Journal Entry: 07:283:005 M24 (continued)I returned from Mairi’s quarters. My black leather vest and leggings, which were normally formfitting, felt tight. Tight is not the right word. They felt constricting, almost as if the very conversation, or their knowledge of my thoughts on the very conversation, caused them to shrink, led them to question their very owner. With no voice to express displeasure, they contracted. And in their contraction, they squeaked as only tight leather forced into motion squeaks. So I listened to their displeasure with each step from Mairi’s quarters back to mine.
She had put the question before me as if moving a chess piece. The words came forth, so it seemed, in slow motion, carefully chosen and perfectly articulated. She didn’t miss a syllable. Almost before she started I knew where she was going, but like a nightmare, I was unable to stop her. So I sat. And I listened. Felt like hours. Five words. Do you, ever feel guilty?
She paused after you, but she didn’t need to. She had my attention, or so I thought. Do you, pause. Her eyes narrowed with the pause. Couldn’t have been more than two or three seconds to say Do you, but I swear I saw her eyes narrow, her blue irises contract like a laser dialing in concentrated focus.
And I knew. I knew where she was going and I was helpless to stop her. The third word sounded like two words. Word three, the hump word in a five word sentence. Her pronunciation betrayed her upper class upbringing. The articulation was very subtle, seductively subtle, sneaky subtle, but there to hang in the air, a clue to say, this is me and it is all I’ve got left. Can you hear what I am saying she seemed to communicate with her widening eyes. We must have been on the third second and the third word, but her eyes widened with the utterance of Ever. Do you evv-err she said. Evv-err. Who says evv-err I thought.
Feel. Word four. Never did much like that word. Even less since the events of the virus. Feelings, why do we care. They don’t stay. They often lie. They have their own agenda. Yet, we seem to lift them up high on the mighty alter of truth. If I feel it, it must be right. How can a feeling be wrong? So we elevate our feelings to god-like status. But there is was, front and center, word four—feel. Do you evv-err feel.
By Janus woman, I thought, just spit it out. I was amazed at how many thoughts I could have between her words. I thought about my thoughts. I filled the gap, not with listening, but with more words. What would Papa say; Listen with your eyes. See with your ears. But I did neither. I filled the gap with me. She talked and I dialogued with me. Papa didn’t teach me to insult others this way.
Then word five. Guilty. I can’t say I ever, or is that evv-err, heard Papa use the word guilt. I knew the Hynerian for twenty some odd years and I really don’t believe he evv-err, now she has me doing it, used that word. I had to think twice as to meaning. I wanted to hold the word in my hands and look at it as I would an unknown object. Do you ever feel guilty? That is what she asked me.
So, I fell out of character for the second time that morning. I lied to Von and now I was playing for time. I pretended I didn’t know what she was talking about, but I knew. I knew before she ever asked. So I played for time. I put up a façade. I pretended to be something I wasn’t. What was wrong with me? Correction. What is wrong with me? Is it stress? Do I just not see it? Have I not recovered from the coma? Did Kieran do something to my mind? Well, I could dance all I wanted, but the question was on the table and Mairi was not breaking eye contact.
Yes. I do. I do feel guilt. That’s what I told her. I’m alive and most everyone I know is not. So I told her of my conversation with Von, and I relived for the second time that fateful last day, my final goodbye from Papa. And I told her what he told me: Put away your fears and worries and regrets. They will do you no good in the place you are heading and if they return, remember this. To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift that so many others will never receive. Fine words, but I was less than honest with Mairi when I told her that story. I didn’t make it up, I just wasn’t living it.
Commentary Part 1 Commentary Part 2 Commentary Part 3Categories: Story, Kyra, Mairi, Papa
30 comments:
How r ya Tre?
**To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift that so many others will never receive.
thats such a great statement. U have a way with words and thoughts Tre...very special way!
Keshi.
Keshi, I'm doing fine. I wish I could take credit for that phrase but it comes from my favorite runner--Pre. Always wanted to work it into the story and now I've got Papa giving it to Kyra in a last bit of parting wisdom. :-)
Thanks for the sweet words. :-)
Hi Tree, glad to know the story is still going strong, although I'll have to admit it has lost me a long time ago. Still, it's good to come back and see you still have plenty of ideas!
Yup, will never forget the link to SaffronSaris appears here 1st. Thanks gazillion!
Saffy, the story is as strong as ever. No worries, I think I lot of folks stopped following it at some point. That's why I always try and include an image with the chapter so for those that have no interest in the story still have some eye candy to partake.
Hope all is well on your side of the world. :-)
oh ok :) but the fact that know of it is good enough!
Keshi.
Haven't heard the commentary yet, that's up next - may have to spew a little more after that :-)
First things first, good morning my lovely!
Feeling and thinking, you have me checking myself. :-) The image is amazing, one for my wall, not sure what it is about it though I have found I often am drawn to the b/w. The mirroring and impression of endlessness, that it would go on forever never changing its pattern, maybe it's the safeness and knowing that is so inviting, or it could instead be the opposite :-), escape and disappearance. Hypnosis, lost in thoughts of nothing, where everything looks the same.
Only one cup this morning!
As for the prose, appeals to my analytical nature. Words are words, except they are so much more than that. You've shown that so well here and all from just one side. Excellent stuff, truly! She's a fighter, our Kyra, in more ways than one.
Hmm,
well, you can tell how much I liked that chapter from the incoherent babbling that took me ages to write :-D
So nice to hear your voice again :-) I hope you do continue to do these commentaries, they add so much to the chapters, though they stand so perfectly on their own, the commentary gives deeper insight, things we may not as readers have considered or at least not deep enough. Beautiful.
