Day: 96

As the days slip by, the effect and affect of the meds becomes more and more subtle and to know what is med based and what is not has become exceedingly difficult--so here is what I know

(1) I haven't been to a bookstore in weeks--I haven't picked up a book or a magazine in the same period--if you know me, this behavior is so far from the norm as to be disconcerting--why this is the case is a mystery to me but for whatever reason, my desire to read, and this goes for blogs too (please take no offense that I have not been visiting and reading), has evaporated

(2) drive and motivation is deathly absent and things that should worry and concern me (job, money, relationships) don't--I know logically that they should and I am aware of the issues, aware of the dangers, aware of the abyss, but there is just not even a scintilla of concern--it is driving those around me crazy--I cannot for the life of me understand who this person is that I have become

(3) on most days, I feel, and this is very, very subtle at this stage, but I feel under the influence of the meds--I cannot emphasis just how subtle this sense is and I tend to know it indirectly, by shadow rather than shape, by absent as much as presence--about 10% of my days I feel absolutely, completely and positively normal in every respect (maybe less than 10%)--about 85% I live in this medicated state that is so subtle as to be maddening in the way that a word on the tip of the tongue, just out of reach, is--perhaps most frightening, on very rare occasions, the emotional nuts and bolts come loose and perspective goes out the window and I just hang on for dear life, fully aware of the insanity knocking at my door--a return, to steal a phrase, into that darkness--what is equally frightening is the short periods of complete normalcy because it is in these moments that I am able to see the other states most clearly and to see that all is not right, not as it should be

(4) sexual function works, but as I alluded to in day 83, there are subtle differences that are frustrating--I'll leave it at that to avoid TMI

(5) in short, at this stage, there is a childlike carefree-ness that I can see and that I am aware of that I can do nothing about--I can resist it and I can work against it, but the energy required is enormous--and, like despair, the effect of the meds undermines the very foundation you need to stand upon to fight


Let me say this and be very clear: all of the effects I'm describing are so subtle as to be almost imperceivable--I have no complaint against the meds for I feel that have done exactly what they are suppose to do and the net effect has been more good than not--knowing what I know now, I would make the exact same decision as I did 96 days ago--the simple question remains, where do I go from here

for all those who have stuck by me with love and hugs and support I want to say how very, very much this has meant--I feel at times as if I have abandoned you guys and there are days I don't even visit my own blog, again, a behavior so far from my premed state as to be alarming--just know, even when I don't respond individually to every comment as I did for five years, I am fully aware of all the love you guys have sent my way and I cannot emphasis how much it has meant to me