Day: 10-12

day ten:

as normal as I have felt in ten days--I cannot tell if a blending has occurred and what was yellow and blue is now green or if familiarity breeds a dullness of perception--levels of irritation seem to be returning to a less drugged out state, which seems healthy


day eleven:

I cannot help but feel I am living behind a chemical facade--subdued by science--that a large part of who I was has been silenced--over the weekend I watched the LSU/Ole Miss game with a clinical detachment, which was a marked contrast to watching the LSU/Alabama game pre-drugs--the feeling is akin to having both the high end and low end of emotions removed--nothing moves me like it did, good or bad, just this insipid blandness to stimuli

sensation on crown of head remains--drowsiness is a constant as is a sense of living behind a medicated filter/screen/wall/fog

I cannot seem to shake loose from a sense of medicated dullness--music feels flat and I don't listen as much as before--outcomes seem less important--and all the while, as in a dream, I can feel, almost see, my old self trying to emerge but dissipated in a med induced fog before surfacing--I feel like someone's science lab project

interest in writing fiction and poetry still nil


day twelve:

most alert in the mornings--appetite still suppressed--food appears to trigger drowsiness beyond the norm--levels of irritation seem to be returning--libido in decline--sexual function remains impaired--ability to emotionally engage remains blunted--memory is affected but I am unable to put my finger on exactly how--temporary spikes of anxiety and fear--meds feel as a mask, as something separate and the blending alluded to in day ten seems not to be happening--there is me and then there is me as altered with medication and the two seem just exactly that, as two things, not one--doubt is emerging on this course of action--nothing seems clear, certain or solid--there is a very real sense of a life before and a life now, which is to say a life since the darkness manifested that the drugs seem only to cover, not change

I look upon beauty, anticipate the emotional response and, with these meds, it does not come--the response is intellectual and imagined--what I mean by imagined is this: I remember past emotional responses and the memory of how I should feel or used to feel or what is appropriate to feel is held in my mind, but there is no emotional energy, just the idea of the emotion and I wonder how long it will take before even the memory is faded beyond recognition--and I wonder of the quality of a purely intellectual life