I wore a red football helmet
when the moment
at the age of seven or eight
occurred such
--how or why, I don't know--
that forty some-odd years later
I would remember
I was heading toward
my paternal grandmother's house
(which just happened to be
next door to my maternal grandmother's house,
which was next door to my maternal great-grandmother's house
and, not surprisingly
across the street somewhat
from my own house
or, as my father would say,
catacorner)
since burned down
only an empty lot remains today
inhabited by a few brownish weeds
and much smaller than I remember
but then
the driveway
two strips of fractured concrete
like two Louisiana highways in disrepair
with its own green weedy medium
leading to a covered white aluminum car park
passed a set of gray concrete steps
with a thin black metal railing
lacquered shinny in ornamental flourishes
and touches of rust looking like
tiny little barnacles on the fleurs-de-lis
standing at the top
wearing not my Green Bay Packer helmet
the one I wanted but didn't get
that Christmas
but wearing my plain, generic red plastic
helmet, I stood before the screen door
looking at her pearl doorbell
and, at the age of seven or eight
red (with a single white stripe) helmet clad
(oh how could they put a Tiger in Tide colors)
alone, on a warmly lit afternoon
shadows growing
the rail appearing all the longer
by the minute
I became aware
and somewhat embarrassed
(I do remember that)
but mainly aware
for the first time
I was talking
to myself
out loud
a practice I knew was not new
but never before was I self-conscious
of the act
until that moment
talking to myself
in a red helmet
one I didn't really want
the error not corrected
until many years later
when I bought my own
regulation sized
fully padded
Green Bay Packer helmet
a bit of revenge
to parents who never knew
I would correct their shortcomings
silently
quietly
one by one
I still talk to myself
mostly internally
wondering
if my own son
has his own list
and just how long
that list is
that he will never share
of which
I will never know
