I've been meaning to post an update for some time. Why I have not been able to do so remains a mystery to me. The task seems monumental.
since last update mood has remained steady--artificially so--drowsiness remains a problem, especially after eating, but not upon the taking--I've read nothing in three weeks--not even opened a book--I've listened to almost no music--no desire--I've written nothing and writing seems like something I used to do, a long time ago--I feel both medicated and not at the same time--I simply am not myself--emotion remains truncated and although this makes me a nicer and more amiable person, it has taken the joy out of most everything (music, poetry, reading, etc.)--I feel drugged without the fogginess of mind--I still think and process clearly--I just have no emotional energy and I am learning that so much of what drove me in all the things I did was emotional energy--without it, and I don't have it, nothing really matters--I don't get upset because I just don't care in the way that one doesn't care when on drugs--logically, I care--on meds, I'm just in lala land, with a clear head, if that makes any sense--to feel despair, and I still do, but to feel it without any emotional energy, is bizarre--I find I am continuing to withdraw--desire to interact with others is minimal at best--so I spend my hours vegetating, playing endless and mindless FB games, the way one would when taking cold medicine and just feeling beyond the desire and ability to concentrate on anything, to feel, anything, to care about much of anything--it is as if I have regress to a childlike state and all things adult seem foreign and distasteful
7 comments:
I do not like to pick at wounds that are healing. I was really concerned you weren't posting. I kept popping back to your last post and I saw that you were sporadically commenting back and forth with followers, so I knew you were OK, meaning "there", "going to the computer from time to time". I'm sorry you are in a gray spot (neither joyously white or deadly black). I care. <3
It is good to know that you are getting through the days, however they may be chronicled. And it is good to hear your voice, to see and feel your presense here. You are always on my mind and in my heart.
Forgive me for what I should not have said and what I know nothing about.
There is enough within your post that although there is complete honesty behind the statement of "feeling beyond the desire and ability", there is also a considerable quantity of...memory, if you will, of another suit once worn. I wonder if at this point, it might serve well to alter the course of your thoughtprocesses, manually, and leave both of these structures behind (before meds, after meds thus far) in order to carve out a third. A vision in mind before doing so, chipping and moulding and sweating to achieve it. The mind set of though desire is lacking, there is a goal that will eventually flare desire. Of doing something until that something becomes true. Of believing something through sheer faith until such a day as evidence is reached. Your words about vegetating and mindless FB games, and this may be very much 'personal interpretation' hang titles of escapism and addiction high enough for everything else that might be found between the lines to be so much in the background, that they just becomes details. Significant of course to the big picture, but for another time, another day. In that altered course, for now at least, it might be a good idea to leave the arts (etc) aside. If reading, writing, music, etc provide no joy, forget them for a while. It might serve you well to commit to a new set of 'hobbies', eg climbing (something active), an asian cooking class (I've heard speak several times of how you wish there was somewhere near you that you could get a decent curry), learning how to play a musical instrument (you've mentioned this too). These would all be new, thus there would not be that debilitating sense of before and after. You very much have the ability to throw yourself into something, this much is seen from your rise through the ranks and stages of the FB games. When things were at their worst last year, I was hooked on Mafia Wars, instant progression, instant achievement, a moments reprieve that required no energy, no thought, no emotion.
Sigh, I've talked when I should not and didn't when I should have. Hope I haven't infuriated or upset you.
Love, hugs, those are eternal.
Poppet, I have as you know long wanted to visit the USA, I've dreamed of this since I was merely a teen and never had the opportunity. I have periodically, especially since I made friends with you (and a few others) looked at the price of tickets. On Monday I found some incredibly inexpensive tickets and although in reality, i.e. all things considered, like my current state of being jobless (big yikes), I cannot afford them at present, life this past year has been such that I was able to translate it in my mind to something I, and the girls, 'need' and on Wednesday I cleared my mind of worry (things like 'we won't have very much spending money' etc) and went ahead and booked. I really did need something big like this.
Anyway, I've left it alone for now, so that the worries do not supersede the joy. Those tickets get us to LA, a long way from being able to having some real coffee with you, but (worry-joy) maybe it is doable.
Hope you have a good day.
Really, really good to see you post.
Thanks Les. Nice to know you are still hanging around. Hugs. :-)
Ooooooh, what can I say. Thanks Autumn. My imagination is in gear. :-D
I won't leave you, Tree. I don't never exit when I've connected with someone. If you pop in on my blog tomorrow (or later), there will be a sweetly-meant challenge to you. You'll see your name. "Ten Things" will be in the title.
Thanks Les. :-)
If I may start my comment as you started your post - I've been meaning to post a comment for some time - I wish I knew what to say. I wish I had the answers. I wish I could sit with you, hold you, have you read to me. If I could solve your problems I would, but you my friend, have to take the first step. If there is anything I can do...I am here to hold your hand, if need be.
Thoughts and Prayers
TIGHT HUGS
LOVE ALWAYS
H
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