mention Ariel. Perhaps harsh, but he has no dog in our fight, no reason to do what he did and risk what he risked. I should be grateful. I'm not. We abandoned Yul. We left knowing we might not ever see her again, that the chances were good that was the case. Still, we did it. We left her to die, virtually alone. We did that. And my heart tells me I would do it again. The thought makes me heavy as if a lump of lead sits in my chest. There is fog at the end of the plank. I cannot see.
Actually, I do see. I see that place in my heart that will not heal, that I have kept locked away with the chains of repression and denial. That place that asks why. That place that wants to lash out. That place the cries out for a father and a mother. That place that wonders why they made the choices they did. That place that Papa could never reach. He tried. He tried with all his might. He knew it was there. But even Papa had his limits. So I sit here and I feel an energy within me. A dark, heavy, burdensome energy. I feel tired without being tired. My soul aches at the dirty untidiness of expectation. To be touched with unLove. It leaves a mark, a stain. And it colors everything I do.
38 comments:
A heartfelt toast to my readers who have carried me and this story to 300 posts. I do not have the words to say how much your love, support and encouragement have meant to me over the last eighteen months. Thank you.
Wooohooo! Congratulations on the 300th post and a toast to the next 300. :-) Each and every one has been a pleasure, even when they were scary/sad/confusing/etc, to, they were still that, a great pleasure. Thank you for the story thus far. :-)
Cooking, comment in a bit. That colour blue is intensely beautiful - reminds me somewhat of the mirror in the story of Snowwhite, as though something were hiding inside the blacker part of it. I'll be back, happy day in the mean time.
Even for us it does seem like so very long ago, that Kyra, Em and Von set out on this mission, so much has happened since then. I think, I said as much yesterday or the day before, having them split and in different locatins these past couple of weeks has somehow given us less time with each of them respectively and I've missed characters such as Yul although she has featured. As has Rog, but we have not seen them together, and so it feels as though certain aspects of the story have been in limbo, that we have been waiting for so long to see what happens next. This story breeds patience, :-), and it has that ability for it is always so very worth the wait.
Both Rog and John, in each their way, must be wrestling with two opposing emotions as they make their way back to the City of Hope. As for Kyra, there is more here between the words than those actually written. Wonderful too how the pauses are almost audible. :-) Just as with Em in her letters to her father, we see a side of Kyra I suspect she wouldn't show anyone other than herself, and if she did it would be a rare occurance. A side that she, not represses as such, but that has only temporarily surfaced and should she be questioned, she would I think, approach her answer with quite a different frame of mind. She says it here, that she would not have done things any differently. This could be read in two ways, as an extension of the tone she has set for this journal entry, or, and this would be a representation of Kyra's spirit as she generally is, as not just a fact but one that she is glad of and believes in.
We all have doubts, and she has been through a trying time, not just over the last weeks, but over the last year plus. Though perhaps still weary, missing Kieran, wondering how far she lives up to Papa's expectations of her, and all, tomorrow's journal entry would likely sound quite different.
These entries (and letters), private thoughts, put us right into the mind of those who are writing them and for that reason, they allow us closer to the character, but at the same time, it's clear, as it should be, that they reflect only what the hynerian is thinking and feeling at that time, or is but a small part of the greater whole.
There really was no other choice, at least not one that could be taken, as to whether Kyra should try to reach this other ship. In order to do so, however, she did have to leave Yul (and indirectly be the cause of Von, Em and Rog leaving Yul) and since nothing was achieved in regards to this objective, the end does not justify the risks taken nor the consequences that will have to be faced (or worse still that could have had to have been faced). Though each of them, Em, Von, Rog, John made their own decisions, the burden of what if, what if the three of them had died on Bravo, what if Rog and John had in their rescue attempt, what if Yul had while they were all away, for her, she, the one in command, the one in ultimately responsible for getting them to a new home safe and sound, and together. Already Kieran has been lost. Regardless of how justifiable, or natural(characteristic) rather, her choice was, in her own view, in other people's, the fact remains there could have been some serious repurcussions. Such a grave thing to have to weigh up, and she being the one in charge, in the captain's seat so to speak, it was down to her, and she didn't and isn't looking to anyone else for justification, or to shoulder the burden, the responsibility. She is in charge. No matter the outcome, she would have done the same and finding complete peace with that must be near impossible. And why she questions her heart, her love.
The last couple of days, the events in the compound etc, it's no wonder she doesn't feel sure of who she is. I imagine what that must be like, for everything to change in a split second, to come out the other side of a situation having in it been someone one does not recognize. Change happens all the time, in subtle ways, major events change us noticably, but this has more a sense of her coming, though not completely yet, into her own. Must be daunting to look into the metaphorical mirror and realize there were parts that one hadn't seen. And she is not done yet, and she knows it, knows there is more that she still hasn't seen yet.
