Kate, I need help. (heavy sigh, slight pause) I'm asking for help.What's wrong?
I'm at my breaking point . . . (inaudible)
Slow down.
Everything. Everything's wrong.
Talk to me.
I've got nothing left. (pause) There is nothing in reserve.
We're all running on fumes Mary.
Really?
Yeah.
Are you pregnant?
Are you?
I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know.
I don't know what I have done.
What does that mean?
(crying)
Talk to me Mary.
I don't want it to be like this.
Like what sweetie?
This pain. Inside.
Show me.
I didn't know Kate.
Didn't know what?
I've been sick. Everyday. And I've done some things.
What kind of things?
Things you're not suppose to do.
Like what?
I don't know.
I can't help you if you won't tell me.
You couldn't help me if I did.
__________
When your head is thrust underwater, you can think only of air, of breathing again. There are no other thoughts. No other concerns. Just air. Just breathing. Everything else fades as night before dawn.
__________
We are on the move again. Our life is packing and unpacking. Nothing is permanent.
__________
I want to write home. I want to connect to a past I imagine better than this eternal darkness. But there is no bridge. And what looks so pleasant from the distance of time, shimmers like the mirage I know it to be.
__________
I have my bedroll. Some clothes. His journal. And I want for nothing else. Nothing more. Not even joy.
__________
No sooner than we unpack, set up the tents, brace ourselves for more carnage, the order arrives to pack. We are advancing.
__________
The towns seem as a blur. So do the days. And the faces.
2 comments:
I'm not sure if this post changed, of if I just don't remember it this way? This feeling of Mary's, of wanting to talk, but not wanting to talk. Not sure of how her situation will be looked upon by others, not sure her decisions will be accepted by anyone else. Just wanting things to be different, to be "right". Knowing that she can't change the things from her past, not sure she really wants to. CONFUSION
My goal was to capture her anguish and confusion, her not knowing if she was pregnant, but suspecting she was and hinting that when she suspected, she did somethings a pregnant woman would not do, self-destructive things. The kind of things you want to confess but really don't want to tell anyone.
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