I'll keep this short. The darkness has not returned. There is a healthy concern over my life situation with the corresponding stress and anxiety--all of which I would label normal and healthy. However, and I observed this same phenomenon prior to meds: the nuts and bolts of my emotional machinery are simply not secure. The emotion flows both ways, which is to say good and bad, joy and sadness, but the intensity of the emotion is as it was in the days leading up to the meds. I've always felt strongly and emotion has always been an important part of my life, but what I am experiencing now, as what I experienced before, is not as it should be. Metaphorically speaking, the knob of my emotional life has been dialed as high as it can go. The ride is unlike anything I can describe. Everything is felt with a blinding intensity and on the edge of that knife cuts a creativity not known otherwise. Not looking for comments on this post. Simply documenting.
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As a side note: Zoloft has a half-life of 24 hours. That is, upon stopping, which I did cold-turkey 35 days ago, only 50% of the drug remains in the body after 24 hours, 25% after 48 hours and so forth. I experienced no side-effects upon stopping. In fact, as I've written, in the first month of stopping Zoloft, I've felt better than I have in years in every way.
What I am experiencing now has nothing to do with depression or darkness, neither of which is present as it was prior to meds. I feel perfectly aware and fully functional in every regard and enjoy the arts as I did before (reading, writing, music, art, beauty, etc.) Two things are present, one of which is new and one is not. What is not new is this extreme acceleration and intensification of emotion--almost an exponential unfolding. Music in particular, moves me, as it should, only times ten or twenty. I have not words to describe the intensity. Keep in mind, I have nothing unnatural in my body. My last sip of alcohol of any kind was more than 145 days ago. I am on no medication. Prior to meds, I felt this same exponential emotional acceleration. Now, what is new is this: I have never, ever been what one might call a manic person. I have never exhibited that kind of energy and no one would ever use that term to describe me. Having said that, in the last few weeks, I've felt at times a manic sense of energy of an order that is completely foreign to me, as in, something never before experienced, not even in the worst premed days. Along with this "manic-ness," if I can call it that is what I would called the tremors. These tremors are not always present, and prior to the last few weeks, I've never experienced anything like this, ever. In short, my hand is not steady. Visibly not steady. Not out of control, but I wouldn't want to be holding a knife. During these tremors, which come and go without rhyme or reason, there is a feeling of complete helplessness in that what is occurring is beyond one's ability to do anything about it.
