"Von, did you like my speech from the other night?" asked Kyra."I thought it was magnificent. Papa would have been proud."
"And if I told you, I have no idea what I said, nor any idea of what it means, would it change your opinion?"
"Of course, not."
"Von."
"No Von about it. In the writing, the words are yours. In the speaking, you set them free like doves from cage to sky. What was yours is now theirs. This is the way of speeches."
"And what I think?"
"Don't much matter."
"Really?"
"It matters to you, of course. And obviously, it does."
"Sometimes I feel the pressure. I've never said this to anyone, but I felt the pressure growing up, almost a tug-a-war. Pulling me in one direction was the sense of abandonment by my parents and feeling that somehow I was to blame. On the other side, the spoken and unspoken expectations of Papa, seemingly impossible expectations. There are days, like today, where I feel I live in no-man's land. Neither here nor there; neither loved nor hated; my purpose neither needed nor wanted; a place where I manufacture my own atmosphere so to speak and when I give a speech like I did the other night, I wonder how much longer can I continue to breath my own air."
"Is there a question in there or do you just need to be heard, listened to?"
Kyra smiled. "Both and neither."
Von returned the smile.
"You see," said Kyra, "when we had a specific tangible purpose, to find a home, there was a goal, something to dream about, something to hope for, a mission to accomplish. Now, what do we have? An idea? Some lofty speech about something greater? A wave of philosophical emotion? And, to use your phrase, I released the doves. I am the parent of that idea and the others seem to have embraced it." Kyra paused without looking at Von. "I feel the burden and the fear. I feel the responsibility and the expectation. I feel as a writer staring at a blank page. And you know what else?"
"What?"
"I feel alone."
6 comments:
I've missed the story more than I ever have before these last couple of days and that is quite something, I can tell you. To tell it as it is, regardless of how simplistic it may sound, I felt a need to see Von or Papa or Kyra, steady, though they may themselves argue that case, in fact Kyra does right here, trustworthy, true and grounded, to be surrounded by them, even through their trials and tribulations, is to feel warmer, more peaceful, calmer, more at ease, if any of that makes sense, but suffice to say, it was so incredibly nice to spend some time in the presence of Von and Kyra here.
Where was it written, somewhere in the beginning, long before actions began proving the hypothesis, when we were first introduced to Kyra, we heard of how one crew member was collectively chosen for possessing precisely the qualities that would make her the best kind of leader. Not sure why I began writing about that, in any case, it has been her uncertainties, her willingness to admit weakness, fear, confusion, pain, wrongdoing, misinterpretation and mistake, to name just a few, that have shown as much and perhaps more so than her many shining moments, her very special capabilities, that she is where she was meant to be, in that position. There are several chapters that come to mind, that revisit a while, as one reads this, the one where Love was singing (which incidentally has a high placement on the chapters that arise from association), the one where Papa is crying and tells her it is because he loves her (something like that), the chapters that have touched upon her parents, of dark holes untouchable, of marks left that cannot be wiped, but most of all I see her in her room, as I read this, her quarters, writing those journal entries, some of which we have seen, or standing in front of her window, sometimes just watching the sight in front of her, sometimes watching the past. Her uncertainty, though that is too broad a word for this context, might well be her greatest strength, there are no delusions or convictions though she would have been not just forgiven for entertaining some, and expected of having others, that she up to the task ahead of her before she reaches it, that wasn't what I was going to say, but I lost my train, and so instead, to go back to the Chapel, the most frequent returner, her words echo each of her crew, her fears, her uncertainties, the very reason she feels the responsibility and expectation so acutely and the very reason also why she is best able to bear it. And the aloneness. And despite her last words, the conversation in itself is extremely touching, as has been the case many times before, not just with Kyra and Von, she to him and he to her, but with others also, though almost always with either one of them as one half of the new twosome, not so much the listening, but the voicing. Consider this a half part A. Very moving chapter.
Sweetest, I too have missed the story more than you know. As you know, I had started this chapter some weeks ago, and with current events, had not the heart or mind to finish it. As the story has unfolded I have had the goal of, to the best of my skill, keeping the characters real and three dimensional. I wanted to explore and see all sides and this chapter was simply another brick in that wall for Kyra. She is not the superhero that at times she could seem to be. I think of all the characters I've done the best job of this with is John.
As always, you give the chapter a depth it did not have before, or I should say, a depth I did not see before. For that, I will be eternally grateful. Sweet dreams when you get that far.
H
Poppet
Ms Storm, thank you for your elaboration. I have read much but have yet to catch up. All great generals have spoken the truth that to be a leader, one must first know how to follow. In keeping earlier this week, I realized that I had been spending too much time on projects and not enough on my followers. When we met, I began the discussion by telling each one a specific admirable trait that I observed. I wanted them to know that I did not forget they were people and not there simply to fulfill my plans. Then we all had to suggest things to work on. As the leader, I volunteered myself first. The others were very quick to let me know that I forgot too many things all week. Ha! How right they were. But I was impressed that they felt they could talk to me. I find Von and Kyra's conversation interesting. Sometimes problems are solved by talking it out, and sometimes not. Trée, what would Kyra do if she did not have Von? Does she truly need him, or is Von merely a sounding board for her to hear her thoughts out loud? I'm still learning. Oh, and this week I have midterms that I haven't studied for yet, so I don't know if I will ever get caught up. Any help from you and Ms Storm is greatly appreciated. Btw, the writing these last few days is the best consecutive work that I have read on your blog.
Bel, Von is the one person Kyra feels she can confide in. He was put on Bravo to protect her and was a contemporary of Papa's, a Zing Tao himself. She doesn't need him, but he is nice to have around. In the past, Kyra has had these kinds of conversations in her journal. It just so happened that Von caught her alone on the bridge, thinking of Papa, of the stories he used to tell, her hair down, so to speak, and so the environment was set for her to open up. Although she might have had this conversation with others, mainly John, Von is the natural fit here, the substitute Papa so to speak.
Kyra, in many ways, is a loner. Her social skills are not as good as Yul's or Mairi's nor is she as comfortable around others as Em is. She grew up alone with her grandparents, her younger sister dying when she was only six (the sister that is), so for all intents and purposes, she was an only child. Interestingly enough, The Story has never shown us a scene in which there was another child interacting with Kyra when she was a child. Kyra is most at home interacting with people older than her, like Von, or those in authority, like The Hood. Although she is cordial with the entire crew, we have not really seen her form a really close relationship with anyone, although Kyra and Em have had their moments. John is not Hynerian and was not a part of the original crew, so he doesn't count.
Thanks for the kind words. Hope I shed some light on your question. :-)
Ms Storm and Trée, I noticed the blog problem but thought it was just me. If there is a problem to be had, I usually find it. =) I will work on it. Thanks for letting me know.
I think my blog is working now. I just responded to a comment. =)
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