Day: 23

I am still amazed with the issue of irritation--I see it rise and watch it pass through me without eliciting a reaction or response--this is not me thinking differently--this is a direct effect of the meds, which has been in effect since I started taking the meds--the experience is odd in that I can see the irritation rise just as it did before the meds--the same things that irritated me then still irritate me now--so there has been no change in that regard--I am still the same person on that level--what is different is reaction--where before there would be an almost uncontrollable surge of energy, a surge I'd work very hard not to act upon but would still show on my face and in my tone of voice--the kind of tone where you are speaking in a whisper but the person you are speaking to asks you to stop yelling at them--that kind of tone--now, on these meds, although the irritation is still there, I can see it, there is no urge to react to it--or I should say the urge to react is so low as to be insignificant and I have to exert almost no energy to keep from a petty response to matters that just don't matter--within my personal relationships, this change has made a remarkable difference--the overall sense is of a more healthy self, a more well-adjusted self--the sense of this lack of reaction being a drugged 'reactionlessness' appears to be blending away, not completely, but like the sensation on the crown of my head, which is still there, I am starting to have to bring awareness to the influence of medication as to behavior

the other change in behavior which has been very positive and quiet remarkable to observe since it was not an expected or anticipated change is what I would call drive or initiative--when something needs to be done that was not on my agenda to do, that perhaps comes up unexpectedly, in the past where I might experience resentment and drag my feet, now, almost without thought, I just do it--this ties in to what I can only call a more logical thought process, a more task oriented view--this is not a subtle change in outlook or behavior but a rather significant one--as I look back on the last several years if not the last many, many years i wonder how my life would have been different had I been wired this way before--I am also becoming aware that what I have suffered from, to one degree or another, has been with me at least from high school and perhaps, although I am not certain, prior to that--my father suffered greatly from many of my same symptoms--there is a very real possibility I'm dealing with an hereditary disease, although I feel this is just idle speculation which is neither here nor there

on another note which I don't know what to make of, but seems to be a healthy change, my almost manic need to buy books has dropped away as too my need/desire to go to the bookstore almost everyday--bookstores still bring me great peace and I liken them as chapels but since I've been on meds, my desire has turned toward actually reading the books I've purchased rather than buying more--and believe me, I've bought a library worth of books--virtually all unread to one degree or another--of interest is this: I can see the thought to buy a new book rise and the next thought, on logical grounds, dismisses it--I can't ever recall shutting down the rising need/desire to purchase a book that caught my fancy--but with all the books I have, literally hundreds if not more, all of which are waiting to be read, my current med induced perception is it is just not logical or needed while at the same time a desire to actually read what I have grows stronger

there is a sense of adjustment--of being well-adjusted--and it almost scares me to write for fear that in the writing it will disappear or slip away like a dream, as if by speaking about it you jinx yourself--but this sense of being well-adjusted is unlike any sense I've ever had before--there is a calmness and a view and an operating logic that is hard to explain--I am knocking on wood that my perception of these changes this morning endure--that I am not simply deceiving myself on a good day

day by day as I observe these changes in myself and compare them to how I reacted prior to the meds, my tolerance for personality in others has expanded with a greater compassion--to have an awareness that the heart and the action may very well be different and the person may be beyond ability to rise above their own chemistry--I know and I am humbled in that my own changes (still knocking on wood) are not because of willpower or discipline or some zen-like training/enlightenment or awareness, but because I have introduced a psychoactive chemical into my system--without this chemical change, I cannot imagine that I would be any different than before--regardless of my circumstances professionally or personally--this is not to say that I could not have improved my situation by some degree, only that these changes I am experiencing now seem beyond simple self-improvement by an order of magnitude, exponential changes so to speak

and on day 23, my head bobbed to music--there has been no bobbing since I started on the meds--to be clear, this is not a complete return to premed experience, but it is the most significant development or step in a positive direction to date--I am hopeful this development continues--likewise, there is a sense of playing with fire, that before, music could move me so, bring me to tears for almost no conscious reason--so I'm cautiously watching this development--can I regain my ability to enjoy music, recover that key to creative thought without it destroying me

on the sexual front, I was able to achieve the third orgasm since starting meds, the first of which occurred on day twenty--the first achieved ejaculation (I say ejaculation rather than orgasm because it did not feel so much like an orgasm as much as a sense of simply being milked) required such a force of will, focus, concentration and effort as to be completely without any pleasure and although there was a supreme sense of accomplishment, as if my willpower had defeated the meds, I knew, although a positive step, that this was not triumph--two days ago, a second ejaculation was achieved--this time with less effort, but still the sense was more ejaculation than orgasm--the third 'orgasm' last night was again a degree easier, so progress in being made, but the sense is still more biological functioning on a mechanical level than the pure magic of orgasm--still, the last four days have seen positive moment and I can't complain about moving forward, moving in the right direction