"Von, you got a minute?"
"I do. Come on in. What's on your mind?"
"I'm losing her."
"Who?"
"Ariel."
"What makes you say that?"
"A feeling. Something is different. Something has changed."
"Such as?"
"I don't know."
"You sure about that?"
"Nothing seems as clear as it did before."
"Before when? Or is it what?"
"Before the incident on Tranquility."
"John, I think everyone understands. You've had no time to grieve."
"You see, that's just it. Time. I feel it slipping away. I feel I don't have time. I feel as if what is moving, what is changing, what may have already changed is outside the realm of time."
"Well, without going off on a tangent, there is only the eternal now, which is forever in motion because our minds create the concepts of motion and within motion is born time. But that's a discussion for another day. May I be blunt?"
John nods.
"I understand your fear and that fear is clouding your vision. What has changed will change again. So you must ask yourself the right question--assuming, of course, you want the right answer. You see, we often ask the wrong questions and fail to see why our answers never seem to work."
"And that question would be?"
"What do you want to happen. That is the question your analytical guilt-ridden mind is blocking from view. Ask that question and I think the answer you are looking for will be clear."
17 comments:
The timing of this, is it after he left her? Does he really not understand why things feel different? Would love more detail from you on this.
I guess you are back home? Glad that you had a safe trip.
Jennifer
Jen-nay, I'm back home for about 36 more hours and then head back to Phoenix.
This conversation with Von takes place in the days after the 'good night' visit. John is in a bit of denial. He knows. But, like a lot of fathers, unwilling to stand before the raw truth--almost hoping beyond hope that there is something else to blame other than himself. And Von knows and he knows that John knows. But rather than call him out, he offers his advice as softly as he can.
Aren't you a funny Gump tonight? I swear I sat and watched part of that movie Thursday. I laugh at all of the same places, cringe EVERYTIME I see him get hit in the head with the rock, and quote the same lines over and over.
And I LOVE him as an Alabama football player.....*STOP* !!!
The Story :^D .....
I respect Von so much for the way he is handling John. Wise man.
Poor John. Denial - Ariel pretends and Daddy does too.
I need to go back and read comments, and a couple of posts. These intense emotions that Ariel is experiencing is more than being left by John, right? THAT was just the last straw? And some of this stems from the loss of her mother and how John shut down emotionally, right? Is there more, not written, that has happened between when he left and when he came back, that has hurt her as well?
Her relationship with Em, that seems almost like a surroget (sp?) mother situation for Ariel. Seems odd for her to admit to Em that it hurts to see her smile. Is there more here too? That she wishes it was her own mother, or am I reading WAY too much into that statement.
Does it surprise you that I have a collection of juicers? I tend to try to squeeze things for all they are worth! I seem to be milking The Story, word for word, every drop!
Jen, I'm so proud that you picked up on the Gump reference. :-)
Ariel has always been close to Em and Em to Ariel. Em has always wanted children and has often feared she never would. Ariel gives her a chance to dream. Likewise, Ariel has picked up on Em's desire and has gravitated to her from the first moments onboard, even when Cait was still around.
As for reading too much into The Story, well, isn't that half the fun? :-D
I believe that what we see happening is this. After Ariel had a chance to say goodbye to her mother, she has come to realized that that was really truly a goodbye, that Cait is not going to be a Kieran and be someone she is going to see again from time to time--or so she is starting to believe. So she starts to see her dad as all important in her life. Then, he makes the choice he did, and she can't quite put her finger on it, but she senses a foreboding in the choice, a sense that she is or has or is about to lose, to whatever degree, her other parent. And in that thought or that sense, her smile is lost. Now, I don't think Ariel could articulate what I've just said, but the feeling in her heart, in her gut, is a smile stealing feeling. And that's where we stand at the moment--of course, we do have that brief interview with her (Ariel) sometime time in the distant future so we do have some insight as to how she has processed the events of that night and the days to come.
Sometimes the shift in our lives is not an earthquake, but rather something much more subtle, something we don't recognize until much later as a significant event. I would argue that this is what Ariel has experienced. And what John fears has happened.
Says Tree Gump:
"So she starts to see her dad as all important in her life. Then, he makes the choice he did, and she can't quite put her finger on it, but she senses a foreboding in the choice, a sense that she is or has or is about to lose, to whatever degree, her other parent."
And maybe realize that she didn't have him as completely as she thought to start with? I think it would be painful, in fact I KNOW it is, to realize that we are not the center of our parents world. That we can be forsaken for....
Responsibilities. Selfishness. Love of another. Duty. _________________ fill in the blank.....
Sounds like all that she has endured, plus some painful realizations, have taken a mean toll on her.
And John, could that be part of the question he has to ask himself? Did he love enough or put her first? THAT is a hard call because I think parents question themselves constantly, about everything. But hopefully not about how much we have hurt our children and could we have done anything differently.
You know I love Ariel and I worried back when I first became a fan of the Story that something bad might happen to her physically. Just can't take it when a child is injured, or God forbid, worse. Well, I wasn't thinking about this, about her being REALLY hurt emotionally.
Tense times. Missing the sweetness and giggles with Em.
Jen-nay. Jen-nay. I just love saying that. :-D
The Story has placed many characters in rock and hard place situations. This is not the first time John has had to make an unpleasant choice. The first time, he choose Kyra over staying home with Cait and Ariel (I'm oversimplifying the matter but in essence this is what he did) and as a result put the entire family at risk. I wonder to what extent Ariel knows what happened and why it happened in that case. Would shed a little light if Ariel were to see some sort of pattern, that once again her father was leaving her for Kyra, although this time it is a little different.
