Rog and Yul walked from store to store, hand in hand. The City of Hope had almost anything one could want. John had given them a credit slate with more value than they could spend in a year, and, John had laughed, spend that and I'll give you two more; and so they walked and they looked and Yul’s excitement grew dimmer by the hour.
“We can buy anything we want. What do you think?” asked Rog, trying to lift her mood with his own. Yul was unusually quiet. She looked lost. “What’s wrong baby? What did I say?”
“You know what shopping is?” asked Yul, tears filling her big eyes.
Rog pulled her in tight. “I don’t know baby, tell me.”
“It’s a future.”
Rog pulled her tighter, not sure what to say to that.
“Look around. See all these people? Look at their faces, their eyes. They have a future. I saw it in my grandmother.”
“What did you see baby?”
“When she was near the end, she lost all desire to go shopping. My mother couldn’t pull her out of the house or interest her in anything. She just didn’t care anymore. Material things mattered not the least to her and you know what? She was never that way.”
“Baby, don’t talk that way. You have a future. We have a future.”
Yul shook her head. “You don’t understand.”
“Then tell me. Help me understand. Make me understand.”
“I don’t feel it. Or perhaps I do. I do feel the emptiness. I feel it like an endless gray day. Nothing but gray, everywhere I look. There's just nothing there.”
“Baby, I’ve told you, we are going to beat this thing.”
“It’s not just that," said Yul, her voice trailing away as her eyes looked down and to the right. Her shoulders drooping with the lifelessness of a puppet put away.
Rog was starting to get exasperated. “Then what is it?” A tone rising in his voice he quickly regretted.
Yul either didn't hear or didn't care. “Don’t you feel it? Our life. What is it Rog? Is this home? Are we going to stay here? And if not here, where? Bravo? Is that our home? Look at all this stuff. Do you really want any of it?” queried Yul, her eyes boring a hole right through Rog.
“Well, . . .”
Yul stomped off. “Call me when you get it.”
Rog stood as a boulder in a sea of people as Yul disappeared in the crowd. “Damn, what the hell was that?”
Categories: Story, Rog, Yul
16 comments:
Oh my - think of the biggest, most spectacular word you can find and it wouldn't come close to how much I love this chapter.
You've done what you do best, or as well as the other things that you do best :-), and in what is really a very simple setting, a simple action to take, shopping, you have created a whirlpool of emotion, of meaning, of questions and even of answers. An act of shopping, a few words, a mere suggestion and it's reach is immersed within and I have to say, this is one that I will remember at the forefront. :-)
The writing is superb as always, the intimacy - that crowded street a metaphor one could say for the exposure that they have here, with us, yet it is never lost, we get a look in, a glimpse, a feel for the situation and nothing more. To me, this chapter is genius, and it is indicative of why you have been able to maintain a wide readership for 15 months and will continue to do so.
I loved it, plain loved it, to the moon and back.
Oh my, now do I respond to such heartwarming words? I suppose this is why I love you to pieces. :-)
Okay, here is where this chapter (and one more to be written called "Connections") came/come from:
I went to the doctor today. What should have been a quick in and out ended up with a visit to the hospital for a CT scan (I'm just fine so don't worry). Well, sitting in the hospital for a couple of hours, of having needles stuck in me, getting undressed and put on the rack for scanning, well, it just kinda gives you time to think, to reflect. The "Connections" chapter, which I haven't written yet and I think will happen between Kyra and Von or Emy or all three, well, that chapter comes from the time in the hospital today, just sitting and watching and waiting.
Later, in prep for my trip, I went to the mall in search of a gift for my trip--gift to me by the way :-D
Anyway, the store didn't have what I was looking for so as I'm walking through the mall I find I'm looking at all the "stuff" and it occurs to me I don't want any of it. And as I look at others who are shopping and I see that they do want it, it occurs to me they are paying money to own the object, to bring it home and they are willing to do this because they want "the future" they feel this object gives them by owning it. They want that future, even if it is just a magazine that will be read that night and tossed away in the morning.
The feeling was very similar to how I felt when my dad passed away. I wanted nothing at the time. Material things were meaningless. I felt that sense of emptiness tonight so I came home and felt Yul, with what she is facing, was the best one to carry those feeling into the story.
Now, what is interesting, once I write "Connections" you will see the two ideas are very similar, and I like the sense of parallel we will see with the crew, apart, but thinking and feeling and experiencing the same.
As always my dearest sweetest one of all, Poppet and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts. :-D
Some would say true happiness comes from not holding on to anything, from being able to say goodbye, from not missing anything. From not wanting anything, from just accepting what comes our way.
I thought too of time, of how we spend it and of how much of it is really ours.
And I thought of seeing, of perception, and I thought of why it is that I knew I could find something special and would continue to do so within minutes of visiting the first time.
Your talent for expression is so great, all I ever do is feel like a bumbling fool when I visit here or reply to one of your comments, and I feel that way just now especially, for I feel almost overwhelmed, flooded, by the sheer beauty of the soul that took those experiences and this, the thoughts first, the chapter second, is what came of it.
