T: Can you shed any light on John's behavior shortly after the return to Bravo?
K: He had no closure. With Cait. No period to mourn. No time to grieve. You've got to remember, within minutes of her death, Tranquility was set to self-destruct, an intense firefight occurred, and we fought like hell just to reach the transport. Nothing quite like knowing the ship you're on is about to explode to get your blood pumping. I think he was haunted by two images, both of which made him feel, impotent is not the word, I suppose made him feel powerless in the face of fate. John was not a man who had ever felt that way before. All his life, he imposed his will, shaped his outcomes with skill and cunning. And then, in a matter of minutes . . .
T: You lost me on "the two images." What was the second?
K: You could almost say there were three. Three images. The first, of course, was the sight when he rounded the corner and she was still alive. He didn't talk much about that, as I imagine you can understand. The second, and this you could see in his eyes, was leaving her behind, her body. We had no choice. There was no time. Everything moved too fast. But when we boarded the transport you knew he wanted to go back and get her. I think if it weren't for Ariel, he would have gone. And the two of them, would have been reunited.
T: Reunited?
K: If he had gone, he wasn't coming back. Even if he had wanted--and I don't believe, in that moment, he did--there was just no time. The best way to explain what we saw, perhaps, is like a dog, who is willing to run back into the burning house, to be with his master, even thought the master is dead, even thought he, the dog, knows he will die going back. John had that look. Those puppy dog eyes, I still remember them, glassy, and how when he looked at you, it felt like he was looking through you, as if he lived on a different dimension, as if he were seeing a world beyond our world. And who's to say, maybe he was.
T: And the third?
K: From the transport, we witnessed the explosion, of Tranquility. One didn't need to be Mairi to know what was going through his mind. He was trained under the code of 'leave no one behind.' Yet, in his mind, he had left her, abandoned, I believe, was the word he used. She would have no proper burial. There would be no dignity in the face of the horrific. And when the Tranquility exploded into a thousand pieces, of fire and debris, and what was once a magnificent vessel was but a fading flash in the eye, well, he just didn't look the same, as if the events had a cumulative effect, each breaking through a layer of strength, and with each breakage, he became more vulnerable, less able to cope, less able to repair, less able to see the world the way it was just hours before. I suppose one could say, as went Tranquility, so went his heart, and for all practical purposes, his soul too. Shattered. And you just don't put shattered back together again.
T: Did he have any idea The Brotherhood would be waiting on Bravo?
K: If he did, he never spoke of it. I would have thought the thought would have crossed his mind, but, and I don't think he would admit it, the man was in shock. In fact, I don't think he could even tell you what he thought at that time. Shock is like a magnifying glass. The object before your mind is all you see. It looks larger than it actually is and it blocks out everything else. He had no room for anything, and this is my opinion, but his own despair. So, no, on second thought, I don't think he thought of it.
T: And they wanted him to return with them to Kulmyk, to fight the good fight so to speak.
K: Yes.
T: But they wanted more than just him. They needed more than just John.
K: So it seemed, yes.
5 comments:
Brilliant!
No other word for it. The Interviews from Earth have always been such magnificent chapters giving us a unique insight into a time that was, and a processed one, one with hindsight, one with understanding, one shaped by everything that came after. It's not difficult but it would sound strange I guess, although I have said it before, there is something that you do when you write, very many types of chapters, the Interviews often among the top examples of those, where one is left with a feeling of 'yes' for lack of a better word, this makes sense, better still this is right.
I've always admired so your ability to find the simplest route from A to B, not necessarily in the process but in understanding, the pictures that you see and show to us so skilfully through what should be a sieve of words but seems not to alleviate any of the imagery.
Between two people who are able to really communicate and between great musicians, great artists and great writers and their listening, viewing or reading pleasure is a communication unseen and unheard straight to the heart, touch. You have that in your writing, even before the story and the art that gave you such a great vessel with which to do so, the ability to touch the heart of another by showing yours, I've seen it happen thousands of times throughout the months. Tears of joy, tears of beauty, tears of sadness, tears of understanding.
In having Kyra be the interviewee, you give her the understanding and in so doing you shape too the chapter called 'Damn', reminding us anew that in times of trouble or stress or pain or weariness our actions can be changed from what we might otherwise do. I mention this for the note written along with it, and for the cleverness of it.
Imagination is a powerful thing, though one can never know until one has felt upon one's own person, it still goes a long way, so much so one could imagine too there is some truth in past lives, John here, the state of shock especially which until today I would not have thought anyone capable of describing so well and how simply you did so, one can feel him. Or at least I imagine I can, as though I have crawled into his lap and the emotions and thoughts that reside within him, not clear but the heaviness of them, surrounds to the point where without knowing, one can have a semblance of understanding, one can understand the magnitude if not the extent itself.
The images as you describe them, of seeing her alive, of wanting to go back, of being deprived, she, he, of a burial, a resting place, a proper goodbye and a place to come, of watching her disintegrate, of being shattered, heart and soul, a word unlike any other that you might have used, shattered bespeaks more than broken, it means incapable of repair.
Some chapters stay for the sheer beauty of the writing, some stay for the meaning, John in this chapter embeds himself more fully into the consciousness, into the heart to the point where it would be a comfort could one have offered it and the desire to have been able to do so seems so large.
Brilliant chapter!
Sweet dreams, Poppet, x
Sweetest, your comment, this comment (and the one today on Reflection) are examples of what keeps me going, keeps me believing that what I write here is worth the time it takes to read it. Here is what I mean. I'm not sure if other writers feel the same way, but my chapters never look as good to me as they do to others. And without feedback, marvelous comments like yours, I think in time I would probably convince myself not to write. The chapter here and the one below, are at times the hardest and the easiest to write. Hard only in that to write them correctly, especially for Kyra (who if I don't think it she doesn't either) I have to be painfully honest, and in that integrity, the character shows the limitations and flaws and weaknesses inherent in me, the character bears a part of their soul usually never shown publicly. Not shown, for this sort of honesty is not valued as an opportunity to touch and see the soul of another, but in my experience, used as a weapon, for god only knows reason and why, but a weapon to inflict pain and harm on one at their most vulnerable--almost as if what they really want to say is:
"Don't go down that road, because if you do, then I will have to follow and I don't want to be honest like that, I don't want to be vulnerable like that, because, just as I am doing to you right now, I too have been hurt when I opened myself. So don't do it. And if you try, I will smack you down. Facades are so much more comfortable. Keep yours. I'll keep mine, and we will live shallow and ignorant forever more."
Each time I write a chapter like this one or the one below, I fear readers will do the same. Which is to say, they will judge the character and heap scorn on them, because to do otherwise would be to invite reflection, no pun intended, into an area most care not to tread.
As always, your comments are the coffee in my life. :-D
Too good not to be true...
Miladysa, sometimes when I do these interviews, the image of Kyra before me, answering my questions, seems as real as any conversation or interview I've done. This format is one of my favorites. I've been playing with the idea of writing the chapter where I first meet Kyra on earth, on the beach and we have that first innocent conversation. Perhaps in time. :-)
Look forward to it! ;]
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