You've touched upon a very important point, which is to say, that point in our lives when we realized our parents have a life and we are not the center of it. I remember as a child--actually I think I was in my teens--when I realized my parents had a life beyond me and that although they loved me, I was not the alpha and omega of their lives. That was an eye-opening realization. Ariel is getting a dose of this much sooner than she should and, what I find interesting, is that although Kyra could completely understand with regard to her parents, would not relate with regard to Papa.
I wish the story could just be sugar and plums all the time. I wish my own life was closer to that. Yet, I hope, that with the tough times and the hard times and the emotional loses and hurts and pain, that the good times are enjoyed and appreciated on a deeper and more satisfying level. At least I hope so. I must also say, I embrace the pain as much as the joy. I like to feel and would rather feel pain than nothing at all. And sometimes, I like the pain--or so it seems.
Jen, your comments and questions and insight are wonderful. I love you to pieces for sharing. :-)
I need me a Von in my life.
I want him to be my therapist.
And we can snip on Snoot while he psychoanalyzes me.
P.S. My little brother worked for the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. for three years as a server. He knows every bit of Forrest Gump trivia that there ever is to know cos they would have to stump people with it at their tables.
He's also kick-fucking-ass at ping pong.
But, that's because he plays in bars all the time.
And one of my goals in life is to eventually see the Lt. Dan Band play live cos they play all the time here in Chicago and I never go and I have the hots in a major way for Gary Sinise.
Strumper, me too. :-)
It's only because those are the very words I was going to open with, or very close to anyway I would love to have a Von in my life that I didn't confuse your me too as tying in with the last part of Strumpet's comment in regards to Gary Sinise :-D (Great taste, Strumpet!:).
Thinking back, and because it is a while ago now, I may not be remembering correctly, but my impression was that Ariel did indeed understand more of what was going on that either of her parents would have desired for her. There was the conversation, where John and Rog were headed toward Bravo, where Cait asked John if he knew what his daughter had asked her that day, whether he still loved them...also on a lesser scale when he forgot to mend the pillow before leaving. Although John and Ariel most certainly had (have) a very special bond, a very special father/daughter relationship, I think it was to some extent cultivated and secured by Cait, and that is with the knowledge that she may sometimes have felt a little frustrated, though that be not the right word..so gracious and compassionate a heart as hers, so understanding, such a loving wife and mother, though she was there each day, her needs were not greater than that of her daughter..what I mean to say is that with her help, with her words, Ariel understood why her father left often, that it was just how things were and there was much rejoicing to be done when he returned, his absences meant not that he didn't love them and through the pillow and communication with her father and through perhaps more than anything her mother, she felt him always. So it speaks to me. Without Cait, circumstances aside for a minute which will always have a direct or an indirect bearing upon their situations, separate or together, in some for or another, more than her presence and love is missing and somehow they shall need to find a way to make it work without her. With Cait always there, John being gone on occasion mattered not so greatly as it would now for him to leave her, not only does she have the fear of losing her other parent, but as you wrote above, the centre she was of Cait's world, at least so she believed, and naturally she would need that now from John, to come first, to be chosen first, each and every time. How much you tell without saying the words is the same reasons why genius and natural talent and awe and wonder have been expressed so often throughout these pages.
He knows when, he has watched her, though he has had to contend with the mirror too, these last couple of (how long has passed..(?)) weeks/months, just after as she bonds with Em, on so many occasions, though she has had reason to lose it, her smile has been close all the while and now, here, he understands that there has been a change, and so Von, dear, darling, clever, beloved Von lets him know, asks him, what he wants to happen. The change is him. So it can be again. Wonderful stuff, Poppet, clever man, H
Yeah, it took me a minute, but I eventually got that Tree was not speaking about my post script, Madame Storm.
Gary Sinise is entirely hot.
Yes.
Yes, he is.
xo
Sweetest, this is wonderful fan-f*-tastic psychological insight into the world of Ariel as only a mother with a daughter could see so clearly. I would love to say I've written this part of the story with that exact intent in mind, but now that you've laid it out there, I believe this is exactly what is happening. See how you enrich my own understanding and experience of my own story? The Story would not be one-tenth of what it is without comments like this. You know I could love you to pieces just from this one comment and everything it means. :-)
Stay tuned for the chapter to come where Ariel and John take a little trip. :-)
Strumper. Assume nothing. :-D
:-D
:-D
Wow Ms. Storm. Your words, your insight opened this part of the Story right up.
What you say about Cait having been the buffer for Ariel, the place for her to be the center, just really struck a chord of truth.
Tree, you have such brilliant readers! Ms. Storm's words ARE true about the Mother Daughter Relationship.
My Grandfather was a long-haul truck driver and he would be gone for long periods of time. When he was on the road, he was not the best of husbands.
My Grandmother knew this, but for her daughters, who were spending a lot of time growing up without the presence of their father, she made his homecomings from the road special. SHE was not necessarily glad to see him home, knowing what she knew, but she was willing to sacrifice a part of her pride to give a sense of security to her children.
The flip side to this is that when my mother realized what wer her father and mother's actual experiences, it was PAINFUL and destructive to an extreme.
Poor Ariel. Her pain, in my eyes, has deepened even more.
The Story seems to have layers and layers, to peel back and explore.
Have a lovely evening.
Jen
Oh! And how is it that I just now noticed the nod to the Beatles, right above where I am typing? My favorite!!
Jen, I love that Beatles' song. And yes, I have been blessed with the readers I have. :-)
That is so frailing hot.
:-D
That you think that is hot is making me look for my mitt. :-D
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