Day: 21

good visit with the doctor today--everything discussed openly--we both agreed that progress was occurring and, side-effects notwithstanding, that we would continue on the present course for four more weeks--I will continue to journal the day to day experiences and do my best to explore as openly and honestly as I can

physical sensation on the crown of head remains--as does an exaggerated drowsiness after eating--appetite slightly suppressed as before--slight numbness of nipples and penis continue although libido remains strong, and with the anorgasmic state, is perhaps fueled--sexual fantasy remains on subtle ground and arousal occurs not with the overt, not even as much with the visual as with touch and smell--it is as if what excites me has changed--not completely, not absolutely, but in the shadows, in the subtle ways of scent and memory, of textile and touch--the curve still remains the most beautiful thing I know--and I wonder if there is not some universal truth in the curve that supersedes any and all medical manipulation

sleep is not and has not been affected--levels of energy, outside of the episodes of drowsiness after eating have returned to normal, which is to say have increased from the depressed state--the feeling of detachment remains, however today the feeling was more a sense of calmness--still, my sense of sound is somewhat muted--music in stereo sounds as if in mono, which I can't tell whether this is an auditory issue or an issue where the emotional track is simply missing and therefore the experience is altered--either way, music remains changed for me and it fails to elicit the creative spark as it did before--my mind continues to function on an analytic plane and concerns itself primarily with issues of logic--I procrastinate less and when confronted with a task, and it feels even strange to me as I am in motion, I act immediately

with detachment and lack of emotional reactivity to stimuli, one has the oddest sense of being objective with the subjective self--as if one hears oneself as other when speaking and there appears, in experience, a separation between the thinking self and the acting self--the body becomes mechanical, an instrument, and the mind becomes free, unattached, as something other

on an interesting side note with regard to music, specifically movie scores--in this med induced relationship or lack thereof to the emotional qualities of music, unskillful use by a director is noticed--a feeling of intrusion--of manipulation--not always, but the use of music seems so poorly used so much of the time--like a clodding dance partner--something added that subtracts--the sense of poetry is the same--the mind penetrates, seeks, needs, and tolerates only authenticity--obtuse and abstract thought is eschewed in favor of what is simple and clear--as if everything could be just that--simple and clear--and that what is not simple and clear is somehow, in someway, false or if not false then not wholly true