“Hey Von, got a minute?” asked Kyra, poking her head into his open quarters.
Von looked over his silver reading glasses like a professor taking the measure of his response to a student’s silly question. “Would be my pleasure. Come on in.” (responding in his sonorous baritone)
Kyra entered on tiptoes, quiet as a patron arriving late for the opera, and Von returned to polishing his twin las pistol with strokes sharp and practiced. Moving cloth whip tight, his detail complete with the focus of a soldier consumed in contemplation of imminent battle. Kyra watched, absorbed in the mediation of his routine, of hand on metal, of mind in flow. Von’s breathing flowed with the steady ease of a light rain as his hands moved faster and faster, cloth transparent with blur as the mirror-like finish of his las seemed as polished as possible. Yet, still he polished and she understood the exercise was not for the polishing of metal as much as the polishing of mind.
Without taking her eyes off his aged hands Kyra gingerly broke the spell. “I just had an interesting conversation with Em.” Von continued to work, not looking up. “She never ceases to surprise me.” Von smiled. Kyra pulled her cheeks up as if to reveal words hidden. “She agrees with the others.” Kyra paused again. Von held his las up to the light aligning his sight with the shinning shaft of retribution as he liked to call his instrument of righteous reprieve. “She feels we are chasing ghosts, our own, that we are unnecessarily placing ourselves in harm’s way, or as she so poetically stated, sailing into the darkness of our own souls.”
Von looked up, thumb under chin and index finger tapping his dry pursed lips as if lost in thought before uttering, “Hmmm.” Then he returned to work.
“If this is not a good time I can come back later,” said Kyra, somewhat annoyed that Von seemed to be preoccupied.
“Now is as good a time as any. If you have a question Kyra, ask, and with what little wisdom remains in my itchy skull, I shall endeavor to answer.”
“Fair enough. Em also mentioned a feeling of soullessness and sterility, here in space. I have to admit Von, I feel it too, which only heightens my concern with regard to this mission. What was once clear is now cloudy. On the one hand I feel drawn to the signal and on the other, well, I can’t get the echo out of my head, an emptiness I suppose, that somehow there are more important things. My Janus Von, do you realize I chose this mission over Yul? Do you realize she may not be alive when we return? When Em threw out that soullessness bit, and I know she didn’t mean it the way I’m taking it, well, I just wonder if I haven’t lost my way, that I haven’t misplaced my priorities.” Kyra paused and looked down at the ground.
“Please continue,” said Von.
“Have I become a cold-hearted selfish bitch?” Before Von could answer she added, “Yul could be dying right now, right now Von, and all I gave her were words. I said all the right things. But, well, you know. There are words and there are actions and right now I’m feeling like a huge hypocrite. The mighty Kyra, always talking about love, about relationship. Do you understand what I am asking?”
“Well—“
“Because I don’t.”
“We may need some snoot for this one,” suggested Von.
“I’ve been telling myself I had no choice. As soon as I heard that tape, I told John the same thing. I had to go. Papa always told me not to make decisions in the firestorm of emotion. I did. And then, well, is it just stubborn pride that is blinding me, keeping me from seeing the bigger picture, from recognizing what it seems the rest of the crew already knows? I mean, when I asked Em why she was here, you know what she told me?” Kyra’s eyes began to water.
“What did she say?”
“She told me she was here for me, for love, but for me, even though she thought, like the others, I was wrong, she came because of relationship, her relationship with me, because she felt, she knew I was wrong and that I was going to need someone as soon as I discovered that fact. Can you believe that? You know, she tried to tell me she was here because of the wanderlust in her blood, but I know better. She is here, with me, because I’ve lost my way. Now you tell me, who should be leading this crew?”
“Can I say something?”
“I’m sorry Von. I feel like I’m answering my own questions and the truth is coming down on me like a house of cards. What did you want to say?”
“I think you’re being too hard on yourself.”
“How so?”
“I’ve heard the tape. And although it would be nice to be by Yul’s side, she is in the best hands available. We have a mission--a Hynerian vessel has sent a distress call.”
“They’re lost Von. You heard what John said. The signal is old and Trev did not dispute that point.”
“Let me ask you a question. Could John be wrong or that he let his desire for you to return with him cloud his judgment? Is it possible, their technology has simply got it wrong? And for Trev, the boy hardly knows how to shave much less interpret distress transmissions.”
“What are you saying Von?”
“Life is frailing gray. There is no right or wrong, no fault or blame in this situation. We must act on the best available information. I will say this. If you had stayed with Yul, had not followed up on this distress call, I can say without any doubt, the ghosts of which Em speaks would have haunted you till the day you die. We have a window to act, and we are acting as any Hynerian would. Simply put yourself in the shoes of that crew. Would you want a potential rescue party to assume you were lost? Or would you want them to make every possible effort, regardless of the odds, regardless of what some alien technology told them about your condition? And Kyra, if we find survivors,” Von smiled, “do you understand where I’m going with this?”