That last passage is agonizing, to hear her express herself that there is a deep sadness locked inside at her parents pursuit of what they wanted to do though it meant leaving her behind (in simple terms), that parallels in her own mind her decision to launch Bravo in pursuit of the unknown Hynerian ship. Questions no doubt asked how they could claim to love her, when they were willing to leave her. Questions about how they were able, so it seemed, to put their work above their daughter. Feelings of abondonment, of being weighed up and loosing out. Just as Yul lost out (and Cait). Those feelings, the pain of them, never went away, so it seems by those last words, it is a part of her, a factor in what made her who she is. To say that she feels she does not measure up, would be wrong, though she does speak of this herself in relation to being whom Papa believed she could be, but not being enough (again, so to speak) then, as said stayed with her, affecting her thoughts, her behaviour, her relationships, everything. Again, why it is so hard for her to live easily with recent decisions, with leaving Yul behind, with her part in potentially depriving people she cares about of one another, for a time, and what could have been forever. Makes her feel cold. ..I'm babbling away here, just flittering around within your chapter (too much time spent stirring:)(and one of my most blissful pasttimes:), which, and I do so like to use this as my best indication, :-D, just shows what a marvellous installment I thought this was. Perfect for 300 - just Kyra - the ties back to Papa, the present, and the future.
Sunshine, that was a comment for the keeping. I think I enjoyed your view and insights more than the chapter and believe me, it touches my heart like you wouldn't believe to see you so engaged in the story.
These journal entries are in a class by themselves. I only write them when I feel the character needs to step back and reflect, without filters, what they are feeling. We have known for over eighteen months that Kyra's parents all but abandoned her. They have only been mentioned once or twice and only in passing. Yet, we must have known this day was coming, the day when she would express an opinion, a day when we would know she has bled, a day that shows us, that although she may be gifted, she still hurts, and doubts, and wonders, and questions. A journal entry like this, in my opinion, puts a whole new color on all those Papa/Kyra chapters. I almost want to say it gives them a depth that was not there before, because now we know, that just under the surface, both Papa and Kyra were aware. I wouldn't be surprised if at some time in the future we see a Papa/Kyra conversation along these lines.
I do appreciate you pointing out that a journal entry, the writings within a private diary, are just that. Perhaps they give us insight into the character and then again, perhaps the just give us a momentary look at someone's private thoughts and those thoughts change like the weather. I'll be back to add more commentary in a bit.
:-)
Eyes half closed already, I'm just leaving you with nods for now at the following, in agreement and in hopeful anticipation.
A journal entry like this, in my opinion, puts a whole new color on all those Papa/Kyra chapters. I almost want to say it gives them a depth that was not there before, because now we know, that just under the surface, both Papa and Kyra were aware. I wouldn't be surprised if at some time in the future we see a Papa/Kyra conversation along these lines.
Hope you have a wonderful evening, love and hugs to you, x
Even without knowing the full back story, this chapter tugged at my heartstrings. Kyra's unrest, her uncertainty, her questioning of her own motives, her pain -- it all feels very real.
It's a beautiful piece of writing.
Sunshine, also keep in mind, to put this journal entry into context, Kyra has just been through three major events.
(1) She took the red pill and thought her life was over--as well as Von and Em.
(2) She has the blood of hundreds on her hands
(3) She has experienced The Unknowns and we know so little of what really happened, although we know some of the unpleasantness.
Now, any one of those events could have caused the muck in the bottom of her consciousness to rise, but when we see all three, and see them happen so closely together in time, well, the effect on her psyche is exponential. That she is still sane is in its own right, quite remarkable.
S, thank you for those kind words. This is one of those chapters that I almost don't publish, for two reasons.
(1) I don't really try to write when I do a journal entry. I pay no attention to language or flow or diction. I just let the character write as if they are writing it for me. So, many times, the thought flow is not logical or elegant or concise or even makes sense or maintains consistency. So in that regard, I hesitate to publish.
(2) When I do a journal entry like this, I just let the character think and bare and what comes out is not always pretty or nice. Sometimes, like this time, the view into Kyra is very different from what we think we know or expect about or from her. I know these doubts are there in her mind. I just wonder if exposing them to the reader is a good idea.
Having said all that, I do appreciate your comments very, very much and they make me feel much better about letting her private journal fall into the public domain.
Absolutely, three life-changing events and seldom has the proverb been more true than now, that which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. Not quite yet, has she come through to the other side, but she will, and it will ring true. Acknowledging this in itself should make her realize, she is not quite as short of the mark that Papa set for her as she believes in the midst of her present doubts.