Coming after a chapter such as this, such a wonderful comment, has me swirling in all I want to say about it, hence it may end without any real point, but,
The ownership, the expectation and the view that you have of it, well, that was just deeply touching. Best way I can tell you what I mean is perhaps by telling you how I view certain things myself, the things that one could desire, and I do so with the thought that nothing is guaranteed, that at any moment life could give us a kick up the jacksey and so one has to be very clear about the things that matter and one is fortunate if one realizes that there really are very few things that do. Which was not precisely what I was going to say.
Really the thoughts are simple, at the base of it all would be the fact that we cannot take with us anything from this world, and that is not a new idea, far from it, most of us realize this, but from that and to turning that idea into this amazing chapter, well, my hat off to you, sweetie, really, you are amazing. Amazing in how you perceive, amazing in how you relate, and amazing in how you put it back out there so to speak.
More later, x
Very deep (deep is good). I'm relieved that you are OK, despite having to do an impression of a pin cushion (ouch).
Thank you Jenni. Just got a call from the doctor telling me the CT scan is perfectly normal. Blood work will be back shortly, but I do not expect it to be anything other than normal too.
I never really thought about it, but I suppose this short little chapter does have a bit of depth to it. I'll have to think about that. When I think of these things, I don't usually think anything but this is how I think most all the time so I don't tend to label it as such. I am relieved that deep is good. :-D
Sweetest, your comment, again, touches my heart in ways I can't explain. A thing is what it is, yet, still, if we move to the left or to the right, that same thing looks and feels--often--differently. There really is nothing new under the sun, as they say, only new ways of looking, new ways of seeing, new ways of comprehending. I do like to try and see from different angles and perhaps as I age, I have a better grasp on this than before.
[Before I forget, let me say this--just one of those thoughts that occurs to me as I'm typing. When I was young I wanted to be around people that were older than me and the older the better. I just wanted to soak up their maturity and wisdom from the experiences of their years. You know what I learned? There was very little correlation between age and wisdom or age and maturity. I was 19 or 20 when this really hit me. Ever since, in the back of my mind is the idea and desire to not let that happen to me, to continue to grow and expand and question and be open and to learn such that in any five year period, if I look back, I feel more at peace, more in love, broader in my perspective, sharper in my skillset(s). Okay, random thought over. :-)]
All I know to say is this: If my chapters mean something to you, then by the law of relationship, they mean something even more to me. That is your gift to me Sweetest. You affirm me, if I may be so bold as to summarize in three words. And although we may search far and wide, high and low, and we may find many other treasures on the path of life, finding affirmation--sincere, true affirmation--is one of the crown jewels. And that is how much you mean to me.
Great Chapter Tree, this...
“You know what shopping is?” asked Yul, tears filling her big eyes.
Rog pulled her in tight. “I don’t know baby, tell me.”
“It’s a future.”
that was powerful - I don't think you even realize how spot on that is.
This chapter moved me.
thanks, Meg
Thanks Meg. You know what is funny? Reading your excerpt of the chapter seems much more powerful than when I wrote it or even read it in the context of the whole. I'll have to think on that one. I don't know why, but seeing oneself quote is an interesting sensation--a good one--but interesting. Then again, it could just be I've spend the last seven hours traveling and my mind is mush. :-D
Good to see you stopping by and thanks for those very, very kind words. :-)
That comment is almost as amazing as the chapter. :-) Time ran as always, but I'll be back. Happy day ahead, x
you are amazing. Amazing in how you perceive, amazing in how you relate, and amazing in how you put it back out there so to speak.
........
Wow only She [Autumn]can express it so beautifully.
Hope you are in good health...the Scan bit worried me :(
Cheers
(*_*)
U
Thank you Uma. Autumn, now don't let her kid you, has a talent for expression that delights me to no end. :-)
All my tests have come back normal, which makes me very happy. Thanks for asking. :-)
I agree with all, this is very deep. The shopping analogy is perfect. The best writing comes from one's own experiences.
Stay well
Thanks Deb. I'm on business in Phoenix (about 9 days total) and I'm enjoying this incredible weather and such magnificent blue skies. What a great time of the year to be in Arizona. :-)
Do you know what I really hate? Not being able to keep up with each post. I love the feeling I have when I come here and I LOVE the way Rog talks to Yul; he makes my heart melt and believe that they can do anything as long as they're together.
I'd also LOVE to have a credit slate like that and to get two more if I spend it all.
I like the way she sees it as the future but sad that she doesn't feel she has one. With that man, she does. *drool*
Lots and lots of hugs and kisses for you and Jack to make up for my absence ;-)
Karen, I think Yul was having a moment, one of those when thoughts of the terminal disease she has overwhelms her. As far as she knows, she is dying with very little hope of surviving. This was one of those moments, looking at all the other happy faces and asking why they were so happy shopping that it just hit her. The connection between shopping and having a future, one she believes she doesn't have.
I do love your comments and her engagement of the story. Hugs from Jack and I. :-)
I near wrote that first paragraph of my comment again.
Unforgettable chapter this was. Love it just as much reading it today.
Post a Comment