Kyra wiped her eyes. “I do Von. Thank you. I think I’ll have that snoot now.”
“Why not,” smiled Von.” He poured two glasses and handed one to Kyra. “Now as for the soullessness of space, I feel it too, but it has nothing to do with space.”
“Really,” said Kyra, taking a sip of the amber liqueur. “Pray tell then.”
“Connections, my dear. That feeling has everything to do with connections.”
Categories: Story, Kyra, Von
25 comments:
I'm moving hotels in the next ten minutes, so if you don't see me responding to comments, you'll know I'm without internet access.
As you might subsume, this is not the chapter called "Connections" that I wrote on the plane. When I woke up this morning, all this other stuff just popped into my head as if Kyra spoke to me in my sleep to say, there is more I need to say here. So, I let her talk and just sat back and it all just came out.
Enjoy, and try not to mess up the place too much while I'm gone. :-D
Amazing frankness...
about the Inspiration/lady seated next to you...
Oh how i would love to be childish and mess it up!
On a personal note...today some people severed their connections with me and the same word is being mentioned here a couple of times.
Soullessness of space has to do with connections?
would love to know more on that...
Good to know of healthy self :)
(*_*)
U
waiting for the chapter "connections"
Uma, I see no reason not to be completely honest about the inspiration for these chapters. I think part of the fun for me and the reader is to have that behind the scenes look at the creation process and the more you know about where a chapter came from, the more I think you can appreciate the chapter and perhaps get to know me a little more. As always, I do appreciate your kind words. :-)
So sorry to hear that others have decided to severe their online relationship with you. I won't ask for details since it is none of my business. I hope you know you will always have a home here.
Connections is next up to be transcribed from my notes to the blog. I hope you find it interesting. Just as a small precursor to wet your appetite, the "Connections" chapter was inspired by my short trip from my doctor to the hospital and the memories that brought forth when I had surgery on my elbow a few years ago after a nasty crash on my bike. In part, being in a "system" and in part having "strangers" fixing you up is where the basic idea for this next chapter springs.
Thanks as always for reading Uma. :-)
I think, I may be back for this one several times, even as I was reading, I had a dozen thoughts, I may not be able to remember long enough to list.
First up, I want a Von. Someone to go to, when doubts arise and who will remind me of what I already know, or at least make those things a little clearer. As I've said before, as amazing as Kyra is, someway, somehow, seeing her vulnerabilities whatever they may be, only makes her more so. Things are constantly changing, outside, inside, and so like the rest of us, when the forks are as clear as this one, having taken one, doubt will inevitably arise about whether it was the right one. (Sidenote, love, love, love the metaphors as per usual) Kyra's explanations are wonderfully written, it's very clear where she is coming from and how she came to where she is as she enters Von's quarters. With doubts rising to the surface, the seperation from the rest of the crew, leaving Yul behind knowing not what her fate will be echoes of leaving behind those she cared about on Hyneria, whose fate she still does not know what was. Twice she has severed connections (used that phrase by chance), gone on ahead towards the unknown leaving much of what she knows behind. This time she may be in search of fellow hynerians, but last time (still on-going of course) she was in search of a home, and there is a nice contradicton there of sorts that I guess contributes to those doubts about her own motives, or rather whether she is selfish or not.
Smart cookie, is our Kyra, and wonderfully perceptive, even when it comes to herself. To question her own decisions, one might say would be a sign of weakness, but it is actually a strength, the path to growth.
I do believe I said something at the time of that chapter, with the distess signal about decisions though seemingly being free are seldom so, and that often there really is only one option. Von said it best, when he spoke of ghosts and that the option of staying back, of ignoring the signal, of never knowing whether there was something (someone) to be found, would have been excrutiatingly difficult to contend with.
I have the beginnings, and as said may come back to it, but it occurs to me there are three corners to the circle of life so to speak, with 'connection' being one of them.
Searching for them she is in a sense, leaving home, developing relationships on board, Kieran passing, John, everyone, moving away as she moves towards, not being able to have the two meet and join, and I can only imagine the rootlessness that would induce.
Is she going back or is she going forward...
I'm coming back later, once I come up for air. ;-)
Story is great as usual. I have to say that the fractal accompanying it is simply amazing. Very well done indeed.
Thanks Jenni. This image was done using Liz's dragon eggs script with just a few minor tweaks. They take a long time to render but the script produces some beautiful fractals.
As always, thanks for the kind words on the story and the image. :-)
"Life is frailing gray. There is no right or wrong, no fault or blame in this situation."
This gave me smtg to ponder upon. But still i think in other situations there is a right and a wrong.. no?
