Day: 99-3Still no side-effects to stopping cold turkey. None. I feel more alive than I have since December and my ability and desire to write has returned as it was premed. Music too is again a joy in my life and last night, I picked up a magazine and read--something I had not done in six or seven weeks, something I could not bring myself to do on meds--there was just absolutely no desire, as if to read anything was a chore. All my premed sensitivities (the good ones) are reemerging and it feels as if a mask or a fog or some medicated filter has been lifted, as if the windshield of my life has had the film removed and I can see and feel and experience life again with love and joy and happiness. I know this initial euphoria of having an emotional life will fade to normal, but if anything, I'm going to enjoy today, and remember what it was like to feel again, to love again, to look upon the sun and want to stand in it.
Listening to music this morning and I cannot overemphasis the joy I feel to be moved again by melody and lyric. Music has again become a flow for me, not some insipid architectural construct devoid of an emotional plane. The only way I know to explain it is this: imagine your favorite dish losing all taste and for three months you could taste nothing--and then, one day, all the depth and joy of flavor returned. This is how it feels. I am utterly amazed at the mysteries of the human chemical makeup and humbled at the razor thin line that makes life a joy or a bland nothingness. Thankful is the feeling, for I know that what I have today is a gift, not something I willed or determined or created of my own devices. I do not believe in a higher power, but if I did, this experience would be a deposit in that bank account of belief.
Day: 98-2
Intense disagreement with my SO over stopping meds cold turkey last night. A significant challenge/test to my emotional foundation. So far, so good. On this second day, still early, without meds, I feel again a certain sharpness of something I can't quite describe, but it makes me feel alive in a way that the meds did not. I listened to music with joy last night for the first time in 97 days and I can't wait to see if today, that joy is still there.
11 comments:
I was skeptical about you stopping cold turkey, but understand. I think the average person might have a harder time, but you seem so aware of the changes, I really think you can pull this off. I BELIEVE IN YOU. I believe in your self awareness. And, I believe that you will make the necessary concessions should the need arise. That being said, hearing you talk of music and reading and writing (and reading your writing) puts a smile on my face and a bounce in my step, both have been missing for a while as I was truly worried about you. I strongly believe in intuition, and my intuition is telling me that you are doing the right thing, the right thing for you. After all, who better knows whats best for you.
"I'm going to enjoy today, and remember what it was like to feel again, to love again, to look upon the sun and want to stand in it." When I read this I imagine a black and white photo with the color emerging back into it. That's how I see what is happening to you, the meds drained the color, and now you are restoring that picture. My dearest friend, 'feel', 'love' and bask in the sun.
I know this sounds 'strange'. I find it interesting that you chose to stop the meds on Ash Wednesday (or the night before). I guess you could say you gave them up for lent.
My thoughts and Prayers will always be with you.
TIGHT HUGS and KISSES
Love Always,
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
hhhHHH
ps...if you need help cleaning the film off the windshield let me know, my elbows are greased and ready to help.
;-)
I love when you add things after I comment.
The smile is incredible, I'm sure it will be the focus of my dreams tonight.
So glad to hear you are listening and moreso ENJOYING music. Oh, one more question, have you had the urge to go the bookstore?
Goodnight my dearest Tree, I hope tomorrow brings you more love, joy and happiness, and may the sun shine so bright you end up with a sun burn, or at least major tan lines. :-)
Thoughts and Prayers
Tight Hugs
MWAH
XOXOXOXO
hhHH
I love Lofl's comparison to a photograph, a b/w with the colour re-emerging. Not least because you looked so different to me in the photo of you and Maria, but I see 'you' clearly in the photo accompanying this post. I echo Lofl once more when she writes of your self awareness - I know, you will take good care of yourself.
It is indescribably wonderful to hear you speak of sun, of music, or writing, of life with such gusto once again. Am thrilled that today is full. Wish you well always. Love you dearly.
Tree, here's hoping that the joy you currently feel continues and the bad stuff that plagued you before does not return.
Autumn, the reason this photo is different to the one with Maria is because in this photo, Tree is genuinely happy (his eyes are involved in the smile too) whereas in the photo with Maria, he was trying to be happy but the emotion behind the smile was not really there - that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
I just LOOOOOOVVVVEEEEE this picture... you made me smile with your smile... how wonderful to see you like this. Let me join you in your current state of happiness and embrace the you. I wish for you that how you feel right now, will become your normal.. it's not unrealistic you know... and i very much disagree with your statement, that this feeling isn't created on your own.. give yourself some credit.. you did it... and let me hug you for that as I always do (until you grow tired of it ;-) )
Liane, I'm not sure I could ever grow tired of your hugs. So hug at will. Often and tight and if you feel a little something extra, well, what can I say--I'm feeling like my old self again. :-D
Sending you hugs in return. Thank you for visiting. Means more than I know to say. :-)
Jenni, your observations are right on. I wanted a new profile pic for FB and I wanted Maria in the pic. At the vet, we took several pics. I wanted one of me smiling, but the smile just wouldn't come on demand and the picture I ended up posting was the best of the lot, but the smile was not a natural expression.
The second pic, well, the smile is genuine and real and natural and, as goofy as it looks, at least to me, is sincere happiness and joy, of being able to smile again like I have not smiled in a long, long time. Your friendship through the years has been very appreciated. If we lived near, I'd asked you to tutor me in Apophysis. Your images and knowledge of the program are far superior to mine. Hugs to you Jenni.
Cold turkey can be physically very hard and isn't the easiest path, but you have to choose your own path. Be on the watch for dramatic swings.
JRM, I've been watching myself like a hawk and on the fourth day, I have had no, nada, zero perceptible withdrawal symtoms. I know this is not the norm, but my mind and body told me four days ago that this was the course for me. Things could change, but so far so good. Nice to see you stopping by. :-)
This makes me wonder of the nature of artists and the masses. Can it be that people who think and feel so deeply are simply able to feel differently because of their biochemical makeup? And so there are people who enjoy Keats. And there are people who enjoy The Biggest Loser? And is it simply that we are all made differently?
It is frightening to think, really, how tentatively we are tied to the self, isn't it?
I'm so pleased that you are doing well with this, Tree.
xo
erin
Erin, my experience over the last 100 days has enlightened me on just how tied we are to our chemical makeup. I took a psychoactive chemical. And it changed who I was, what I liked, what I didn't like, how I conceived and viewed the world and others. On meds, I can't write, don't want to write. Off meds, the creative juices flow. You are special my friend. Thank you so much for continuing to visit me. Mwah!
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