two processes remain other, which, for lack of a better way to explain I will classify as music and words
music: emotional blunting, which is still in place, has, I believe, been the primary cause in the cognitive changes toward music--with no emotion, music becomes something of a structure rather than an art--something to be understood as mathematics is understood and enjoyed in the way that one enjoys the beauty of numbers but not as one enjoys the beauty of a sunset or waterfall--where this is most obvious is in movie soundtracks--and music in commercials--without the emotional component, music is heard and experienced as a device--not as integral to the whole but as something added, something that sits outside of the visual realm, the plot realm--music in movies is noticed immediately as an intrusion, as something someone has done to manipulate (in the worst cases)--it is as in writing when the author becomes visible in the prose and one becomes aware of the writer in the writing--I saw Avatar a week ago or so--the soundtrack, to my medicated ears, was so heavy-handed, so overwrought as to make me wish it gone--it felt as if the director thought the audience was too stupid to understand how they should feel, so he patronizes us with a score--I have noticed this in every movie I have watched since starting meds--to be clear, this is not something I ever noticed in this way before
words: this one is more difficult to understand--prior to meds, I stopped at every word I did not know, looked it up and wrote down the definition--I have hundreds of words and definitions sitting on my desk right now--but every single one of them were recorded pre-med--I look at them now, as I am doing right now, and I wonder why I ever spent so much time looking up words and trying to expand my vocabulary--it just seems like such a waste of time, such an interruption to have to stop reading--I've not recorded a single word in 74 days--somehow, this plays into reading and writing, both of which have held less interest for me--what is difficult to determine and is probably some combination is this: how much of this change is med induced and how much, especially with the writing, is anxiety based--I lean toward the med side--I always wrote and read before, regardless of stress--the only thing that has changed is the meds in my system--I have always loved words--I have thousands of self-created index cards from college--on meds, they just don't seem that important
__________
there is another process that has also changed:
pre-med, I responded to every comment as soon as it was left--on meds, I let them sit and sometimes do not respond at all
pre-med, I returned every phone call and every email as soon as I could, which was usually immediately--on meds, I don't answer the phone, I don't immediately return phone calls and I let my emails build up unread and undeleted
perhaps the main effect of medication is the general sense that you just don't care--my house could be on fire, no big deal--my car could blow up--no big deal--what people think of me, which was always very important, matters very little to me on meds--take this public journaling as an example--there is a certain need to simply say: this is who I am, take me or leave me, but you are going to see me as I am
5 comments:
Forgive me if I repeat myself. I truly wish the best for you. The fact that music and words have not reappeared have me concerned. They both are such a large part of you. To hear you think that music is an intrusion in a movie, this is ??? Ugh, I wish I could come up with the right words to convey what I am truly feeling, however, I have never been one that could put my thought on paper, or words for that matter. WORDS...have always given me trouble, but yours have always given me and others such joy...I only hope that this is anxiety based and once you solve this, that the music and words will begin to give you enjoyment and then in turn flow.
Thoughts and Prayers
TIGHT HUGS
LOVE ALWAYS
H
This is so damn interesting, Trée, especially the subtleties you're describing with music and words. As you might recall from an email I sent, your experience with television commercials tracks exactly with mine ~ the heightened annoyance of it all (which has stayed with me, post-med).
The thing is, on one level you describe a med-induced remoteness, a detachment from things you've loved, such as music, poetry and reading. HOWEVER: Your ability to drill down into the smaller mental states and to keep track of them ~ to document their continuity ~ shows that an extraordinary ability to recognize and sense detail is still there within you.
This would indicate to my untrained eyes that you have not LOST anything. It's all still there ~ just confined to a separate room for the time being.
In other words, Trée, don't grieve over loss of your previous abilities. They are all still there.
Reminds me of my own darker moments, Trée, of being a passenger, being on the outside, not being able to enjoy the music from the inside. It can be scary, but perhaps it can hold something positive. As you said before about "rewiring", perhaps when your emotional "colour" returns, you will experience art in an even richer way. Besides, I see it as positive -- because you were right on the money regarding Avatar! ;-)
I have typed and backspaced over my comment about 4 times. It seems that I can't form a decent sentence to let you know that I am thinking about you and sending up a prayer for you.
Now, why was that so hard?
Oh Tree, I really want the best for you! I want you to have music and words back to your full enjoyment.
Hugs and warm thoughts for you.
I want to thank everyone for checking in and leaving me so much love. Part of this chemical change I am experiencing has made it very difficult to respond to comments like I used to do--I really have no way to explain this other to state that it is. Just know, I read every comment and I appreciate them more than you guys know. Perhaps soon I will return to my old self.
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