Meg, I do believe in right and wrong. In this chapter, Von is using a rough version of situational ethics with the qualifier of "this situation," which is interesting since the Zing Tao, of which Von is a member, taught a very strong ethic of right and wrong. They also taught compassion, and part of what we see here is Von showing compassion for the dilemma Kyra is mentally placing herself in. Once again, for Kyra, she is allowing emotion to cloud her vision and she is unnecessarily painting her reality as a damn if I do damn if I don't. Von, with compassion, is trying to help her see, that in this situation, there was no overwhelmingly clear choice, although he certainly agrees with the choice she made.
In an earlier version of this chapter, I had dialogue whereby Von said he agreed with Kyra's decision and then said if he were conversing with the other crew members, he would have told them he agreed with them too. In short, Von is able to see it from both sides, understand their point of view, and know that neither is right and neither is wrong. So what does one do? Make the best decision based on the facts as known for the greater good. That two different choices could have been made by two different crew members and both could have been right and both could have been wrong only highlights the grayness of life I think.
Thanks for reading Meg and thanks for the great question. :-)
Sunshine, I have searched for a Papa or Von all my life. From time to time I've had someone who filled those shoes temporarily, but no one who had been in that role consistently. I suppose in part, that drives these two characters for me, that desire to have someone like that in my life.
As for Kyra, I have struggled and still struggle to show her as vulnerable, as not knowing all the answers, as someone willing and able to open up to others and admit she doesn't know it all. I like the view you have that this only makes her stronger in the eyes of everyone else rather than weaker and I think I will adopt that view. I do feel that the older Kyra, the one on earth now, would laugh at the notion that she had her act together, much like I think we would all smile when we think about how little we really knew when we were young (or even know now as the case may be). So, you see, there is another contribution you have made that shapes the story. You have given me what I needed to understand Kyra better and I like your understanding. :-)
So much of Bravo is leaving behind, whether it be a planet, a brother, a parent or grandparent, or a way of life, an ideal or a fellow crew member. Life on Bravo just keeps moving and changing and with change comes birth and death and acceptance and forgiveness. Each member of the crew, to one extent or another, faces these questions, of learning to cope, to adjust, to both grab onto and at the same time let go. I suppose in a way, the struggles they have is part of what attracts me so much to the crew and the life that has been forced upon them. I want them to show me, to teach me how they do these things. And, so far, I've not been disappointed. :-)
Coffee is on the way. Morning Sweetest. :-)
We are always going to learn most about people when we see them in unusual situations, and I guess, that is what this whole story is, an unusual situation.
Firstly, there is what I touched upon yesterday and what you mention here, the having said goodbye to all that was familiar. Not just people, but the Hyneria beneath their feet, the ground, the water, the trees, the beaches, the life of the planet they were on. My mind keeps drifting and has done many times throughout this story to what it must be like to be moving through space in this manner whilst confined within the same quarters with the same fixtures and the same people day after day, to be moving in some ways and still in others.
Another corner would be homecoming, direction, and here in relation to the crew I think of time, for they have much more of it than we do and I wonder if that is a relief or a burden, or both, alternately or simulaneously. I imagine standing before that window in her room, space in every sense would stretch ahead and that it would only contribute to that sense of rootlessness to have time stretched ahead too. A contradiction of sorts, I guess, but that is what I imagine. Time passes most slowly, when things happen to take note of, the days are remembered rather than flowing into one another.
Traveling towards home in the sense of the journey of life, they are travelling too in search of home having left it behind - it's almost metaphoric in that sense, at least if one believes in apart from life, coming from a place they belong, bumbling along as they travel, not sure of what will come along the way, and the difference would be, there is no certainty here that they will ever find it. One could imagine that would give rise to some contemplations too, travelling and not knowing whether the destination will ever be reached, doing so only in hope, not with knowledge.
And at the same time, we have what we saw through Emy's letters to her father. We've seen death, we've seen that there is that end, through Kieran and partly through Yul and been reminded, as they were, that though they see time and space stretched ahead, it may not be there on an individual level tomorrow, or even a general. Situations have arisen that have been procarious to say the least and that could have resulted in the end of all of them. So, they have been touched by death, and at the same time, they are without birth so to speak, travelling amongst the stars, away from the wind and the rain and the seasons and life in that basic sense at least.
The unusual situation is that the lives they lead hold none of what we need to take for granted to feel...struggling to think of a word that says what I want it too...rooted and purposeful and 'here'...grounded and safe and certain in the few things that we can be, or at least hope to be... None coming.
In any case, this is a great part of what appeals so about the story, why imagining these situations is such a learning experience so to speak, it gives us a route down which to travel where there is something to grab hold of.
I'll be back. :-D
I love this fractal. I see it as a bubble, an eye into a vision, even an impending cell division.
