day fifty-two:
nothing of significance to report--mood remained consistent regardless of circumstance
day fifty-three:
anxiety reaching new heights (employment/financial)--internal bearing/mood/well-being remain steady/normal--another indication that the premed darkness was something outside the realm of circumstance--I have had dark/morbid thoughts but these thoughts, when they come, come from fear/thought, not from the brain itself--prior to meds, the darkness came as waves and came regardless of circumstance and too it left on its own accord--my anxiety is fantastically high but there is no darkness and my mind remains/feels grounded and healthy--I suppose I can say the meds are doing everything they are suppose to be doing--whatever side-effects still exist are subtle and difficult to distinguish and with current stress levels, almost impossible to attribute causation
yesterday, as I driving home from having dropped C off, the thought occurred to me, and I note it because this was a species of thought very different than any other at any other time that I have ever had--the thought was, I simply don't want to live anymore--this thought, and I can't emphasis this enough, was not a suicidal thought and when thinking of suicide, those thoughts are of a very different nature/energy--but this thought, which came out of the blue, was clear, calm and sat with me as if a visitor--there was no thought of suicide--only the thought that I was done--just done with life and all it had to offer--as if I could simply raise my arms and vanish--I don't feel like I'm doing a good job describing the experience--there was no emotion involved--no energy--no impetus to do anything--just a warm sensation that this was it--nothing more desired/wanted/needed--nothing more to do--no regret--no anger--no frustration--just a blank sense of nothing more (interesting that yesterday I felt no need to make note of this experience, but today, it seems important to document)
as I make notes like the paragraph above, I want to be clear that I am simply documenting my experience coming out of a dark clinical depression with the help of Sertraline--although I appreciate all the hugs and well wishes more than you guys know, I am not creating this record for support or sympathy--I am simply trying to make notation of what is occurring in my mind without editing, without vanity, so that the record might be as unfiltered as I am capable of making it--I am really quite amazed that anyone is still following what can only appear to be rather self-obsessed and redundant postings
to lessen the suffering of others--what greater work could there be
13 comments:
sigh
We follow you because we love you. Well, I can't speak for others. I follow because I love you and, since I can't be there to hold you, then I'll hold you here. Like you said in your last post...online friends are real...believe it...I'm real. My heart goes out to you. That being said, it will be interesting to see how your prospective changes when you find a job. I can't imagine the realm of emotions that you've gone through these past 10 months, I try, really. You are stronger than you think and you will persevere.
To re-itereate what I've been saying all along, Thoughts and Prayers
TIGHT HUGS and LOVE
H
I'm not sure about stronger, but I do feel healthier on an emotional level than I can recall in a long, long time. Work will come.
As always, thanks for the hugs. :-)
LotL, I second everything you say in your eloquent and heartfelt comment.
Poppet, this is very much too neat (and inaccurate) a package to tie part of your post up in, I know this as I write, but I offer it only as one partial perspective, ie as a potential element of the thought as it occured. One could propose that a part of the thought has to do with contentment, perhaps in some way turn it towards such, for to arrive at a day, any day, where one can say that if life ended, there would be no regrets, is rare. As said, I know this is not the basis, but you might be able to coat it with this shade of rose and ponder from a slightly different angle.
Love you dearly.
Tree, your journey and courage in documenting it makes fascinating reading. For someone who has never had to struggle with what you face everyday, reading about it is helpful. It means that when we do meet someone suffering from depression, we have some idea of what they could be going through - although what to day / do in situations like this still eludes me. Here's hoping that the new brings you only good things.
There is a theory that each of us starts our lives over twice, three in all, three alternate directions through our adult lifetime. The transitions not always easy or chosen or predictable, and though we may some of us learn along the way to take things as they come, life has a way of challenging even the most grounded of us. Looking from the outside in, sensitivite expression aside for the moment, this last year has stripped of both the desired and the undesired flushing out the old so to speak, changing, teaching, moving to leave you in a completely different place than you were this time last year. Sometimes, though the passage is near unbearable, like the forrest fire even as the flames scorch, seeds are being released, in time the trees will rise as tall as those that were lost. The scene will consist of trees once more as it should, home, family, career, passions,..., etc, but renewed, envigorated.
I like quiet when I write comments, quiet is far between, so forgive my expression within the above if needs be. I am excited for you, happy for you, for I believe with all that I am, all that you have been through, all the work you have done, all the changes that you have had to make, and those that you have made by choice, that everything that has come before and especially this harsh year of transition leaves way for new..those emotion-less thoughts of a life done, reading the way you describe the thought, it is as the old, done, complete, lived out.
(brb)
Tree, you've been working out! Look at your muscles! (where's your real you picture...always, I have stuck on the contemplative one)
I have had that curious feeling/thought, in a moment. And then gone. I looked back wondering who it was that thought that knowing it was myself. I think I understand.
And I wonder this, too. Selfishly. And wondering on the therapeutic value. Will you write? Just devine the keys. Will you? Can you? Would it help? Just asking. You go through so much. You need a big chest like this to make it through. But perhaps to create, there is such power there. I know you have been. I know I've missed some. I don't mean pressure, I just miss you. Do you know?
xo
erin
good morning... finally, i made it to your blog again... you know, i find it interesting how you try to document your experience with this. And who knows what comes of your documentation. And perhaps, writing it all down already provides something to you. As for me, i am going to stay that simple observer on the sideline with the occasional virtual hug to give. I don't grow tired of reading about your experience. And i hope you won't grow tired of writing it all down... somehow I want to believe that this exercise is doing something positive for you. Big hugs and kissers on the cheek
((HUGS))
I know exactly how you feel...
Thanks Mona. You have been in my thoughts and prayers. Sending hugs.
Liane, always nice to see you. Congrats on getting the braces off. I wore braces for three and a half years when I was in my thirties. I remember the exhilaration of finally getting off.
I think I'm about done on these journal updates. When I get tired of writing them, I can only image people get tired of reading them. :-)
Erin, you always make me smile. Thank you. As for the writing, I've just been blank of late. Nothing to do with the meds but more with the stress of unemployment and having no money. I want to write again. I want to read again (something else the stress has taken from me). Hell, I want to work again and be able to provide for my family. Sigh. The good news is the meds have done everything they were suppose to do. And I am thankful for that.
Autumn, you are never far from my thoughts.
Jenni, thanks for the comment. Clinical depression is the invisible disease. There are days I wish I had something visible, like a broken arm, something people could see. Very few people can see clinical depression in another and see it for what it is. If my journaling has helped anyone understand how the disease and meds affect a person, then the time and effort has been useful. Thanks for stopping by. :-)
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