Much as she was loved by her grandparents, as you wrote, (largely) unspoken has always been the absense of her parents. I'm floating away on the idea of a chapter where Papa and Kyra have a heart to heart about this, high emotion, things never said before or after, just at the threshold here of imagining what you could do with such a storyline (if you knew how excited I get:) - hope we see it one day, and if not, it remains unspoken and there, that works too, works wonders for how we see and feel about Kyra.
ooh, ooh, ooh!
Have I ever told you how much I love this story? Well, I do, a whole big bunch.
:-D
Sweet dreaming, xo
In regards to flow, it works perfectly for what this is, they become as I wrote, pauses, pauses that would occur when someone is noting down their thoughts in this way. There would be no thought to how it sounds, just an honest step-by-step set of revelations, thoughts. That said, the thread (of flow, of connection) that began at CC (at least to someone reading as they come) remains flawless.
Congratulations! Wow, 300 posts! You keep us enthralled on a daily basis. Thank you Trée.
Man, this is powerful stuff! I don't know how you keep doing it, but its awesome. Please keep on doing it! Looking forward to the next 300 posts.
Thank you Jenni. Not really sure how I do it either. Sometimes I know where the story is going but many times after I write a chapter my mind is blank and I wonder if and when the next idea will presents itself. So far, it always has. Keep your fingers crossed. ;-)
Thanks Deb. I've enjoyed The Story more than I ever imagined and I've enjoyed equally getting to know you and everyone else that has so graciously spent time here. Your comments over the last couple years have been very much appreciated. :-)
Sunshine, there is one other thing brothering Kyra and it's been there since Kieran died but I don't believe I've ever really given voice to it. For lack of a better way to say it, it is one thing to be king of the world, but quite another to be king of the last seven of your species--which, I suppose is why she got so excited about the other Hynerian ship.
In other words, she has a case of the "what does it really matter anyway." There is also the heaviness of being mate-less, which, as we have seen, is also weighing on Em. John is not helping in this regard, which I think is part of the reason, in the moment of journaling, she takes such a harsh view of his actions. He reminds her of all she doesn't have. And the fact that he does have it, or so it seems, only further aggravates her. Imagine if your only prospect for a mate was an alien. John and his like are aliens to the Hynerians. They may look similar (unlike Dr X, Taren, The Voice, Calfuray, etc.) but they're not. Having a child with an alien, assuming that is even possible, is a bit of a terrifying thought, so even if she found a "John" among them, that doesn't necessarily solve all her problems. So, she slips into the "what does it really matter" mode.
As for Papa and that conversation, not sure if we will see (probably but not anytime soon) but I have a feeling he did as good a job as possible. :-)
As always Sweetest, your engaged comments thrill me to no end. Love and hugs and kisses. :-)
This is my first time here and the first of your posts to read. It was a very fine piece of writing that included so much depth. I was caught, especially, by the last paragraph and found myself hoping that eventually this particular character will free themselves forever of the "why" and simply embrace the joy of being.
LOVE the art as well. Very cool new find for me today. Thanks for sharing
Grace, thanks for the very kind words. Always a pleasure for me to see someone new stop by and I do, as you can probably tell, love comments.
Kyra is the main character in the story and my personal favorite. I have a feeling things are going to work out well.
Hope to see you around again. Thanks for stopping by Grace. :-)
Tree! This one made me cry! it is like you speak my heart & mind...
something I have no words to express...you express them so clearly...I can identify!
Thanks for helping me open the floodgates...
Mona, I hope it was a good cry, a cry that released, a cry that cleansed, a cry like a spring rain. You are very kind to me and I do appreciate it very much. Thank you Mona. :-)
if ur COLD come ova to my place with a mask ;-)
Keshi.
unLove..
do you think it exists?
what is Love anyway? we humans have dissected it into so many different types..pragma, ludos, eros, there's even a maniacal love... are they really necessary? maybe all love is love :)
but unLove.. it seems so 'Cold'.. distant..
Agreeing with Storm, blue is beautiful..one of the most beautiful colors around. :)
and 300 posts? this is really a calling to turn it into a book.. :)
Keshi, looking in my closet for that mask. Be over as soon as I find it. Do I need anything else? :-)
Meg, unLove does exist. Most people call it indifference. Mother Theresa speaks as well as anyone on the subject.
As for love and its many forms, I would defer to Mother Theresa again in the general. In the specific of this story, Love is the Great Universal Flow. ;-)
Meg, 300 posts make a great blog story, but I'm afraid what I do here would not translate into book form. Besides, why would you want to pay for something that is available free now? :-)
Always good to see you stopping by Meg. :-)
The thought behind the many comments that this is worthy of publishing (at least, when I have said as much) has mostly to do with considering those not given the opportunity to read The Story to be losing out on something special. People come here mostly by chance, to speak of publishing is to make it available to a wider audience. That said, as you've said and we've agreed upon, The Story is an on-going saga (with interaction being a large part of it and your enjoyment in the process of posting, commenting etc not inciting any need to elaborate upon that experience) and nobody wants it to end, ever!, so that goes against the whole publishing idea also. Unless of course, you published a series of books. ;-)
Morning, Poppet, sending love and hugs on this Thursday morning in June.