There needs to be a sense of belonging, I think, in order for us to feel at peace, content, now what that entails each of us might have a different interpretation, one of those big words one could say. (I've banned myself from using the phrase 'so to speak', if you hear me utter it, you have permission to bless my hide)
I'm thinking that though an actual world, home, would be it at it's most base, since that goes without saying and could be transfered towards the whole 'I am' theory, as in just existing wherever one is, in the case of the crew members whose sense of belonging was ripped away, people and place, it, because it had to, was quickly transfered and relatively comfortably, again because it had to, to Bravo and to the other people onboard. People much more so.
I find it so fascinating, what it means for the three of them to be moving not only away from Hyneria, but to be moving away from Yul and the others and at the same time on route to a link to the past. Outcome matters, of course it does, but it's completely seperate too, what I mean is there is enough material just in the going to keep the reader (or at least this reader) occupied for the longest time. :-) Never mind what actually will happen once they arrive.
A couple of things that I just liked so and didn't mention yet.
The 'light rain' metaphor is completely wonderful, my favourite amongst the many in those first paragraphs.
Von's reference to his itchy skull. So easily interjected, and so remindful in regards to the chapter that told us why he would make such a statement in passing.
The tip-toes metaphor, again, just wonderful.
And of course, the whole 'Life is grey' and the most we can ever do is our best. There is always going to be something left behind, something to feel guilty about, something that could have been better, something to miss, something to struggle with saying goodbye to. In this case, as Kyra blatantly states, she has left Yul behind and all that entails. But more than that, it's a time that has been left behind, a time of 8 crew members and guests.
Again, much admiration for Von, his listening and his guidance. Could she in turn hear him if she hadn't been able to get there herself, I wonder, and would have done eventually.
Thinking of this comment as a few notes to get back to when time better permits and I'm not doing a million other things at the same time.
Feeling lost has to be one of the most confusing feelings to feel, scary too. Not knowing what to think, not belonging even within ones own thoughts.
At that moment, as she walks into Von's quarters, in part she is looking for herself, a reflection of herself, wanting to disregard the doubts, or at least hoping that Von will offer that opportunity, tell her she was right, that she isn't lost, that she acted as she should, followed her heart, made the only decision that she could.
Whatever either of them said, it would have changed nothing about the direction they are headed in. And I doubt, Von having supported the side of her that she was looking to have supported will change that the other exists.
Even if you have time, don't respond too much to my rambling here today, I need no more encouragement and I've still hardly managed to touch much upon what I want to say, but time has run out, thank goodness one might say :-D. Happy day ahead, x
Wow - I just have to say I had to reread this one several times!! Not that the writing was confusing, but that I was confusing the writing in my head - LOL does that make sense?
I had a bit to catch up on, so maybe I was just trying to take in too much at once :) Two great post tho....
Have a great week Tree. Sounds like your busy as always but that things are good :)
(hope that was ok)
Meg
Thanks for stopping by Chicky. Always nice to see a kind word on the image from you. :-)
Thanks Meg. Busy on the road again, which really cuts into my blogging time. :-D
I hope this chapter was worth the effort to read and reread. If not, perhaps the one below this one made up for it. :-D
Take care and have a good rest of the week too. :-)
I really just need a clapping icon or something so I don't have to try and put things into words, great chapter, love the image!
be safe whilst you are away from home my friend
Thanks Tubie. Seems I've been on the road forever. 12 days in January. 9 days on this trip and I've got three trips already booked for March. I'm afraid my Maria will forget who I am! :-D
As always, thanks for the kind words on the story and image. Much appreciated my friend. :-)
Kyra is such a good soul but as Von said, she is too hard on herself. Von is quite wise and I felt it moreso in this chapter.
I'm sorry I missed the chance to play around here but then again, it's no fun without you and Jack around. ;-)
Another P.S. The frac is stunning! I rank it as one of my top 10 favs.
Karen, thanks so much for those wonderfully kind words on the image and the story. Always know, I do so very much appreciate you reading the story and leaving such kind words for me to find. :-)
Y'kno...I think I like Kyra. Is she OK? I mean, am I choosing a (good) character to like?
I do. I like her.
Kyra watched, absorbed in the mediation of his routine, of hand on metal, of mind in flow. Von’s breathing flowed with the steady ease of a light rain as his hands moved faster and faster, cloth transparent with blur as the mirror-like finish of his las seemed as polished as possible. Yet, still he polished and she understood the exercise was not for the polishing of metal as much as the polishing of mind.
Danna, Kyra is to die for and yes, she is a good character :-). I fell in love with her a long time ago and have been falling deeper and deeper with each chapter. Just wait till you get to the chapters between her and her grandfather. In short, she is the heroine of this story, and damn good looking too, if I may say so. :-D
(blissful sigh)
The best kind. :-)
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