Sweetest, I really enjoyed doing the commentary again--could you tell--LMAO. I thought both the image and the prose needed some explanation since it was not obvious what exactly was going on. One day, when I'm able to express myself better there may be less need for the commentary, but for now, I'll see about adding some to each new post. Sometimes I take for granted that everyone following the story know everything I know about the characters, and that's just not possible. Thus, a little somthin somthin extra. :-D
Sounds like you are in good spirits today and that is a very good thing to sense and feel in a comment. Hope my gut instinct is correct. I've missed you like crazy over this oh so very long weekend, made long only by your absence. Is that spelled right? I still have sleep in my eyes and no coffee in my belly yet, so expect more spelling issues than usual. :-D
As you may have guessed, I could talk forever about this chapter and the development of Kyra, where she is at this time of her life and how she is going to handle herself going forward. She is a fighter and we are probably going to see that "leaderish" side of her soon since I have a feeling Taren and Shen may not have the best interest of Mairi in mind, which may cause Kyra to take action. Time will tell. :-)
As "Venus" might sing, so good, so good, so good to have you back. I feel love! :-D
Oh Keshi, you are a sweet one. Belated kiss is on the way. :-)
You had me in a fit of giggles at the start of the third commentary :-D
I'm in a great mood today, it's very strange really, but I guess, I'm just certain that all will be well and that we will, after the next few days, be on our way so to speak.
Rushing now as I have to go in a few, but your characters are what make your story as much as or more than the action. That's credit to your great skill as a writer! Looking forward as always with much anticipation of what you will pull out of the hat next :-)
Talk to you soon.
Have a FABULOUS day!, xo
Dear Sweetest, your kind words always make my day and your attitude, your positive energy, especially in times of stress, is a welcomed drink of cool water on a hot day. It is easy to see why so many gravitate toward your friendship and look to your shoulder to lean on. If those shoulders ever get tired, you know where to come. :-D
Godspeed my sweetest. :-)
The last line, "I wasn't living it" struck some feelings in me. It seems that I go through life without living it and need reminders from time to time, so thank you!
I enjoyed this chapter too! When are you publishing this?
*HUGS* to you and Jackaroo!
Karen, that last line comes from the many times in my own life when what I knew and what I did, did not match--and I knew it. As an old mentor once said to me, "its not what you know but what you remember to use that counts."
Kyra hasn't been quite right every since the Kieran episode in the iso ward. The good news is, as we see from her journal, she is aware and she is taking responsiblity and not making excuses or trying to pass the buck to someone else or some "event" in her past. I like that about her. She has that rare combination of honest introspection with a lean toward action rather than just thought. I think we will see her work herself out of this funk and remember to use what she already knows, which might take us back to Papa and the beaches of Valla. :-)
Another great entry--and the image...Bet you didn't know this ;) but ohhhh, do I love black and white.
I must say, Oliviah, your b/w images of late have been inspiring. As always, your kind sweet comments are very much appreciated. :-)
Thanks for giving us more story! Interesting way to begin the chapter... I was waiting to see the cause of the shrinkage. Hmm, never thought of the leather I sometimes wear as not having a voice... tee hee. I'll never think of it again the same way.
Terry, you are more than welcome. I really enjoyed writing this one last night. I feel like Kyra is starting to look a little more real and once we establish real, then we can go deep and I do want to go deep with her. :-D
I agree, she hasn't been the same since. She's got a strong character and a good sense of who she is and wants to become - much wisdom there. I think she's got a lot of you in her :-)
Karen, I'd like to think I have a lot of Kyra in me. I'm not so sure she wants a lot of me in her. :-D
She is not old--late twenties and has been through more than any of us will ever experience. On top of what happened on her home planet, she is the only one onboard to have passed between realms. It almost killed her and the after effects of the coma are still not known. Although Kieran has returned, she is still unable to let go that she was unable to "save" him those many weeks ago. The conversation with Mairi hit home for her. Her guilt lies in her perceived failure in the iso ward. Mairi, among other things, is experiencing extreme anxiety and the "survivor guilt" she spoke of with Kyra is not the real issue. Mairi's problems are much more personal and her fears are deep-seated and closer to home.
Thanks so much for reading the story and following the characters. As you can probably tell, I could talk, literally, all day about each and every one of them. Kyra, however, is my first, and I do love her the most. :-)
I have to admit, I like Kyra the best as well. There is just something about her...
*snortle* about you saying she wouldn't want any of you in her. What about Jack?! Don't leave him out! LOL
Well, I think Jack and her would get along just fine. :-)
A few words can say so much, as you have shown us so well with this entry. Your analyzation and commentaries pair so well. As they say, "Less is more".
Oh, how could I have forgotten to comment on the image? It pairs perfectly with your description!
Deb, thanks so much for the kind words. This could be one of my favorite chapters in regard to what is not said and the implacations on how much we cling to the idea of who we are and the fear that wells up when those ideas change or just don't matter anymore.
Hope you and Wontar have a great weekend. :-)
Wow, I love the new look Tree... Very nice darlin'!! I have missed you sooo... ;-)
Oh Y, you have just earned a special place in my heart as the first person to comment on the new layout. I upgraded to Blogger.beta and have been absolutely loving it. As they introduce new templates you might see this site change again. Change is good, no? :-D
Awww, I do love being in your special place Tree!! I am honored!! I'm sorry for the absence darlin'! How can I make it up to you?!! ;-)
Kisses...
Just keep writing those incredible erotic pieces. Each one is like a jewel. :-)
Can I just say that this picture is one of the best ever? I love the platinum/silver sheen.
Yes you can Jack. In fact, you can say it as many times as you like. :-D
As always, thanks for the kind words. Glad you liked the image.
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