Afternoon Sunshine. I do appreciate very much every time someone mentions the idea of publishing the story. Those are very kind thoughts and are always nice to hear. Although one never says never, I have no thoughts of publishing for all the reasons I've mentioned many times before. ;-)
As to the wider audience argument--perhaps. I know how many people come here, read a chapter, say they love it, and I never see them again. So, although I love the story and a handful of readers love it too, I really have my doubts that there is a wider audience that would really want to read what I have written. I'm not fishing for a counter argument and I am not discounting that the story is worth reading--heck, I'm the one that keeps writing it--I'm just not sure that what I write and how I write has a wider audience.
Hope you are having a wonderful day filled with peace and joy and love. :-)
& in all my crying...I forgot to mention...That is a beautiful fractal art! Iloved the golden chip too! :)
Thank you Mona. I always appreciate feedback on the images since they are a creative endeavor in and of themselves. Many times they get lost in the story so thanks for noticing. :-)
Tree... damn I wish I could figure out how to put the little thingy above your name so I stop calling you a tree...ha!
Anyways, the point:
Need more on the unlove thing. Write baby write!
Kelly, seems every keyboard is a little different on international characters. Just do what I do when I can't figure it out: Tre'e
So nice to see you comment. You know I've been working hard to get you to stop by. ;-)
As for unLove, tis such a dark subject I have to be in the mood to even want to write about it, but it you keep calling baby, well, I could be persuaded. Just be careful what you ask for. :-D
Hiya Tree, SaffronSaris turns 2 tomorrow, you're cordially invited over for cakes :)
Saffy, I will be there, with bells on. :-)
Hey you! How are you?
Hey Linny, I'm cold and in need of a kiss. Drop me an email and I'll show you what kind of kiss I need. :-D
and a cape? :)
Keshi.
Yes, and a cape too. :-)
That is a great fractal. I love what Autumn said, "reminds me somewhat of the mirror in the story of Snowwhite, as though something were hiding inside the blacker part of it." After reading this chapter, it looked even more this way.
To me, it seemed as if the something that was hiding in the blacker part of it was the nagging, painful, tormenting question of why her parents abandoned her--what possibly could have been a greater priority to them than she was? And the need. The aching need for it to have been something of truly great importance so that she could know that her worth to them was not something to question. That they did really love her, love her, love her after all.
Does she wonder, somewhat bitterly, if she is like her parents, having made the choices that she did, such as abandoning Yul and risking lives knowing full well that this was exactly what she was doing.
You mentioned unLove. It made me think of the times I have experienced unLove in my life. It is real and you called it exactly what it is: indifference.
Sometimes I believe that indifference is more horrible than hatred. You have to have some significance to the person in order to receive their hatred--to receive indifference means you have no significance whatsoever, you do not matter, you do not even have the worth for someone to feel hatred for you. I am sure I did not word that right at all. But these things do leave a deep ache.
I use a quote on my blog by George Bernard Shaw: "The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essence of inhumanity."
What a great chapter you wrote. Kyra in the raw. Real. You sure do have a gift for making these characters real. I feel as if I know them...and love them all.
Smooches to you, dear Manly Man, AKA, Sweet Trée. ;)
I forgot to mention how powerful this statement was: "To be touched with unLove. It leaves a mark, a stain. And it colors everything I do."
How very true.
Oliviah, you have hit the nail on the head. First, I agree 100% with what you said about indifference being the opposite of love, not hate, for exactly the reasons you stated. Hate and love are not all that far apart. Indifference is and, I believe, indifference cuts the heart in ways hatred doesn't.
Second, Kyra does fear that her own behavior is mirroring her parents, which is to say, that she abandoned "family" in the pursuit of a "higher goal." Both her parents were marine biologists, and with the change in climate and the catastrophic consequences that ultimately resulted, they chose to pursuit "work" over Kyra. As far as we know, there was not another reason, although the story has not gone there yet, so there may be more to the story than we know, more than Kyra knows or knew growing up. There is always a chance that Papa "confessed" something to her on the dock or left a message for her buried in The Folio. Time will tell--maybe. ;-)
I have experienced, like almost all of us, unLove. It does leave a stain. It does color all that we do. Awareness of the mark is the first step in moving past it, of learning from it, of letting it go. Kyra has this awareness. But as this journal entry indicates, she has not completely let it go.
My Dear Beautiful Soul, thank you so much for such a kind and wonderful comments. Hugs to you my dear sweet woman. :-)
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